David Gardner
@byDavidGardner
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Working @nytimes . Retiring from Twitter.
New York, NY
Joined April 2009
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Luka
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Pinned Tweet
We often talk about athletes "sailing off into the sunset" at the end of their careers. Well, I talked to one who actually did it. My new story for
@nytimes
is about former Major Leaguer John Jaso, who's living his best retirement life
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"I'm here live. I'm not a cat."
A lawyer logged into the 394th Judicial District with a cat filter on and couldn't turn it off.
This may be the funniest video I've seen this year.
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I don’t know, man, maybe some dudes from the 1700s who owned people and would be mystified by the sight of a dishwasher weren’t right about everything in perpetuity
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Norm MacDonald on battles with cancer: “I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.”
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I mean, you gotta give Rudy Gobert DPOY. He shut the whole league down.
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What if I told you: You can like both LeBron James and Michael Jordan as basketball players
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RIP to Dwayne Haskins. He said he was gonna go to Ohio State the first time he stepped foot on campus as a little kid. And he became a Buckeye legend.
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When my wife asks me to open a jar and I get it on the first turn
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Norm MacDonald on battles with cancer cancer: “and I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.”
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This is no time to be doubling attendance!
Attendance at Rutgers football games will be limited to 500 in accordance with executive orders issued by New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy.
➡️
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Even Cole Beasley thinks Ben Simmons is being too hesitant about shots
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Kanye West isn’t really gonna run for President, but his next album will be called Presidential Dropout
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The Onion has absolutely had it with America’s bullshit today
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Today is the true anniversary of lockdown. A year ago today, Tiger King entered our lives
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Extremely healthy 23-year-old Jayson Tatum still has to use an inhaler before basketball games after contracting the coronavirus in January
Spotify’s Joe Rogan encourages "healthy" young people not to get a coronavirus vaccine. His show is Spotify's most popular podcast.
“If you're like 21 years old, and you say to me, should I get vaccinated? I'll go no.”
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For the first time in recorded history, a healthy exchange occurred in Twitter replies. Shout out to Elliot Page; he truly brings out the best in all of us
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So Fox News has been putting photoshopped images of Seattle in their broadcasts and on their website. When the Seattle Times asked about them, Fox lied in the statement. Literally fake news.
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Whenever there's a close Olympics finish, I think of this classic Jerry Seinfeld bit
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Google: Are you having fun watching the game?
America: Yeah actually, it's—
Google: Did you want a reminder that everyone you love is going to die?
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“I’ll tell you about aliens if you tell me about the Ewing draft”
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Do you remember watching SportsCenter when you didn't know who won the game? It was amazing.
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If we lived in a country where the people picked the president, we could have all gone to bed an hour ago. But instead we're still devoted to a system designed by some dudes with wooden teeth who thought owning other humans was cool
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That seals the deal. The bots are out in full force, folks
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Just a reminder to all the vaccine skeptics out there: When moving the goalposts today, lift with your legs, not your back. Our hospitals are already overwhelmed.
Breaking News: The FDA granted full approval to the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine, a first for a Covid shot in the U.S. It will pave the way for new vaccine mandates.
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BREAKING: I just went to the grocery store, which was adequately stocked, and bought a normal amount of food
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Yeah, it's almost like we should have an entire Department devoted to Education
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Secretary of Defense Gritty addressing the nation in 2021 (AP)
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Which Office episode is harder to watch: Dinner Party or Scott’s Tots?
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There's a good chance Tony Romo knows what's in the Mueller Report
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It's as true today as it's been for the past three years: Colin Kaepernick is good enough to play in the NFL, but the NFL doesn't want him to
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Interesting. Have you considered, as an alternative solution, not shooting people?
We recently purchased some Not-Reaching Pouches to help reduce deadly force encounters between law enforcement and citizens during traffic stops. The pouches store a driver’s license, and insurance card in plain sight in the vehicle on an air vent or other visible location.
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Derrick Henry strolling out of the locker room in Baltimore in the second half
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Some people are born and raised as Jets / Mets / Knicks fans. Imagine the pain and suffering
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Some people just can’t handle my takes because they’re too real
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The former president's blog gets fewer visitors than the pet-adoption service Petfinder.
The Internet is healing.
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Signing onto a zoom that was scheduled for 4 pm on Friday
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Jon Stewart is back. "There’s always this begrudging sense that black people are being granted something, when it’s white people’s lack of being able to live up to the defining words of the birth of the country that is the problem."
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We went from “comedy is now legal on Twitter” to “parody accounts will be perma-banned” in less than two weeks. Well done, everyone
Going forward, any Twitter handles engaging in impersonation without clearly specifying “parody” will be permanently suspended
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Charles Barkley: "I wanna say this about Zion Williamson. He’s an amazing kid from a distance. He’s been a great jolt of energy for the NBA. *BUT* if they screw Ja Morant out of this Rookie of the Year thing, I’m going to be really pissed, and I’m going to blow a gasket on TNT."
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Some personal news: A week ago, my wife and I welcomed our rainbow baby into the world. What Lilia Gardner lacks in size (6 lbs, 9 oz), she more than makes up for in cuteness
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You've got to read this Jon Stewart quote in full. There's no other way to do it justice.
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My buddy Lincoln found a perfectly wrapped In-N-Out burger...
On the streets of Queens, New York!
I AM FREAKING OUT
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So I'm assuming Peyton and Eli had on the same shirt tonight, and a producer made Eli throw on a sweater?
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Kawhi Leonard is now the only player in history to win Finals MVP in the Eastern Conference and the Western Conference
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Me: “I can’t feel these edibles at all. I’m gonna have some more.”
2 hours later:
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Tennessee vs. Toothpaste. Historically, a tough matchup
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Has Tennessee tried turning the program off and then turning it on again?
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Shaq is one of the only rich people whose life makes sense to me. He owns a bunch of restaurants, does ridiculous things like try to be a sheriff, gives random strangers elaborate gifts, and talks shit about anyone at any time without hesitation or remorse
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@kenklippenstein
Person working two jobs to bring home $23k a year: Are we eroding Senate norms by overruling the Parliamentarian to pass the $15 minimum wage?
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Will Smith consistently looks like the only actor who can take a joke at his own expense
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I won’t believe Sarah Sanders is really leaving till she denies it
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People who have been downplaying coronavirus and refusing to wear masks trying to figure out why college football is on the brink of cancelation
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How do you not know who to ask??
Do I have college eligibility if I went to play another sport besides basketball? How does that rule work?
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Time's up.
Scientists Say They Can Recreate Living Dinosaurs Within the Next 5 Years
http://t.co/NCHlCVx8ad
by
@Geoff_Weiss
http://t.co/4vk36Xa13Y
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This man just pulled an Irish exit on his own family at his own party. What a legend
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For your entertainment, this man has endured torn cartilage in two ribs, a torn abdomen, a torn labrum, a lacerated kidney and a concussion. Does he owe you more than that?
Andrew Luck gets booed walking off the field as fans learn about his reported retirement
(via
@RichNye13
, h/t
@brgridiron
)
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Piers Morgan has repeatedly defended Paul Gascoigne during his mental health struggles. But he won't extend the same sympathy to Naomi Osaka, Meghan Markle or Simone Biles. I wonder why.
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There’s an amazingly thorough Reddit thread speculating that Tom Brady is missing Bucs camp because he’s filming The Masked Singer. I pray that this is true.
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Didn’t realize Tom Cruise had signed onto a Norm Macdonald biopic
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Well I guess you can say this for GETTR: They understand their audience
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Secured a 4 am slot for that J+J shot. About to have my wildest night in a calendar year
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I was riding high today till I realized I actually invested in GameStop Total Landscaping
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Jon Stewart on Trump: "He’s a man who has suffered no consequences. His is a recklessness born of experience. He’s like a malevolent Mr. Magoo. He always knows the I-beam is going to swing down and the building is going to collapse—but who cares, because he’ll walk out unscathed.
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I've lost track in the replies, but someone said The Princess Bride. I'll fight you with my hands.
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"Imagine the anguish of living in a country that profited off the forced labor of your ancestors, and is still having this conversation: "Hey, do you think we should fly the flag of the people that fought to enslave your ancestors? ... Good idea or bad idea?'"
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This has been obvious to everyone except the IOC for the past week
Exclusive: 2020 Tokyo Olympics will be postponed, likely to 2021, veteran IOC member Dick Pound says
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My wife and I recently reached an agreement where I have to admit it publicly every time I eat Taco Bell.
So...
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I love Little Caesars because they don’t make any promises about how fresh their ingredients are or even how good their pizza tastes. All they promise is that it’s hot and it’s ready. Sometimes that’s all you need.
The NFL announced that Little Caesars is now the new official pizza sponsor of the NFL, replacing Pizza Hut.
The agreement offers Little Caesars a set of exclusive marketing rights designed to connect the brand with the NFL, its events, and fans.
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What about him blowing off your own journalist did you appreciate?
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It's weird to see Charlie Weis — who spent his career collecting checks for jobs he wasn't doing anymore — complain about socialism
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In addition to spending significant time on the wing, Malik Monk (23) is also expected to help the rest of the Lakers roster with things like opening PDFs, avoiding scam phone calls and not groaning when they sit down on/standup from the bench
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The Green Book producer praising Viggo and almost forgetting to mention Mahershala pretty much sums it up, right?
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The oldest Celtics player, Al Horford, was 14 when Joe Johnson was drafted in 2001.
This is nuts.
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Happy fourth anniversary to the worst fake punt in NFL history
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I'm trying to imagine how underfunded public schools are going to be more prepared to reopen than a multibillion dollar sports league
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Quitting a job over your principles at any time takes immense courage. Even more so given this current media landscape
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“Neither of these teams is gonna go to the White House. LOL”
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Don’t have to delete his tweets
If you delete his account
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This is the smoothest local news hit I’ve ever seen and I doubt it’ll ever be topped
Free skateboarding lessons are happening at a new skatepark in Detroit. Of course I had to show the kids something on
@Local4News
. In all seriousness - as a child, I would have killed for a new park and mentors in the skateboarding community. Glad to see it’s happening in Detroit
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I'll never forget John Clayton, a great NFL writer and reporter, and the star of the greatest SportsCenter commercial of all time
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"What is broken about Washington is ... you have a duopoly, there is no incentive to work together to create something better. Plus, you have one party whose premise is that government is bad and whose goal is to prove that, which makes them, in essence, a double agent."
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This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy did his own research
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