do you guys think i will ever find a gf? for context im 26M with no job and im 2’3 and i cant shower because the faucet is too high and i cant reach it

people will be like “i hate my job” but still hang out at work 40-60 hours a week. like yeah ok… why are you there all the time then

me after using my time machine to bring benjamin franklin to the mall: so how would you handle the political fragmentation in america right now benjamin franklin holding a churro and seeing a bbl for the first time in his life: yeah me: benjamin are you listening

i’m in the top .01% of listeners to my beautiful wife

[seeing my dentist at the grocery store] me: hey how’s it going him: teeth me: ok

Faye Webster truthers rise up

just tried this and got shot 7 times by the police

John Mayer could never run for president. Name too confusing

me: so anybody can just take these tomato’s home grocery store employee: pretty much

me: are these for everyone grocery store employee: i mean yeah

mfs with jobs will be like “sorry i can’t hang out im at work” all week, but as soon as the weekend rolls around they’re like wyd, nah bro keep that same energy 👌😂😂

mfs will get a job and start hanging out at work all the time

[trying to come up with a new saying for “i could use a hand”] can i use your feet

before my son got glasses we were at some thing where a guy was speaking and my son asked if it was normal that the guy speaking looked blurry and i said “yes that guy is just a blurry guy”

wife: please just don’t say anything stupid me: ok [later at dinner with her coworkers] me after a lull in the conversation: roosters lowkey be waking up early as hell lol them: what me: i said roosters be waking up early

the thing i would be really good at hasn’t been invented yet

nike elite socks. michelob ultra. gangnam style in the background. yeah, thursdays don’t get better than this

[telling someone something that i faintly remember hearing about or seeing on the internet but im not actually sure where i even got the information from or if its true] yeah man crazy right

teacher: what do u wanna be when you grow up me: the rat. from chuck e. cheese teacher: ok… what else? me: the rat chef from ratatouille teacher: ok something not rat related me: [thinking for a really long time] piece a cheese

how do i fit my giant dick and balls and enormous fat ass into my header

[first night as a dj] someone: do you take requests me: what? i can’t hear you them: i said do you take requests [stopping the music, everyone in the club stops dancing and turns to look at me] me: what?