Caleb Pitts
@calebpitts1997
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1,356
Statuses
10,387
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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Two guys named Spike in the entire world. Both movie directors.
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Homeless guy: Caleb Pitts you will die on August 5th 2023 when a stray bullet flies through your bedroom window and into your neck.
Me [headphones in]: sorry brotha nothin on me
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Im really in to cussing these days like for instance fuck
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If I was the queen I’d show everyone my boobs before I died
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Mom says no video games during Christmas dinner. That’s funny, I can think of another place that said no video games. Nazi Germany.
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Don’t tell my wife but I learned how to eat pussy from a Reddit comment
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Cancel culture is so fucked up. I just lost my job. Just because I was dog shit at it.
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Nardwuar: and here is a hot dog. Because I know that you are hungry.
Me [tearing up]: how did you find this
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[Florida underwater - 2 million dead] no.... not My Thirties
i lost my teenage years to strict parents now i’m losing my twenties to the pandemic and then i’ll lose my thirties to the climate crisis
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Me and this big dick just chilling on the couch lol hope nobody comes down the chimney that would be random
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[watching a Wells Fargo commercial featuring a gay couple] Wow. That is so great. I hope this company takes my house.
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Pharrell’s music perfectly captured the feeling of being a yellow minion
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sorry
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i miss sitting face to face with my fifty best friends, just doing nothing but breathing in and out really hard
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Well hello ms Riley Reid. Funny seeing you in this Virtual Reality.
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Soooo… my highly contagious and deadly virus escaped my lab 😐
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We used to put SunScreen on our face, now kids but their face in Some Screen.
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Skateboarders should be in jail. Not my fault you chose an illegal hobby.
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melee tournament at the ymca and i pull up w this
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breaking my wife’s favorite mug then sitting like this til she comes home
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So you want me to wear a mask huh. Yeah bud, What’s next, a thong. Lacy brassiere. Corset. Gorgeous pumps. Dark red lipstick. Rosy blush. Leggings. Handcuffed to our bed. Begging you.
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If a SWAT team threw a flash bang grenade into my apartment I would simply look the other way
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Dem senator sext: hello my little piss kitten. Daddy’s on his way to punish you.
Republican senator sext: This Brett fron work . wanna see my log
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After our 2 yr old died, the marriage didnt even have a fighting chance. We blamed ourselves, then eachother. In the end, I think she hit the semi on purpose. Easier than having to see me grieve
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—> This blew up! Check out these cool green tea masks! Use code “MYSON” for $3 off!
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cool "18+" in your bio. did you do that so you can post about cigarettes.
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Three million dollars
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“Don’t Look Up” asks one pertinent and well-articulated question: what if a movie was Dog shit
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Sneakily trying to vape around in-laws and when they catch me pretending I ate a pepper from a cartoon
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[makes more than 12,000 in a year] seems I have grown out of this childish “leftism” and will be supporting the Iraq war from now on
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hey there, me and my best bud here are looking for a third. a third best bud. we need a third guy to play Uno with
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I almost remember something else being here. The Mandela Effect is strong AF.
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my personal Achilles Heel has got to be my brain. It's fairly likely that a single bullet in that specific area could kill me.
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As a result of my time in Afghanistan, I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, Acute Ligma, Sugma of the Bofa, Early onset Deez, MyPenisInYour, StupidSaysWhat, and Updog. Now, many of my conditions are acting up again. If you’re curious, it really helps for me to talk about them.
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hmm time to open my app. Yup a video of someone getting cut in half. Ok time for lunch. Omg soup dumplings.
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one of the worst feelings ever is being shot in the head by a guns bullet
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My penis just Rise and Gru because I am fucking a Minion
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Y’all. This is the Janitor who interrupted me trying to do Cocaine in the bathroom. His name is Jorge Ramirez. Here are his kids, Manny and Amelia. Make sure we let Amazon know what kind of scum they’re employing.
UPDATE: he has been fired 💅
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Getting mad about the Oscars is like getting mad at a bug
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If I was a girl I would do funny stuff with the guys penis like say “mic check, 1-2-3” into the top of it. Lol luckily I’m just a straight guy who thinks about this stuff.
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going to africa on a missionary trip and in a sea of 2003 Panthers Superbowl swag I see a "9/10 Never Forget" t-shirt and start thinking really hard
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Scientists now say we have two seconds to reverse the effects of climate change before oops lol there it goes
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women are biologically incapable of understanding two monitors
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“Geoff” is one of the most fucked names in all of God’s creation.
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most classic rock songs are about a British guy fucking a 13 year old
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What the hell they saying it’s a sugma strain of the virus now. Yeah they’re actually saying, the news, and everyone, that there is a new Sugma strain of the virus. Yeah it seems this new virus is actually a Sugma strain, kind of like the Sugma version almost
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TV is fucking bullshit these days. But low key i be watching it
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[Sopranos scene]
Jacked 25 year old: please no Paulie I’ll have the money next month I swear
76 year old man: [kills him with a single punch]
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Yoda: MILF meaning granny porn, it does not. But, MILF meaning very tan 20-year-old, it also does not.
Me: yes master
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lotta pussies asking "why not just fight the cops" without realizing that's an automatic 3 stars. helicopter following. if you dont have a sports car then good fucking luck lol
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“Oh you don’t have good (regional food) in America”. Lol. Jokes on you bitch. I get to live in the most Evil country of all time 💯
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This clout shit funny some white bitch at chick fil a just said it was her “pleasure” to give me the bathroom code
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Found myself in a lucid dream for the first time in years last night and simply created a scenario where my real life wife gave me a blowjob
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Lol
@Braingetter
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Lol weed makes me so weird [intently knocks my own water over] like what was that
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Wow. I honestly thought there were no survivors
NEW: Reporters who survived the deadly Capitol riot are still struggling. Some won’t go back into the building. Several have sought therapy to deal with trauma. Many still aren’t sleeping well.
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MILFs are like oxygen for a guy like me - CANT GET ENOUGH!!!
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There’s something deeply sad to me about your best friend being murdered
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people be laughing when someone famous dies but when theyselves die be silent af 🤐
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There’s a guy named David Lunch. And he makes movies. Yeah, that’s gonna be a Lol from me.
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casual music fans: I love Snoop Lion. That’s always been his name too.
actual music fans: His real name is Snoop Dogg and he’s one of the greatest Gangsta rappers of all time
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My Kendrick Lamar loving ass just learned about Civil Rights. One word: Awesomeness.
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Drug cocktail for a good time: 200mg Friendship, 150 mg Fun, A key bump of Openness, and a half tab of Selflessness.
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Would I suck dick for a million dollars? That would depend heavily on whether or not I am in love with the man.
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In my mouth 💯
Millions of women don't know where their own vagina is located
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YES, I am fully vaccinated. NO, I will not be leaving my hamster ball. I can smell my own farts in there!
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Time to pick up my Nintendo DS. I love being 11 years old , and I will always be normal
WARIO WARE: PUT MUSTARD IN THE MANS MOUTH …6…5…4..
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Just found out that if I had bought $1,000 worth of Dollars in 1913 I’d now have $26,755. FAIL!
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Pretty shitty day thank God it’s illegal to kill yourself
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