One of my alltime favourites and I dont know why. It makes me smile

Told my doctor I was depressed and he asked me if I’d thought about killing myself. Hell of a piece of medical advice but here goes nothing

Gelman’s Law: A person watching any critically-acclaimed television show from the 2010s will have forgotten Brett Gelman is in it

I remember nothing from the dream I had last night other than there being a new inclusive label for overweight people called “Chocolately Employed”

“You’re toast” could’ve just been a nice thing that we say to people, but we say it when we’re going to kill them or defeat them. In my house it will mean “your eyes are so beautiful”

The « I slept with Smeagol recently » challenge is taking over the anglosphere. Millions of teenagers are texting it to their mothers, exes, and teachers, but none have yet screenshotted a response. It’s said that the replies have been beautiful , too disruptively loving to share

instead of calling my Dad or taking a shower I watched this video without moving or blinking

Thought i was depressed about the state of the world but turned out it was just the diahrroea on my walls and floor 😃

It behooves us in times of struggle to ask ourselves “Who is in a Hell that I’m not in”, because the answer is often Almost Every Friend. Use this knowledge to feel better and reach out to nobody

https://t.co/Q1vIu5odoV

https://t.co/uN7tFgkI5G

Ouh! Watch me, watch me.. Ouh! Wach me. Watch me

imagine "Elmo Fudd" now, a crossbreed of Elmer Fudd and the Jim Henson Company's Elmo. Picture him, do it. Yes, you see Elmo in Fudd's attire, wielding his gun. There was no other way.

pronouncing "pho" at the phonetic midpoint between the correct-but-pretentious way (fuh) and the Way Of The Philistine White (foe), so as to avoid any and all complications. the waiter (19, born in Hamburg to the grandchildren of national socialists) shrugs. I kill myself

38 years old. My eyes widen, a smile overtakes me for the first time in months. I swing open my filthy apartment door and barrel into the street, arms flailing. “A DENTIST”, I bellow. “I’VE DONE IT. I KNOW IT NOW.” My hair stirs in the long wind. “I WANT TO BECOME A DENTIST”

after a lot of thought I've decided to boycott the Riyadh Comedy Festival

someone DMed me years ago to let me know they got this doodle of mine tattooed on their body indefinitely

You're either ignoring an erection or paying very close attention to one, be it your own (if applicable) or somebody else's. There are also intermediary periods where you've forgotten erections exist--- think of these as "sandwich time"

Mad men really jumped the shark when they killed Martin Luther King

Hey, had a great time last night :) My thing smells like a seahorse drying on a gaming laptop. Would love to check out that georgian wine bar next week if you're down! My thing smells like a rotting violin