Welcome to DEATH IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER @ https://t.co/Et2GVjoANS – The show starts at episode 67; all early free shows are now on the Patreon & unlocked Thanx 4 listening

One of the dumbest & worst people I've ever known was also a constant terrible liar, and I've spent 15 years thinking about the time I saw him try to hit on a girl who asked if he believed in the Illuminati, and his answer was "Uh ... yeah, my boss actually knows all of them"

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Congressman Friedland will be posing for "ironic" selfies with Netanyahu within 6 weeks of taking office, not because he's Jewish or a "secret Zionist," but because he's a hollow adolescent who would do anything for attention, and Bibi knows how to play a worm's surrogate father

It's critical that Adam Friedland be prevented from reaching SNL's audience, which is also the core of the Democrats' leadership & electorate: rich people, 40 to 70, who are "trying to work it out" in doomed marriages by rationalizing cheating as an "attachment style"

Oh and Lorne has to be in it. And ideally it'll be when you get Adam Friedland to host. Don't make me start using first names

To all the SNL people quietly lurking in my replies, and based on known quantities, there are at least 4 of you: I would like you to write me a sketch called "Suicide Vest." The only requirements are that it involves 1) me and 2) a suicide vest. I'll take care of everything else

I need the bulk of you to learn some more cultural history to appreciate how bitchy this is

©John Casablancas and Elite Model Management. A production of MC2, ©Epstein/Brunel, 2001.

Remove the comparatives, cut the "Well it's better than ...," and what I hear is: House of! Jealous lovers! House of! Jealous lovers!

Now you know I am not a man of violence, and even if I were, the structural purpose of the United States is that there's nobody whose death would change anything. It's a system of reservations. On mine, I get guns and pills. On yours, you get the mayor and The Strokes.

In case any foreigners (west of Colorado, east of Ohio) mistake this for hyperbole, a pump shotgun will run you a smoove $249 here. That's 1/10th of a root canal, and 1/5th of my last migraine medication – not per prescription, but per individual pill

I think all the time of Naomi Watts's death in MULHOLLAND DRIVE, the way she's practically still running when she kills herself, because every day is like that: it's not just despair or physical agony or panic, it's seeing exactly one exit from a nightmare and sprinting toward it

And yes, Dick Cheney was self-evidently involved in preparation for 9/11. He spent a third of his fucking life on it. If you can't admit that Cheney would kill 3,000 people to realize every Nazi fever-dream he spent his life incubating like a sac of spider eggs, I can't help you

Any politician, on any level, who attends the inevitable state funeral of Dick Cheney for any reason other than shitting in his casket – that politician should be dead to you. Anyone so lazily seduced by "norms" (which weren't fucking norms before Dick!) is a Typhoid Mary

And I have no doubt, truly none, that the last great delight of Dick Cheney's life was filming a TV spot that denounced Trump for "trying to steal an election" – I guess for ONLY trying? – and watching liberals queue up past the horizon for a chance to lick his asshole clean

Cheney was a direct precursor to Trump, the Cheney who made a man apologize for getting shot in the face, the Cheney whose response to Senate investigation of no-bid Halliburton contracts was, quote, "Go fuck yourself." Trump is a queeny outer-borough picayune. Cheney was Death

And I think it's very, very important to bear in mind that anyone who decries Trump in "contrast" to the days of "the reasonable Right" and George W. Bush hugging Michelle Obama is a soulless fucking liar whose death will not remove any life from this world. Let them drown.

Cheney was not just a throat-slitting warlord, not just the architect of 9/11 America, not just the Mahdi of the Project for a New American Century. He was also a prophet of transnational capital, aggregated as Night and Fog, caution-taped beyond human scrutiny. King Metagroup.

For those of you who were too young to remember, or just weren't watching, it's almost impossible to overstate the suprahistorical monstrosity of Dick Cheney. The fucked world we've inherited is the world Cheney wanted. It's been Dick Time for 50 fuckin' years, and it's not over

I'm going wherever I goddamn want to go. Ask 4 million Arabs whether I can control who goes to Heaven and Hell