We wondered why the prison smelled of brimstone this morning. Congratulations inmate that’s quite a pull.

took you long enough to show up mfer. congrats @burningbeard you deserved that burn. @cel_mates by @mcbess

WARDEN ANNOUNCEMENT: SIT TIGHT IF YOU’RE TRYING TO APPLY DISCOUNTS ON CEL MATES / DUDES GEAR. RICARDO SEARCHING FOR ALTERNATIVE SUPPLIERS. MORE NEWS SOON.

Did you get to mint @cel_mates? November 22, 2022 Crime Reports sold out in 30 seconds Within a week Steel Hose Penitentiary opened (Discord) Mates Began to burn a week later There was a holder run newspaper #Shortgate was a thing Unwelcome packs mass shipped for free to

ATTENTION INMATES: GO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE CRYPT.

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Mark broke into the mayor’s house. Didn’t take valuables—just replaced all lightbulbs with bright white lights and filled the fridge with mousse. Arrested for crimes against feng shui.

@cel_mates gonna watch the cophead finals today? see you in the yard of Steel Hose Penitentiary at 6pm EST

prepare yourselves inmates... heat one goes live in twenty five @cel_mates

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Unrevealed CM Tina faked her own death to avoid paying for 7 years’ worth of Uber eats orders—only to reappear as her own long-lost twin “Sheila.” Neighbours suspected foul play when Sheila ordered the exact same curry and screamed at the same pigeons.

soon

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Lesley "No Diving" Barnes, notorious fraudster, served 4 years for peddling 'luxury' pools that were basically oversized bin liners. He also sold "self-cleaning" pool noodles—whatever that means. Legend has it he's now posing as a sad waterslide repairman.

… not all moments are created equal…

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Gordon Flett targeted 12 mailboxes in a cul-de-sac, slipping in handwritten postcards with eerie messages, as if from someone the reader had forgotten. One just said “WHY.” A woman cried, unsure why. He stole nothing—but was jailed for burglary of the mind.

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Jitterbug poured 5L of divine Clos du Temple rosé into warden’s hot tub, called it a “natural biodynamic rosé float,” and swirled himself in like sentient sangria. By the time security arrived, he’d vanished in the steam. Wanted dead or alive. Or dead.

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Velma Scarrington swapped city meters with fake ones printing quotes like “Time is a debt we pay in coins of regret.” Tourists paid for soul-crushing epiphanies. When the council caught on, she vanished—leaving only existential fines and one confused mayor.

the incarceration you didn't know you needed. @cel_mates by @mcbess

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Dennis Crankshaft told tourists their tattoos meant “peace and love.” They actually said “ham sandwich” and “Barry smells.” Charged $300 a pop. “If you trust a bloke in shades and a vest that says PENISTENTIARY,” he said, “you deserve it.”

MOST WANTED MONDAY 🚨 Psychic Joe duped Wall Street suits into believing the stars controlled stocks, raking in millions for his “cosmic insights.” Mercury in retrograde? Market crash. Jupiter rising? Buy. The guy could sell any horse shite—always had an answer, always got paid.

Ghost Gang

The Warden will be issuing extra pastis rations this evening for Death Row Head Honcho @0xbubba_'s chat with @tearsofnormies. 8pm GMT.