Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳️🌈 🇺🇦
@craiguito
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20,742
Following
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Media
9,740
Statuses
91,432
I do stand-up and tweet silly things. My podcast Trish of the Day out now, link below.
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I love it when I'm the first person in the office to sign someone's leaving card
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If Elon Musk really wanted to show off his wealth he could’ve just bought an open return train ticket from Manchester to London.
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can't believe it's 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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When you’re middle-aged and get to the top of the stairs
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It was the Busta Rimes, it was the Wusta Rhymes.
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"Ah, Nosferatu."
"We've never met."
"Oh, sorry, Nosferavous"
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They missed a trick not calling the queue Line of Duty.
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If you put Shakespeare in a room with a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, he’d eventually come up with the complete works of the Monkees
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Don't want to brag, but at school I was voted most likely to cling on to past achievements
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"Do you have shepherd's pie?"
"Sir, this is a French restaurant"
"Oh, sorry. Avez-vous le shepherd's pie, s'il vous plaît?"
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There’s an old tale that Keith Urban and John Legend once formed a duo. Not sure how true it is.
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Trump’s shouting ‘Stop the Count.’
I’m shouting almost the same sentence.
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Opinions are like arseholes. I don’t want Ann Widdecombe’s shoved in my face
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If you shout Beetlejuice 3 times at midnight, my mum appears on the landing and tells you that people are trying to fucking sleep
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Jennifer Arcuri admits to an affair with Boris Johnson that they kept secret for 4 years. When asked how she pulled it off, she replied, “I just closed my eyes and used an oven mitt”
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I see they’ve updated the musical Oliver for the current times
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If you put Shakespeare in a room with a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, he’d eventually come up with the complete works of the Monkees
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"Hahaha. Yeah, I get that a lot. It's Alan, actually"
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A tweet is now called a xeet, according to the xat who owns it
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I wish I wanted anything as much as Microsoft Edge wants to be your default browser
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"It seems fine, but to be honest with you, I don't really know what I'm looking for"
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[Me in a Wimbledon final]
*bounces ball ready to serve*
*drops ball*
*accidentally kicks it*
*runs round court chasing it*
"SORRY, EVERYONE"
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Honestly thought Subo was bringing back power shoulder pads until I looked again
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“The Princess Diana waxwork is missing”
“Just use Fiona Bruce, no one will notice”
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Sorry I was 3 hours late, I was watching a half-hour show on the free version of ITVX
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Dear Daily Mail, unless she’s got more than two, a celebrity is not ‘showing off her legs,’ she’s just walking.
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Calm down, paper shredder, you’re not the Sea Life Centre
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That was just the *lowers sunglasses* tip of the iceberg
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Eddie Izzard ran 28 marathons in 28 days, I think to myself while picking my underwear off the floor with my toes to avoid bending down.
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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I'd clap for the NHS but I draw the line at this
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“The Princess Diana waxwork is missing”
“Just use Fiona Bruce, no one will notice”
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I'm just a boy standing in front of a boy standing in front of a girl standing in front of a man. I'm in a queue, basically
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"Aww. You must be so happy"
WATER COOLER: "We are!"
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There's no way of closing a window on the bus without seeming grumpy
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In fact,
*pushes glasses up nose*
the horse was ‘taken’ with him
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Friend who shops in Primark said, "it’s like a jumble sale sometimes." I asked if it made her wonder how she keeps from going under.
Nothing.
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There's no way of closing a window on the bus without seeming grumpy
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The real winner of Celebrity Big Brother is Google
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After 30 minutes watching a film with my mum, we don't know what's going on but at least we know what other things the actors have been in
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Dads. Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
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Calm down, paper shredder, you’re not the Sea Life Centre
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I don't know about Easter eggs, but the Church of England left the word 'women' off 'bishops' until 2015
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Do I need to have watched Tier 1-3 to know what’s going on in Tier 4?
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So autocorrect doesn’t recognise “fuck,” but it can’t let go of the fact that I once capitalised the word “Work” in 2013
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I never get an advent calendar; I always make a real-life version at home by just opening a different cupboard every day. Today's treat: Cillit Bang
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Who called it an anti-vax march and not The Road To Demask Us
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Someone asked me if I’d ever made a racist gag. I have, but in my defence, my penis was in his mouth
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I’m eating for 2 now, according to the serving suggestion on the packet.
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If you can't remember whether the clocks go forward or back this weekend, here's a handy phrase to help you: “the clocks go forward this weekend”
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During lockdown, only having half a bottle of wine counts as having a night off the booze.
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Amazing to see locked-down cities being reclaimed by nature, like this colony of hedgehogs
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Me: Alexa, how do you say ‘winkle’ in Italian?
Alexa, who can’t be bothered:
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There’s an old tale that Keith Urban and John Legend once formed a duo. Not sure how true it is.
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I'm just a boy standing in front of a boy standing in front of a girl standing in front of a man. I'm in a queue basically
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SHIRLIE: "Coke please"
BARMAN: "Is Pepsi OK?"
SHIRLIE: "She's fine, can I just have my drink? It’s been 30 years"
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“Run, Run, as fast as you can; you can’t catch me I’m the...”
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There’s an old tale that Keith Urban and John Legend once formed a duo. Not sure how true it is.
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Woke up feeling achy and sweaty with a pounding head. Was worried it could be Covid but then I remembered I’m middle aged and had some alcohol 5 days ago
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Not saying I'm old, but Cardi B is what I call my back-up cardigan
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That time I thought Ken Barlow was randomly caressing Fiona’s neck
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My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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“Run, Run, as fast as you can; you can’t catch me I’m the...”
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I'm just a boy standing in front of a boy standing in front of a girl standing in front of a man. I'm in a queue, basically
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A guy came to replace my boiler today. He seems very nice but doesn’t heat the water up as effectively
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Age yourself by where you put the stress when saying the name Roland
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Who called it a pharmacy and not a coughy shop?
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