Ben Rosen
@ben_rosen
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listen, there are responsible gun owners who just enjoying hunting and I want to make it clear that I don’t care at all and they can find literally any other hobby.
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FOUNDING FATHER: we must always have an electoral college and 2 senators per state. ME: ok but what if 40 million people live in california. FOUNDING FATHER (spits out tea prepared by a slave): there’s HOW many people in WHAT.
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i’m not worried about omicron because i got $1400 a year ago.
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YOUNG PEOPLE: heres some slightly different language you can use to be more inclusive. OLD PEOPLE: we are going to burn the entire earth to the ground.
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me (angrier than i’ve ever been in my entire life): no worries, all good!.
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being a moderator is a crazy job, just sitting and listening for a full minute and saying "thank you, but nobody is eating dogs".
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"the government has no business making me wear a mask" i say before i buckle my seatbelt, drive the speed limit to a restaurant built to code, eat food made in a state inspected kitchen, receive the heimlich maneuver from a waiter who learned it from a mandatory workplace poster,.
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extremely cool how teachers have to buy their own supplies and all cops get a captain america shield.
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me (too lazy to microwave something): i should support a struggling small business during these unprecedented times.
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we found the one thing that makes democrats believe in god and republicans believe in science.
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MARCH COMMERCIAL: during these uncertain times, we’re thinking of you and your family. AUGUST COMMERCIAL: look you might as well catch it at burger king.
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maybe jk rowling would have more empathy if she read a book about an unhappy boy who discovered who he really was and began to thrive once he entered a world where he could be himself.
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Welcome to 𝗡𝗘𝗪 𝗧𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗧𝗘𝗥. When you receive 𝟰𝟮𝟬 𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦 you will earn 𝟭 𝗠𝗨𝗦𝗞 𝗕𝗨𝗖𝗞. When you earn 𝟲𝟵 𝗠𝗨𝗦𝗞 𝗕𝗨𝗖𝗞𝗦 you can say 𝗔 𝗦𝗟𝗨𝗥.
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REPUBLICANS: i need an assault rifle in case the government ever tries to take away my rights. *secret military police start kidnapping people in portland*. REPUBLICANS: thank you so much!!!! love you guys!!!!!!.
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!. scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*.
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UNCLE: I say this every year but-. ME: not this again. MOM: we’re NOT talking politics this thanksgiving. UNCLE: without luigi there is no waluigi, therefore he is responsible for waluigi’s many sins. ME: ARE YOU SAYING WALUIGI HAS NO FREE WILL. UNCLE: I SAID WHAT I FUCKING SAID.
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hmm should I spend 2 seconds clicking unsubscribe or 1 second deleting an email from this company every single day for the rest of my life.
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gen z doesn’t understand that before the dominos pizza tracker you had literally no way of knowing the status of your dominos pizza.
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REPUBLICANS: who can be sure about what happened 36 years ago. ALSO REPUBLICANS: when the founding fathers put a comma in this sentence they meant we can have assault rifles.
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REPUBLICANS: we're having the military throw protesters in unmarked vans. DEMOCRATS: mark 👏 the 👏 vans 👏.
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if disney wanted to turn me gay they shouldn’t have given mrs incredible a big honkin christmas ham.
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INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume. ODYSSEUS: ok it’s actually a really long story.
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every race is like The Democrat has a narrow 50.1-49.9 lead over Republican challenger Gunch Hitler who ran on a platform of exploding everyone.
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Jerry is annoyed his girlfriend only washes her hands the length of the Kit Kat jingle. George accuses a co-worker with allergies of having “corona cough”. Elaine wants to break up with her boyfriend but he’s quarantined. Kramer starts making his own hand sanitizer in his bathtub.
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for father’s day they’re letting all the dads show up to the airport as early as they want. this guy next to me isn’t flying until thursday.
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wanna feel old? charlie from "charlie bit my finger" is now the reigning monarch of the united kingdom
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I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him….
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what is your biggest pet peeve?. tim walz: when someone’s going too darn slow in the left hand lane!. jd vance: the obsolete fallopian tubes of the postmenopausal female.
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it's become increasingly clear that jk rowling wrote harry potter by working backwards from wanting to call people mudbloods.
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ELON MUSK: what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about. 457k RTs 1.1M Likes. TOP COMMENT: how do you continue to absolutely win the internet good sir 🤣.
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JOHNNY CASH: and you can have it all. ME: yes holy shit yes. JOHNNY CASH: my empire of dirt . ME: no what the fuck.
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zoom needs a button that plays wrap it up music like at the oscars.
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moderator: what makes you relatable to the average voter. tim walz: well i like listening to music in my car. jd vance: the ridges of my skull are correct.
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it’s crazy that the two main weatherman responsibilities are. 1) standing in front of a green screen and reading the temperature.2) surviving a category 5 hurricane.
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BIGGEST TWIST ENDINGS. 3) fight club .2) the sixth sense.1) the song “row row row your boat”.
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*sisyphus on the phone with his parents* yeah i’m actually making a ton of progress with the boulder…no there’s not really like promotions…no yeah I can definitely ask.
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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez claims to hate capitalism and yet i count three capital letters in her very own name.
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every tiktok is like “have you heard of the saturday theory” and then it’s that people like to have fun on saturday.
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it’s funny that there’s a white football player on a midwestern team with an offensive name dating a blonde haired blue eyed country singer and republicans HATE them.
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me looking at twitter: this feels like the end of toy story 3 when all the toys accepted their deaths as they approached the incinerator. my wife: what the fuck are you talking about.
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STATLER: say miss piggy’s singing isn’t a half bad. WALDORF: yeah…it’s all bad!. *kermit starts climbing up to the balcony*.
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REPUBLICANS: *strip basic rights*. DEMOCRATS: *send an email with the subject line “uh oh” asking you to donate $15*.
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*loudly so all the women in my screening of the batman could hear* if my parents were brutally murdered in front of me as a child i would actually go to therapy.
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the best part of being a hitman has to be taking a shower where you place your hands on the wall and let the water run down your face while you ponder the moral ambiguity of your actions.
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fox news is right, i received $1400 once and decided to never work again. why? to ruin the economy of course.
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wife: I want a divorce. me: i think what you mean is you want marriage reform.
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe.
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ME: explain the gamestop thing to me like i'm a little kid. *10 minutes later*. ME: . littler.
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thank you to the editor who added a little photo of a toilet for clarity.
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when i take my kids to the movies I try to look up if there are any scary scenes but every parents guide is just “A main character is disrespectful to her mother. There are 3 scenes of woke.”.
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i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
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*waking up from a five year coma* please just tell me emily is on domestic soil.
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i asked my wife where she was going, she said “five nights at freddys.” i said have fun at the movie, she said “what movie?”
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early pixar: kids love toys, bugs, and monsters. later pixar: kids love reminders that they will die.
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biden entering the situation room in a nightgown and sleeping cap with a candle in a little pan because an emergency happened at 8:30pm.
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every picture of fetterman looks like he’s overhearing someone say johnny cash wrote “hurt”
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my wife brought me a lemonade. i said, let me guess, it's from panera. she said no, i poisoned it myself
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no one:. rfk jr: ok fine i’ll admit it. remember malaysia flight 370? well,.
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i tell ya, it’s not easy dating a minion. i said i love you, she said banana. i said will you marry me, she said banana. i took her to bed, she said shrimp
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inspector at the baby carrot factory: ok first of all these need to be MUCH wetter.
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