Chelsea Handler
@chelseahandler
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#LittleBigBitchTour on sale now | Listen to Dear Chelsea Season 4 | Revolution is streaming now on @netflix
Los Angeles, CA
Joined February 2009
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The tour continues!
UPCOMING SHOWS:
4.12 Maricopa, AZ
4.13 Brooks, CA
4.19 Richmond, VA
4.20 Baltimore, MD
⬆️ Tix at
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Hey dumbass, global warming doesn’t only mean extreme heat; it means extreme weather. Hot and cold. Maybe buy a thermometer and shove it up your ass.
In the East, it could be the COLDEST New Year’s Eve on record. Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming that our Country, but not other countries, was going to pay TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS to protect against. Bundle up!
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Imagine being incarcerated for a marijuana-related offense and then seeing it deemed “essential business”.
Marijuana dispensaries are being deemed "essential businesses," and they are allowed to remain open under California's "Safer at Home" order
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This guy passed away today and he was the love of my life. I was one of those people who would tell people that pets aren’t more than people, but some of them are better than some people, and chunk was a true gentleman. And a Democrat. I love you, buddy. I always will
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If you want your beans without a side of racism, try other brands. I am.
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BREAKING: Members of Congress who spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on living expenses a year are confused why the American people can’t live off of $600. Story developing.
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Trump says his daughter has been treated ‘so unfairly’ by Nordstrom. Oh, was she detained for 19 hours when she tried to enter the store?
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Congrats to Twitter for giving Donald Trump the harshest punishment he’s ever received.
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On way my to get a brazillian at The Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
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Of those 25 men who voted to ban abortion in Alabama, I’d like to know how many of them have ever been pregnant. Or have gotten pregnant as a result of rape. I’d like to know how many of those men know exactly what it is like to be a woman. The answer is zero.
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Imagine thinking conversion therapy works but a mask doesn’t.
EARLIER: VP Mike Pence departs Joint Base Andrews en route to Louisiana. He is not wearing a mask.
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As I spend time in Maine, I’m noticing many confederate flags on properties and cars. To be clear, the confederacy was alive for 5 years, and their pursuit was to keep slavery legal in the US—and they lost. It seems many people with confederate flags don’t seem to know this.
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I know everyone is upset about the Starbucks cup and the water bottle in Game of Thrones, but they’re taking away women’s rights in Alabama.
#seriously
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Just a friendly reminder for the weekend: No white after Labor Day, and no old, white racist men after the midterms. Get out and vote.
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If you’re on a dating app, please ask someone on a date November 6th and then just take them to vote. That’s the most romantic thing you can do right now.
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Larry King called me when my dog Chunk died to see if I was doing okay, and to tell me how important dogs are in our lives. That really moved me, and I will miss his kindness and presence. ❤️
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A Gay, a Muslim, and a Jew hit Nordstrom and then hit
@WhiteHouse
to give the finger to
@realDonaldTrump
.
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So, Trump supporters who own guns are allowed to walk around the streets and open fire when they see fit, yet an innocent black man who broke up a fight was shot 7 times by police, paralyzed by police, and then handcuffed to his hospital bed—by police. You must vote in November.
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We need to start naming guns after women, that way Republicans will try and regulate them.
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I do believe most people deserve a second chance— that’s why we’re giving Donald Trump another shot at impeachment.
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I'd like to see you try and kick a ball you fat fuck.
...our Great American Flag (or Country) and should stand for the National Anthem. If not, YOU'RE FIRED. Find something else to do!
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I like thinking of how many times Trump has reached for his phone to try and tweet something, and then remembered...
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Best of luck to Kirstjen Nielsen. I’m not sure where you’ll get hired with a resume that includes “locking kids in cages.” I’m kidding, good luck at Fox News.
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iPhone will soon block texts while driving. Can someone create an app that will block tweeting while presidenting?
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Why are we allowing black people to be treated like this?
Florida mom gets a 20 yr sentence for firing a warning shot at a burglar after he'd broke into her home while it was just her & her children there. The same Florida system allowed George Zimmerman to walk free after he chased down and murdered Trayvon Martin.
#IncarceratedMomsDay
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Brett Kavanaugh won’t return to teach at Harvard Law School next semester. Good to know Harvard Law School has higher standards than the Supreme Court.
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I just gave 1,000,000 dollars to Unidos Por Puerto Rico. Where r ur donations, Koch Bros. Mercers,
@realDonaldTrump
? Day 1 of activism.
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Mike Pence defended the shutdown by saying it’s “never a mistake to stand up for what you believe in.” What about kneeling for what you believe in? Would love to get your thoughts.
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Mental health issues. You know who is going to have mental health issues? Every person who witnesses a massacre and relentless gunfire. Every child who sees other children murdered in a fucking classroom. Every teacher. Every parent.
#GunReformNow
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Donald Trump is getting praised for his behavior at Bush’s funeral. Our president is such an asshole, we have to reward him when he doesn’t make a scene at a funeral.
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The ACLU has received over $24M in donations. That’s $1 for everyone who attended Trump’s inauguration. & then 23.7 million more dollars.
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Finding out that Merriam-Webster has officially recognized “irregardless” as a word is exactly why I’m going to take an edible and go back to bed for the rest of the day.
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Just evacuated my house. It’s like Donald Trump is setting the world on fire. Literally and figuratively. Stay safe everyone. Dark times.
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10 days. He’s spending the same amount of time in jail that parents who committed college bribery are spending. Why? Because he’s black.
"21-Year-Old Arrested For Oversleeping Through First Day Of Jury Duty"
10 days in Jail!
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!
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It must be nice that Piers Morgan gets to leave a situation when he feels uncomfortable but criticizes a black woman when she does the same. Qwhite interesting.
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If the United States was the greatest country in the world, a person wouldn’t have to work until they’re 89.
89-Year-Old Pizza Deliveryman Gets Surprise $12K Tip
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Trump just instructed the American people to take the HCQ and a zpack, but if you have a heart condition, maybe not the zpack. Isnt it illegal to give medical advice to the public without being a doctor? How is it legal to even air that without a retraction?
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Students are being suspended for taking pictures of schools that aren’t following coronavirus safety protocols. Hopefully they don’t stop until every student is suspended and safe at home.
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Nothing says I love my supporters— like driving through your own rally on your way to play golf.
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Because Trump has fucked up our country so bad, I think it’s only fair that we enact a law that white women who voted for him are not allowed to drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
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Let’s get rid of this woman and elect women who protect other women.,
@TedraCobb
Rep. Elise Stefanik (NY-21) voted to undermine equal pay protections for women, voted for the House Republican health care plan to kick 23 million people off their insurance, and repeatedly voted to defund Planned Parenthood.
That’s why we put her ON NOTICE.
#ByeByeElise
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What does Mitch McConnell have to say about having one voting place for 600,000 people in the state of Kentucky? One location. Kentucky had over 3700 voting places in 2016, now they have 200. Vote him out. Today.
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Can’t Prince Harry and his American girlfriend run our country? They seem nice.
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At this point, shouldn’t we just be ignoring what trump says? Let’s all stop amplifying his message or responding to his tweets or airing his rallies. Let’s focus on the people who can get us out of this mess.
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Hosting the WH Correspondent’s dinner is an unwinnable gig. If you go too far, you lose, if you don’t go far enough, you lose. Reminder that Sarah Huckabee Sanders does not deserve our pity. She lies to us every single day.
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Melania has been running around crusading for her
#BeBest
campaign and her husband just called Stormy Daniels ‘Horseface.’ Congrats girl, your initiatives are really taking off.
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This offer stands until November 3rd, Curtis.
Chelsea Handler Offers to Pay 50 Cent's Taxes If He Changes Mind on Supporting Trump
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Well,
@OMAROSA
if you have such a story to tell and you saw so many things that bothered you, the right thing to do would be to tell us what that was. Not tee yourself up for a book deal and make money off the American people that you fucked over by taking that job. Fuck off
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In case anyone was wondering—Donald Trump did not win the the Nobel Peace Prize.
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You know what has bad ratings? Your presidency. You know what will have the biggest ratings of all time? Your impeachment hearing.
Great solidarity for our National Anthem and for our Country. Standing with locked arms is good, kneeling is not acceptable. Bad ratings!
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When you’re worried that your wife copied off of Michelle again.
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I loved this nugget in a big way, and I took great pleasure in how many people loved him as much as I did and do.
@ChuyBravo
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There is an entire generation of children who’s first memory of their President is a man who supports child molestors, wife beaters, Russian hacking, and porn stars. It is our responsibility to make that a memory and not a consistency. We all have a moral obligation. Keep going.
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Imagine being molested by an older man. Then that man denies ever doing it and then goes on and gets elected to United States senate. What kind of message does that send to young girls everywhere? And men to all the men who abuse women?
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We have to elect candidates that are not funded by the NRA in November. We have an opportunity to elect candidates who won’t allow kids to go to school and get shot. It is disgusting how many times this has happened and Republicans do nothing. You all have blood on your hands.
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Tonight, Trump’s addressing the nation. Everyone should keep their eclipse glasses to protect eyes from the giant, orange ball of gas.
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Paul Ryan should be ashamed of himself. “Let’s not have a knee-jerk reaction..?” Youve never had a knee-jerk reaction to children being murdered over and over again. You look away and stuff your pockets. Please donate to
@IronStache
to replace Paul Ryan.
#timesuponpaulryan
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I watched what happened with
@Acosta
happen in real time yesterday, and that video is altered. Every reporter who has any shred of dignity should boycott covering the WH until you are all allowed in freely and equally. If you don’t stand up for one another, you will be next.
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Kellyanne Conway said viewers don’t trust the White House because they hear on CNN that they lack integrity and they lie. You also lock kids in cages, collude with Russia, pay off affairs, revoke security clearances, hire reality stars, and commit crimes. Does that clarify?
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When I was 17, I took my SATs on acid, but I never murdered two people.
Note to all Republicans: your guy’s son thinks killing two people is just growing pains.
Trump Jr. on alleged Kenosha shooter: "We all do stupid things at 17"
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Someone please just tell Republicans that climate change is a woman, so they try and control it.
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An American astronaut voted from space. So if you’re currently on the planet, you have no excuse.
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57 Buffalo police officers resigned in solidarity with their colleagues who were suspended for pushing a 75 year old man to the ground, landing him in the hospital. 57 people in one police department that think knocking an elderly man to the ground is ok.
#DefundThePolice
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Every past president that is still alive needs to come forward now and denounce Trump and advocate for him being declared unfit for office.
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I’m beginning to think Rudy Giuliani got his law degree from Trump University and his personality from Ambien.
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I’m going to just throw out an idea: we fill Megyn Kelly’s spot with a black woman.
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The NBA ran their season better than Trump ran the country these last 4 years.
Including tonight, the NBA played 172 games over three months and had ZERO positive coronavirus tests.
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Things I’ve learned so far this Friday: Michael Cohen has a tape of Trump talking about paying off his affairs, Roseanne is still racist, and Whoopi Goldberg deserves another Oscar for saying “fuck you” to Jeanine Pirro.
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Thousand Oaks is the 307th mass shooting in the U.S. this year. If that does not absolutely horrify you, then you need to take some time to yourself and think about why. An armed police officer is dead, so that didn’t work. When are Republicans going to stand up against the NRA?
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CNN is not fake news. We know that because when they make mistakes, they acknowledge it. Something our fake president has never once done.
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I’ve spent the day with a ski guide in Canada who pays 14 dollars a month for health insurance. In Canada’s, if you make under 35k a year, you get healthcare for free. What I’m the fuck is wrong with our country and why can’t we take care of our own people?
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I’ve been in Canada (work) for a few weeks, and there’s something refreshing about a whole other country making
@tedcruz
jokes, too. Everyone hear hates him, too. This makes me smile.
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The petition to remake the last season of
#GameofThrones
has hit 1 million signatures, and I think everyone who signed it should be required to make a donation to the ACLU. If you’re that mad about a TV show, you need to get your priorities together.
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Trump has made 836 false claims since January. If he hits a thousand by August, he gets a free FOX News tote bag.
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I can’t wait until Trump throws Giuliani under the bus, or Giuliani throws Trump under the bus; either way, I hope that Billy Bush is driving that bus.
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Last night I took a sleeping pill so I could stop eating.
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Please respect Ivanka’s privacy during this difficult time where she waits 3-6 months to respond to her father’s comments about Puerto Rico and say she didn’t agree with him.
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In honor of President’s Day, I would like you to know that you will go down as the worst president in the history of our country. Russia won this election for you. You didn’t. These teenagers in Florida are better suited to run this country.
@realDonaldTrump
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It’s amazing that women get called “emotional” when I have never seen more men throwing tantrums about Simone Biles.
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If you partied with me when I was in my 20s, don’t worry about what’s in the vaccine. You’ll be fine.
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In every country I travel, the questions from strangers are the same: what the fuck happened to your country and how did you elect trump?
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Why don’t we take a perfectly healthy person who has never had a drink or taken opioids or had a hard life and step on his neck for 8 mins and 46 seconds and see what happens.
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No, honey. You lost. By a lot.
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Susan Collins called the crowdfunding to get her to oppose Kavanaugh a “bribe.” Actually, it’s a way of letting you that if you choose to move this country backward, we will support someone who will push it forward.
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Waving goodbye to Trump, Mike Pence, and that entire cabinet of criminals.
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We didn’t have FAKE NEWS until we got stuck with this FAKE PRESIDENT. No one attacks the media who isn’t trying to hide stuff. This man lies day in and day out, and somehow that’s ok for every single person in his administration. Why? Does Russia have you all? Silence is guilt.
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.
@Simone_Biles
drew a boundary for herself and her health on the world stage. This is real superhuman strength, setting an example for all of us.
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Well, being lied to bothers me, girl. So maybe you should try not doing it, every single day.
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Would any executives at
@adidas
like to comment on this? Or is their relationship with Kanye West and money more important? Asking as a Jewish woman.
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390 women are planning to run for the House of Representatives, a figure that’s higher than at any point in American history. Twenty-two of them are non-incumbent black women — for scale, there are only 18 black women in the House right now.
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Melania defended her White House Christmas decorations by saying “we are in the 21st century, everyone has different taste.” Girl, we KNOW you have bad taste. Nobody was questioning that.
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I keep seeing the names “James Charles” and “Tati Westbrook” and I don’t know if these are Game of Thrones characters or candidates running for president, but I do know that we all should be donating to the ACLU and Planned Parenthood.
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