maybe like the tenth funniest thing about the Cowboys stadium but the jumbotron being but in the middle of the field makes it so the broadcast can always cut to one of their players looking like this 🙄 while their opponents are driving down the field.

RT @NateSilver538: It's probably foolish to think a NYC mayor will successfully translate into being a national political figure, but I sti….

showing this tweet to the police officer pulling me over for driving home after having fourteen coors lights.

yearning for the freedom of a bird taking flight and soaring through the air? Childish, if you ask me. A dolphin, rocketing toward the surface, breaching, experiencing a few moments of soaring bliss before returning to your home medium? Now we’re talking.

gave a kinda strange guy I know a ride somewhere tonight. At some point he referred to the traffic signal between red and green as the orange light.

put on some new scented facial moisturizer and had a moment where I thought it might smell too strong so took a couple steps back from the mirror to see if I could still smell it.

have an issue where my wallet has permanently stretched one pocket to the number of cards in it so I cannot remove useless cards or they start falling out, I can only replace old useless ones once I acquire new useful ones.

whenever I go to see a sport played in person it’s way more impressive than it comes across on the TV broadcast. Except baseball.

i’m striving to have the most median opinion on fertility (having kids).

ice cream stores should stock secondary jugs of flavors laced with arsenic for anyone who asks for a sample.

twitter is gonna remove blocking but replace it with a premium feature where you can click a button to SWAT that user.

(somberly) I should call her