Brendon Walsh
@brendonwalsh
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6,791
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LASERWANG T-SHIRT PRE-SALE!!! Designed and screen printed by yours truly! Order one NOW 🤩
@WorldRecordPod
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Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
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Ever been so depressed you didn't even change the channel when "Two and a Half Men" came on?
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Gonna take my kids to see that gay Buzz Lightyear movie to turn them gay
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If Joe Biden loses to Donald Trump in November, I will eat a plate of dog shit.
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At least he didn't fuck it!
Priest slaps crying baby hard across cheek during baptism shocking parents
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Why isn't STOP MAKING PLASTIC ever on the table?
This man is playing fetch with a Beluga Whale. This is INCREDIBLE. ❤️
We honestly don't deserve these Majestic Creatures. 😭
Protect them at all costs.
PLEASE STOP USING PLASTIC
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If you think about it, Republicans are like the violent alcoholic fathers of the country, Democrats are our manipulative over protective mothers, and the American people are the schizophrenic kids secretly thinking about burning down the house!
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If you see me out, know that I just want to go home and watch my shows.
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Today I learned that there are no U.S. cities that have both Chili's and Outback Steakhouse.
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Why include those texts on your billboard for cell phone service?
#smh
http://t.co/VVzrBroitP
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Two of the least funny people I know are comedians. The funniest person I know is a construction worker.
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“It's Easier to Fool People Than It Is to Convince Them That They Have Been Fooled.”
– Mark Twain
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You don't have to agree with cosby but the mob can't make me not love him. We are both dragon energy. He is my brother. I love everyone. I don't agree with everything anyone does. That's what makes us individuals. And we have the right to independent thought.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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I just discovered Crow's Milk. It's so delicious and chock full of nutrients! It's the best bird milk I've ever had, hands down. Make it your new years resolution to try Crow's Milk!
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"Let's just put a brick on the gas pedal and see what happens" - The United States of America
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Every single thing every corny old motherfucker told you when you were in your 20's is true as fuck.
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FACT: Trump's wife is named Melania.
FACT: Obama has a daughter named Melania.
FACT: Not one news outlet has mentioned this once.
What are they covering up?
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Who are the best comedians to follow for information about Covid-19?
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My anus hurts. I think I have craphole tunnel syndrome.
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My grandma's tits should win a
#SagAward
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
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Here are some band names that are so bad they piss me off:
The Brian Jonestown Massacre
The Dandy Warhols
Foxygen
Car Seat Headrest
Soccer Mommy
Bowling For Soup
Save Ferris
Add some of your own below
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We're wiping cum on each other
Caption this. 😳
(Official White House Photo by Joyce Boghosian)
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DUDES ONLY: Wouldn't it be cool if they made bags of 'girlfriend food' or 'wife food' like they make dog food? You just fill up their bowl!
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If motorcycles are legal, is it legal for me to walk through neighborhoods yelling "here I come!" through a bullhorn over and over again?
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I make "fuck you" money, but the "fuck you" is directed at me
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Remember when your other pig-demon child tortured and killed a stray dog?
Bigotry. On the menu at Red Hen Restaurant in Lexington VA. Or you can ask for the “Hate Plate”. And appetizers are “small plates for small minds”
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If you live in Los Angeles, are in high school, and want beer, wine, or liquor, tweet to me and I will buy it for you (for a small fee)
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Remember: anything is possible if you have rich parents.
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I only like Mumford & Sons, Lumineers, Of Monsters & Men type music. Bands with 100 members wearing overalls, yelling "hey!" all at once.
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I have a very close friend who works for a major medical research company. I asked her about what we can be doing beyond self-isolation, etc, and she had some very important information. She gave me permission to share our messages on social media (1/x)
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Earthquake, then extra terrestrial visitors by Friday. If I'm wrong, I'll live stream myself eating a plate of dog shit.
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My account was suspended for saying Tomi Lahren's parents raised a moronic cunt.
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LOS ANGELES STORM ALERT
Here’s what to do to prepare for Hurricane Hilary:
-bring pets inside
-do diarrhea in toilet. Flush
-if diarrhea doesn’t flush, scoop into bag
-put diarrhea bag outside
-let rain wash diarrhea bag away
-do not put your address on diarrhea bag
(cont’d)
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No line at
@Spencers
, if you need to stock up on supplies (Bob Marley posters, lava lamps, dick straws, etc)
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If u clap when a server drops dishes in a restaurant, u should be thrown down a flight of stairs & banned from going to restaurants forever.
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I just found out I look exactly like John Wayne Gacy. So how's your Saturday going?
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The director is like "Salami biting scene, take one! Action! Wait cut cut cut cut! Don't bite that salami." And the dude is like "as you wish."
#BTSSalamiBitingFakeOut
#7
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When I turned 18, my dad gave me a photo album filled with pictures of him sticking each toothbrush I ever owned up his ass.
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Me and Eric are putting on a pot of coffee and we're going to figure this out. TONIGHT. We're in the White House. Sleepy Joe is in a cheap motel where he belongs.
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Priest takes 8 year-old's penis out of his mouth to say Harry Potter books are evil.
"Harry Potter" books removed from Catholic school library after priest rules the spells are real, could manifest "evil spirits"
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I'm a dumb asshole who doesn't know right from wrong and lacks empathy. What are some good Twitter threads I can read to help me change?
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Haven't they been through enough? Keep your shitty music to yourself!
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I have "fuck you" money, except the "fuck you" is directed towards me.
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Your son tortured and killed a stray dog.
After seeing the young female hired to verbally bully anyone who worked for
@realDonaldTrump
I now understand why eating Tide Pods is popular. That level of vulgarity is best handled with a mouth washed out w/ soap. Have some more Tide Pods.
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Is this because they didn't ask you to sing "Imagine"?
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NOBODY WATCH THIS
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My daughter received a very rude gift in the mail from
@toddbarry
. I'm mad at her for wearing it.
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Have Nicholas Cage and John Travolta swapped faces with that app yet?
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Steph Curry celebrates tonight's win by stuffing 8 mouthguards in his mouth.
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I heard that
@toddbarry
is opening an anti-joke comedy club
Podcast host Joe Rogan officially opened the doors to his anti-woke comedy club in Austin, Texas.
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Hey everyone, just want to let my voice be heard about the
#heatscam
currently happening in Los Angeles. The lamestream media is reporting a "heatwave" but it's probably about 50 degrees.
@GavinNewsom
is under the air conditioning industry's control!
@duncantrussell
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Day 5 of sobriety: only had two beers & a vodka soda! Feels great!
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My dad invented the word Toyotathon. That's why I'm rich.
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This has been intentionally ignored by every major news source. Why?
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Reptilian presidential candidate Ted Cruz giving praise to The Lord while eating a rodent.
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Check it out. I just finger-blasted Donald Trump! 😎😎😎😎✌
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Wait, so making phone calls to crooked politicians didn't work? Dang.
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Getting replies from people saying they have both a Chili's and an Outback Steakhouse in their town. To clarify, both restaurants can't operate within the same city limits, so there can be one in the city and one in a suburb, but never both in the same place! (think zip codes)👍
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If a baby dies before it gets baptized it goes to hell. It's that simple.
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This is the dumbest thing I ever read. Are you 10 years old?
You know guys, the idea of Aretha Franklin and John McCain hanging out together in the Freshman section of heaven, kinda makes me smile.
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Why hasn't this come up in a single newspaper or talk show? I find it very odd...
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All the psychos complaining that small businesses are being destroyed need to STFU. You can get EVERYTHING you need at Walmart and Amazon so stop whining.
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