Leggy Del Pain
@coffeeandvinyl1
Followers
22,621
Following
5,601
Media
9,202
Statuses
154,727
🥇Gold Medalist at the 2022 Messy Bitch Olympics. Demotivational Speaker. Shrill Woman. Always trying to impress the girls and gays
Joined February 2018
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Pinned Tweet
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers (it's windy and my hair is blowing onto my lipgloss)
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We didn't have play dates when I was a kid. Our parents kicked us out until the streetlights came on and the weakest among us ended up on Unsolved Mysterious like mother nature intended.
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He's either in love with me or he doesn't care if I live or die. Hard to say
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Chin up. Someone out there is quarantined with your ex. Can you imagine!?
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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The sluttiest thing a man can do is read a book in the park
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I just heard someone call Texas 'Howdy Arabia' and I will never recover lmaooooooooooo
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Fuck off to people who ruin chocolate by adding orange flavouring.
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Might fuck around and put a pound of weed under the tree for myself and pretend it's from the cats.
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Twitter is what happens when anxiety, depression, sexual deviance, coping mechanisms and a troll get stuck in an elevator together during a blackout.
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You see a looming pandemic, I see a growing opportunity to fake my own disappearance.
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
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I just got in 4hrs early after leaving my teen sons unattended for 3 days and the apartment is clean. Even the dishes are done!!
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Twitter is like doing lines of validation off of a hooker's ass.
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Couples that call each other "mom" and "dad". Quit that shit.
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I'm sure for some people divorce sucks, but for me it was like being released from death row after being put there by wrongful conviction.
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Bible verse in the bio, unsolicited dick pic in the DMs.
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Some of you didn't get your sense of humour from repressed emotional trauma and it shows.
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Canadian women HAVE to be funnier than average. We're always wearing so many layers of clothes it makes no difference if we're hot or not. We have to rely on our personalities.
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Got my DNA results back. Turns out I'm 50% Snoop Dogg, 50% Willie Nelson
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Being attracted to men is like smoking cigarettes. It's a filthy embarrassing habit that could kill you
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I'm Canadian, which means I'm going to sit on the fucking patio until November even if I need to drag my sleeping bag out there to stay warm.
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I just barbequed braless in a tank top to apologize to my neighbourhood for how loud my music usually is.
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If you wear cargo shorts I'm putting my tampons in your pocket.
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I'm not responsible enough to be this fucking old.
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My tits are never calm. My tits are always amped the fuck up.
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Tell me all your secrets, gas station boxer briefs
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When I meet people with small kids I pretend to have a heroin problem so they'll never ask me to babysit
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Do people who take their coffee black even masturbate?
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
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Fuck diamonds, reliable boners are a girl's best friend.
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Do dudes who wear white sunglasses know they don't have to?
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My sex tape is me eating the grilled fat off a pork chop
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WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THEY NEED TO LOWER THEIR MASK TO USE AN ATM!?!?!?
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Please, for the love of God, SWALLOW or anal only. The world doesn't need another baby boom.
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I had the kind of sleep that only cannabis, mashed potatoes and trazodone can provide
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*taps mic
As of this morning, I have lost 43lbs. Avi pic is a BEFORE pic 😎
I may as well make it an even 50 right?
Carry on.
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Britney Spears didn't go nearly as nuts as Charlie Sheen and he's still free to be the biggest nutbag he can dream of being.
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If I lived to be 200 I'd still be calling it twitter
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Microaggression? Treat yourself to a full size aggression. Baby, you're worth it!
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Pro Tip. If you can't DM a girl because her DMs are closed and she doesn't follow you, walk into the kitchen and slam your dick in the utensil drawer as hard as you can instead of @ ing her in something pervy on the timeline.
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I wore yoga pants to work today. The only essential service that I can provide is a booty related morale boost. Guess we're all doing our part.
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I just put actual peanut butter on top of a peanut butter protein bar. My cookbook will be out in the fall.
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Do you ever wonder which songs make them think about you?
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People who wear underwear with yoga pants. Who hurt you?
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I'm a 40yr old woman. I prefer to be viewed by candlelight through wax paper.
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I don't want to throw around the word "genius" but....
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Someone just told me they don't believe I'm 40 with teens because I look like I'm in my 20s. Please be advised that I'll be insufferable for the next 8-10 business days.
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I would throw my phone into the sea before I would answer a Twitter call.
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Twitter is where the awkward kids finally sit at the cool table
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It's not resting bitch face. I fucking hate people.
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Oh good, now we can light a bunch of Gwyneth Paltrow snatch candles and make our homes smell like low tide down at the docks.
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This quarantine is going to be horrifying for vulnerable people in abusive homes.
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I follow over 4,000 accounts and my timeline has contained the same 10 fucking tweets all day
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All pants are tearaway pants if you want it badly enough
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Facebook is like your hometown and Twitter is the dark underbelly of the city where you meet hookers with a heart of gold.
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I don't have any tattoos of my kids names because that's what stretch marks and debt are for.
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Shout out to the news anchors who are starting to need to apply their own makeup. I can't contour either honey, we're all in this shit together.
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I quit drinking so I'm not even sure I NEED these two potential liver donors I've given birth to.
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I think my cat's pretending to see ghosts just to fuck with me
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I always thought that as I got closer to 40 relationships would get easier because of wisdom and maturity. I didn't factor in all of the scars that we all have by now.
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Lilac Mary Jane Doc Martens. I had to. It was an emergency
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It is finally bikini season, I say through a big mouthful of cheddar onion potato chips
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It's 2020 and I'm still making Ren and Stimpy references.
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Dating men who don't have red flags is like cooking without using spices
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Let's take a shit ton of edibles and go to midnight mass.
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You ladies with your filters and contouring and I'm over here sending nudes that look like autopsy photos
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Religious people see Jesus, I just saw Pam from Archer naked in my latte.
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My family crest is two turntables and a microphone.
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I just wanted to publicly announce that each and every one of my feuds are still active and I'm doing everything in my power to escalate them with petty and juvenile behaviour. If you don't currently have beef with me please be patient and I will be attending to you soon.
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I'll fuck a dad, I just won't make it my whole Twitter brand.
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I just found out a girl I worked with this summer who was funny and smart as hell and warm and gave me hope for the next girls coming up behind us, she's gone. Took her own life, barely in her twenties. Mental health is the real plague
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Canadian porn is just one person saying it's cold and the other person getting to tell a really satisfying anecdote about a time it was way colder than this.
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Sex is cool and all but have you ever had a really great baguette and butter? JK, I had an 8 minute orgasm last night.
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Why are we all not rioting in the fucking streets at this point?
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I spend most of my day just trying not to think about the fact that boys can see our bholes in doggy style
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I’m eligible to be a trophy wife, but like a shitty bowling league kinda trophy.
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If you tweet about Canadians each and every one of us will feel that we need to reply otherwise we are being impolite
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All I ask is that I continue to age better than Axl Rose.
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All I'm saying is that Ancient Aliens makes more sense than Catholicism
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The thirst traps will continue until morale improves
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I don't know how people take a sedative on a plane. Aren't you afraid someone will touch your genitals.
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How did Helen Mirren age so beautifully?
PLEASE say lots of weed and sex
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A woman never knows what her friends really think of a man until she dumps him.
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Holy shit, my Ontario peeps. Did everyone else just get that alert about an incident in Pickering at the nuclear plant? I wish I had not been watching Chernobyl last night 😬😬😬
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The worst part is that you know someone is going to make a fucking musical about all of this.
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