It's awful that those other chipmunks force Alvin to wear an A on his sweater just because he's an adulterer.

Nothing beats kicking back with a cold beer after a long and productive day of doomscrolling.

Assembling a team to steal a baby hippo.

my brain at three a.m. trying to form the perfect comeback for a conversation that happened fifteen years ago.

RT @badbanana: I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

Everyone be extra nice to America today, this could be her final birthday. 🇺🇸.

when you’re finishing up in the self-checkout lane and the screen asks how much you want to tip

Fun drinking game for tonight’s presidential debate: start drinking now and pass out before the debate.

Been a rough day. At least it’s Friday.

I’ve been on Twitter since 2007. I know why.

Walked down to the river to reconnect with nature.

Me every Arbor Day

A solar eclipse makes me feel small and insignificant, like I’m not the center of the universe. Which is why I refused to look at it.

[bene gesserit voice] go long.

using the final olive garden breadstick to alert my server across the room that I need another basket

You know the ballpark nachos here hit different

My friend @TomWilsonUSA made a compelling and emotional movie about his experience playing Biff in "Back to the Future," and the impact it still has on him (and so many others) forty years later. 57 minutes, free on YouTube, definitely worth a watch.

[tracy chapman explaining how to become a lawyer] you gotta pass bar.

Muttering “wow, Shrek looks so real and sexy” while wearing old ski goggles on a bus.

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine’s Day. I am living in my own Saw movie.

The best part about living in the Midwest is getting to experience all four seasonal depressions.