Brian Wecht
@bwecht
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Musician/Comedian/Theoretical Physicist. Kid band: @gobananagoband . Adult bands: @ninjasexparty @starbomb . Pod: @leightonnight .
Los Angeles, CA
Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Just got called a "little butt baby" by a 6 yr old at the playground. Told him I had a PhD in theoretical physics. Didn't change his mind.
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9yo: Daddy, how does our family get money?
Me: I have a job
9yo: You do?
Me: You know that band where I’m a ninja?
9yo: YOU GET PAID FOR DOING THAT???
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At some point during college, I lost my high school class ring. Today, 24 years or so later, I got this email.
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The secret to a successful creative life is to care deeply while simultaneously not giving a fuck.
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Do a simple task now? No thanks, I’d prefer to wait until the last minute and turn it into a huge problem for myself
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Audrey (3yo): Tweet tweet!
Me: Aw, are you a birdy?
Audrey: Yes! I’m a mommy bird!
Me: Where are your babies?
Audrey: They’re eggs! They’re so cute!!!
Me: And is there a daddy bird?
Audrey, suddenly serious: He died a long time ago
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Audrey (4yo) and I saw a big rainbow flag while in West Hollywood today.
Audrey: Daddy, what’s that?
Me: A rainbow flag. It reminds us that there are lots of different kinds of people in the world & that we should love everyone.
Audrey: Well I already love everyone, so I WIN.
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RIP our sweet dog Coco, who we had to put down today after several weeks of rapidly worsening health problems. She was a great dog, and we’re happy we could provide her with a loving home during the last several years of her life.
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*in pool with Audrey*
Audrey: Daddy, I am the queen of the pool! You are a PEASANT.
Me: Oh, I am? Well...
Audrey: PEASANTS DON’T TALK
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Audrey (3yo): Daddy, are there cats in the world?
Me: Yes. Cats exist.
Audrey: Wow
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Me: Audrey, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Audrey (4yo): A music player, just like you!
Me: Yay!
Audrey: And I can play in your band!
Me: Yes please!
Audrey: And then when you die, I can take your place!
Me: ...
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Audrey (3yo): Daddy, cast a spell on me!
Me: OK! This is a happy spell. It makes you happy!
*long pause*
Me: Well, did it work?
Audrey (without emotion): Daddy, look at me. Do I seem happy?
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Audrey (4yo): Daddy, what’s 100 minus 1?
Me: 99
Audrey: What’s 40 million plus one?
Me: 40,000,001
*10 seconds of stunned silence*
Audrey: Wow daddy, you know a lot of math.
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Today at Audrey’s preschool, they talked about love. Her teacher asked the class to talk about things their parents had done for them that demonstrated love. Audrey burst into tears, because…
…she couldn’t think of anything.
I hate kids.
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Audrey (5yo): Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
Audrey: A tree
Me: A tree who?
*very very long pause*
Me: Everything OK, honey?
Audrey, whispering: I can’t say anything
Me: Why?
Audrey, still whispering: I’m a tree
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Audrey (5yo): Daddy, what's one hundred fifty million billion killion gillion million plus a million million zillion killion?
Me: I can't answer that.
Audrey (quietly): I thought you knew math
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“Daddy, I wish you were a real ninja, not one that just plays music.” - Audrey, getting real
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The steam escaping my coffee this morning briefly looked like a triumphant ghost.
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Audrey (4yo): I want to make music with Danny!
Me: That would be fun! We could all write a song...
Audrey, interrupting: After you die. I only want to do it after you die.
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2007: I give 4 lectures on string theory in front of 200 people at CERN
2017: I shove 69 bras in my pants in front of 3000 people in Orlando
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Me: Audrey, why did you make a big mess?
Audrey (4yo): So I could learn how to clean it up.
Me: That’s...actually a great reason. Carry on.
Audrey: (begins cleaning up)
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Me: *sings something*
Audrey (5yo): Danny could sing that better than you. All you do is play the piano.
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So much pointless arguing about pop culture could be avoided if people would just say “I don’t like this” instead of “this is bad”.
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Asked my 5yo “what should we do tonight” and she started giggling and said “drink daddy’s blood” so I’m pretty much just tweeting this to get everything on the record before I go missing
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Audrey’s bday party is today.
The bounce house arrived at 8 AM.
The guests get here at 11 AM.
Which means...
THREE HOURS OF BOUNCE HOUSE ALL TO MYSELF
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Audrey (4yo): I like sharing gummy bears with you, daddy!
Me: Me too! Isn’t it nice to do things that make people happy? I love doing things that make *you* happy!
Audrey (tiny voice): then why do you go away on trips and make me sad
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I'm sorry, everybody. I am truly, truly sorry. Take care of yourself and be with people you love. Bigotry and hate will not win in the end.
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Audrey (4yo): Daddy, why do you write songs for money?
Me: Because that’s my job. Also I love doing it.
Audrey: For money?
Me: Yes, that’s how I make money, but I also just really like making music.
Audrey: For money.
Me: Yes, but...
Audrey: MOMMY, DADDY WRITES MUSIC FOR MONEY
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Guys, I'm standing in Times Square right now looking at this billboard and kind of getting emotional.
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Be kind. Have empathy. Respect others.
This isn't hard, guys. Do it.
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Today I talked to Audrey’s preschool class (3 & 4 yr olds) about Louis Armstrong.
Me: This is Louis Armstrong. He played the trumpet.
Kid: Did he die?
Me: Um...yes.
Other kid: Why did he die?
Me: He got very old. Does anyone have any music questions?
Another kid: I ate a muffin
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*playing BotW*
Audrey (6yo): Daddy, if you find all the shrines, you’ll be a rock star!
Me: I kind of am a rock star already, honey.
Audrey: No you’re not. Rock stars have good hair.
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a thing I wrote for my job in 2011 and a thing I wrote for my job in 2021
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Happy Birthday to a guy that forever changed my life: Dan Avidan. Audrey & I recorded a little message to celebrate.
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Dear fellow adults,
Please do not publicly insult teenagers, even if you happen to strongly disagree with their politics. Doing this kind of thing very clearly identifies you as an asshole.
Sincerely,
Almost everyone
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tfw the day before you leave for tour your 4 year old daughter looks you in the eyes and says in a super sad tiny voice “Daddy, please don’t leave”.
SORRY AUDREY DADDY’S GOTTA ROCK
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My 4yo just said “Daddy, here’s some of my money” and handed me one Romanian Leu. Neither my wife nor I know where she got this.
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if thanos is so obsessed with balance then why is he only wearing one glove
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When I tweet and you respond “Brian.”, it increases my resolve.
When I tweet and you respond “go to bed”, it increases my strength.
When I tweet and you respond “STOP”, it increases my power.
I am Ozymandias, King of Shitposts. Look on my Tweets, ye Mighty, and despair!
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sometimes I think I really have my shit together and then I remember I’m a 42 year old man who tweets dick jokes at teenagers
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Audrey (4yo): Daddy, I only love you a little, but I love mommy a lot.
Me: Why?
Audrey: Because your body never made food for me when I was a baby.
Me: Makes sense
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Thanks for all the birthday wishes, everyone. Here’s the cake I ate all of while thinking about how great you are.
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Me: Audrey, do you know who I love more than you?
Audrey (3yo): Who?
Me: Nobody!
Audrey: Daddy, do you know who I love more than you?
Me: Who?
Audrey: Mommy!
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Me: Audrey, who loves dinosaurs?
Audrey (5yo): Me!
Me: Audrey, who loves unicorns?
Audrey: Me!!!
Me: Audrey, who loves daddy?
Audrey: Nobody
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Audrey (4yo) and I are sitting on a couch together.
Audrey: You’re the best!
Me: Aw, thank you, honey.
Audrey: I WAS TALKING TO MYSELF
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Want to know if anybody’s judging you for going out without wearing a mask and not social distancing? Well, wonder no more. Because it’s me. I, Brian Wecht, am judging you. Wear a mask and give other people space.
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It’s official: Audrey’s first rage quit is the fishing game in Stardew Valley
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Yesterday, Audrey asked me "Daddy, do you know how to make 12?" and then explained that she could do it by counting to 3 four times. We talked about multiplication and she even started solving some simple multiplication problems on her own! I am a PROUD MATH DAD today.
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Ways my 5yo has recently introduced herself to people:
“I’m Audrey. I have 6 letters in my name.”
“I’m Audrey. A lot of people like me.”
“I’m Audrey. I may look small but I’m really smart!”
“I’m Audrey. I don’t like mushrooms.”
“I’m Audrey. You’re old.”
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Audrey (5yo) just did a little science experiment and then screamed “No scientists know this! I *am* science!!!” so I’m like 90% sure we’re raising a supervillain
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Me: Audrey, do you know what we get to ride on next week?
Audrey (5yo): No, what?
Me: A monorail! It’s a train, but do you know how many rails it rides on?
Audrey: No!
Me: (whispering) One.
Audrey: (audibly gasps)
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My 5yo just flexed on me in front of a barista by saying “I’m Audrey, I have 6 letters in my name. My daddy only has 5.”
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Audrey (4yo): Braaaaains....braaaaaains
Me: Oh no, a zombie!
Audrey: I’m a baby zombie!
Me: *gasps*
Audrey: And “brains” means “hugs”.
*hugs ensue*
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Audrey when I’m home:
- NO DADDY
- NO KISS ME
- NO TALK TO ME
- GO AWAY DADDY
Audrey 2 mins after I leave for a trip:
- i miss my daddy
- where is my daddy? i love him
- my daddy is so sweet
- *sobbing* will my daddy ever come back
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Audrey (3yo): I think Daddy's a great musician but he's not a great writer.
Me, to myself: She can’t even spell her name, but take the note and move on
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if you're happy and you know it, stay off the internet
if you're happy and you know it, stay off the internet
if you're happy and you know it and you really don't want to blow it
if you're happy and you know it, stay off the internet
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Audrey (3yo): Mommy, look at this picture I drew of us!
Rachel: That’s so nice! What’s this blob over here?
Audrey: That’s daddy, but after I drew him I crossed him out.
Me: wtf
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Audrey (6yo): Daddy, I’m very sad.
Me: I know, honey. It’s sad that Coco died. It’s probably the saddest thing that’s happened so far in your life.
Audrey (thinking for a moment): I might be a little sad when you die too
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Audrey (4yo): Daddy! Daddy! Come here!
Me (entering from other room): OK, I’m here. What is it?
Audrey: Can you please leave me alone?
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HUGE parenting milestone this past weekend: My 9yo called me “cringe” for the first time.
I’d like to thank everyone out there who made this possible. I had a lot of help getting here, and if I am more cringe than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.
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“I really missed mommy at school today so my teacher helped me write this letter. I didn’t miss you, Daddy, but my teacher said I had to put your name on the letter so you woudn’t feel bad.”
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shoutout to my 6yo who, during one of her Zoom classes, brought the laptop into the bathroom while I was taking a shower, causing me to scream “TURN OFF THE CAMERA” several times while she screamed “I CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE TAKING A SHOWER”
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Audrey, listening to Ninja Brian Goes to Soccer Practice: “Daddy, it is SO FUNNY when you stab Danny.”
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*Audrey’s room, at the end of bedtime*
Me: Good night, Audrey. I love you very, very much and I always will, no matter what.
Audrey (5yo): Daddy?
Me: Yes, honey?
Audrey: What’s the F word?
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Audrey, pointing at a guy: Daddy! Does that boy live on EARTH?
Me: Yes.
Audrey: *gasps* I live on Earth too! ALL MY FRIENDS LIVE ON EARTH!
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Reasons I hate summer:
- it's too sunny
- it's too warm
- watching people having fun angers me
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after
4 years of college
6 years of grad school
and 8 years of being a postdoc
today I wrote this tweet responding to Logan Paul
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Audrey (5yo): Daddy, I only like it when mommy wakes me up in the morning.
Me: Why?
Audrey: She’s a girl. She’s pretty.
Me: I’m not pretty?
Audrey: *thinks for a few seconds* Maybe a little?
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Friday is Share Day at Audrey’s preschool, where they have to bring in a toy and come up with a few simple clues so that the other kids can try to guess what it is. Here’s what Audrey chose to bring in today.
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Audrey (2 yrs old): Daddy, I love you!
Me: awww
A: Daddy, you my boy!
Me: weird but sweet
A: Daddy, you are a penisface!
Me: sick burn honey
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*at restaurant*
Audrey (5yo): I like this soup! We should make this at home!
Me: OK! We can try.
Audrey: No, that’s too late.
Me: What? We can’t try?
Audrey: Oh. I thought you said “when we die”.
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Kids are great at celebrating success. I write and record an album and think “maybe that was OK” but my 4yo carries her chair across the room and screams “I AM THE STRONGEST GIRL IN THE WORLD”
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What’s the dumbest/most pointless way you’ve injured yourself?
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“Audrey, put your shoes on! This is the fifth time I’ve asked you.”
“Dad, why are you so obsessed with leaving?”
I’m raising a creature made out of PURE ATTITUDE but good on her for knowing the word “obsessed”
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Before we watched The Force Awakens with our 6yo for the first time yesterday, we reviewed the various Star Wars characters and found out that she thought Han Solo was Chewbacca’s assistant and husband
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Audrey (3yo): *points at me* Pretend you’re the daddy of our family.
Me: wow
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Audrey (4yo) just described a long book as “chapterous” and now that’s in my vocabulary.
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Seems like a good time to remind everyone that human-made climate change is real and likely to be catastrophic.
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Audrey (3yo): Daddy, I don’t love you. I can only love one person and I love mommy.
@rachelwecht
: Audrey, you can love lots of people.
Audrey: OK! I love lots of people!
Me: Yay!
Audrey: ...but not daddy.
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I caused a system error in Audrey today when she told me “I not doing ANYTHING you say” and I said “OK, do NOT come over here.” She paused and then crumpled to the floor, sobbing.
Luckily, the system rebooted after a few hugs.
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Audrey (4yo): Daddy, what’s a god?
Me: A god is a very, very powerful creature.
Audrey: Like a snapping shrimp!
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How I want it to work w/ my 3yo:
Me: Audrey come here
Audrey: No
Me: OK stay there
A: No
Me: I have trapped you in a logical contradiction & now you must admit defeat
A: Agreed
How it actually works:
Me: Audrey come here
A: No
Me: OK stay there
A: No
Me: REALLY
A: I no love you
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Getting a haircut = being stuck in a terrible conversation where the person you’re talking to also has a knife
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We confirmed it was mine, and they volunteered to mail it back to me. What a wonderful, considerate gesture, and so typical of the kind of people I knew at
@WilliamsCollege
.
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Me: How was school today?
Audrey (6yo): Great! I did Girl Group at recess.
Me: What’s “Girl Group”?
Audrey: Me and [3 other girls] walk around, pick up trash, and help sad kids feel better
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Audrey (5yo): Daddy, do you want to hear a joke?
Me: Yes please!
Audrey: Why did the cupcake say goodbye to his mom?
Me: I don’t know! Why?
Audrey: Because she was DEAD!!!
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Last year, Rachel took Audrey to church for Christmas. The second time the priest mentioned Jesus, Audrey (then 3yo) said (very loudly) “JESUS? AGAIN??”
Merry Christmas, everyone.
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Audrey, upon seeing a tiny child with poofy hair: "DANNY!!! DANNY!!! HI DANNY!!! *pause* Oh wait, he too small."
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