Every pilot. “Because I am a hero we have landed at our destination 45 mins early. I will hold for applause. But now we need to wait for the other planes to taxi in. Should only take about a two hours.”.

Today was second time getting into a physical fight at an airport in front of a group of black people who were on my side. If it happens again I get a grill.

RFK is into raw milks and now libs tryna act like they dont love it and haven’t been getting it illegally from the lesbian farm stand for years.

Snitches at @nytimes low key committing treason

My dog after she gets into the bathroom trash.

It just would have would have been really cool for your daughters to have a female president. Even just for a couple years. But yall greedy.

Huge win for hideous men with hot gfs.

Guy who thinks Manga is spelled maga.

Holy shit I just had the thought maybe I could run for president. Trump winning has made every idiot believe in themselves. This is not good.

So many moms are furious. So many children pretending to be upset to impress their moms.

Voting feels like when you pay for everything at Whole Foods. Cos playing as a civilized grown up for a day.

I add women to my dating apps and swipe no on all the hot ones just for revenge.

My hobbies?… I enjoy looking at babies as if they’ve done something offensively stupid and saying “grow up”.

Look. The country is divided right now. Between those who watch kill Tony and those who think it’s funny sometimes but can’t get into it because Tony’s mouth is so off putting.

The only way this is ok is if Trump comes out and its Gillis dressed as Trump and then the real Trump comes out but it’s not him it’s cake.

Women say men are scary but I’ve never had a man tell me “they wish they had my skin.”.

How do the people posting selfies with the filters giving them cat ears and nose not know that we know that they are likely pregnant and having a bad life.

even tho you are basically a stranger when you text me: “I got you” for a couple seconds I get filled with joy and think they you saying you will take care of me forever.

I’ve never played sports but somehow the best term to describe me is Goalie.

New game: Weak willed or Meek Milled?