Dan White
@atdanwhite
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This is why my roommates have to lock the door when they take a shower. ☠️
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My wife’s coworker Kevin is legit the best dude on the planet. Got us a $400 bottle of wine for our anniversary. (I didn’t like it but I’m not really a wine guy)
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Waited too long to do my Christmas shopping and now only Walgreens is open. Fuck it. Everyone’s getting a knee brace.
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I don’t know. you think the guys like my new swim trunks? 😎
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Screw The New York Times. I pay my buddy Luke $12.99 a month to text me every morning about the news he’s reading.
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Beta testing a new app called GUILT that automatically texts my wife “I love you” every time I open a private browser to look at porn on my computer.
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Love this. My buddy is nervous because his long-distance girlfriend asked him to send her a dick pic. This is what your crew is for.
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Love my Instant Pot. Makes cooking a breeze. Just tossed in an apple and a cup of water and in 25 minutes I had a really hot apple.
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Wearing this to Regal Cinema tonight then saying in my deepest voice possible “One ticket to Sing 2”.
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The 19-year-olds who attend my favorite university didn’t score enough touchdowns today so I’m in the basement, drinking until I fall asleep. My wife is crying, begging me to come upstairs & watch a Muppet Christmas Carol with my family. “I don’t care if I die tonight” I whisper.
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Perfect date. Perfect night. And then….ghosted. Welcome to dating in 2023.
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Puppy bowl just showed a chihuahua-German shepherd mix and, uh, I’ve got questions.
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Tried to use the Shutterfly mobile app to design my Christmas cards. Selected the wrong photo from my camera roll so now I have 90 of these.
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Whenever a magician tells me to “pick a card, any card.” I pull out my wallet and pick this one.
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Just lost my job as Social Media Manager and Digital Strategist for Blue Diamond Almonds. 😔 Let me know if you have any leads.
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Wow. Already got my stimulus. Amazing how quickly things get done when you have adults in charge. Don’t forget - not a single Republican voted for this.
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34-year-old on Twitter : “PAW Patrol is copaganda that reinforces America’s role as the global police force and indoctrinates a new generation of children into our collective military fetishization.”. 34-year-old not on Twitter : “We’re redoing our bathroom.”.
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Everyone saying it’s a bad time to buy a used car because they’re so expensive but my neighbor Chris just sold me his 2018 BMW for $500 and all I had to do was sign some forms saying I was with him all day on May 31st.
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Taught my dog this new trick where I yell “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” and he keeps barking as loud as he possibly can.
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Tip for my iPhone friends- if you think you may be addicted to social media (like me), you can go into your settings and see just how much battery (and time!) you’re draining on your social media apps. Beware, it ain’t pretty! 😳
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Honestly don’t even know why I try to fit in with the guys. 😔
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This is how you know you’ve officially “made it”. My hotel has a frickin’ soda stream.
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The 19-year-olds who attend my favorite university didn’t score enough touchdowns today so I’m blackout drunk in the garage while my son takes his first steps. My wife begs me to look over but I’m staring at our roof, wondering if the height could break my legs. “No.” I whisper.
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Finally got my fifteenth Pfizer and I can’t even describe how excited I am to grab a drink with friends! ❤️ #VaccinesWork
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My friend Mitch’s wife got drunk and let it slip that they haven’t made love in 3 years because he’s addicted to online pornography so tonight I surprised them with my famous baked beef rigatoni.
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Merry f’ing Christmas. My dad just read this note from “Santa” in front of our entire family.
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The 19-year-olds who attend my favorite university didn’t score enough touchdowns today so I’m blacked out, facedown in the driveway. My wife is crying, begging me to come inside & sing Happy Birthday to my son. “Please just reverse the Rav4” I whisper into the concrete.
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Millionaire rock star who is actively having sex with Megan Fox : “I represent people who are not cool.”.
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Screw “quiet quitting.” I texted my boss to let him know my commitment to the company.
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Wedding was perfect. My wife and I agreed that we could each pick one element of our ceremony that was important to us that the other couldn’t veto. She chose a live band ($3K) and I chose a military flyover from six F/A-18A Hornet fighter jets ($147K).
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3rd straight Thanksgiving where my brother interrupts grace to single me out in front of my whole family and says if I have to use the restroom, his house is “off limits” and I need to go to the gas station down the street. No one stands up for me. No one says, “that is wrong.”.
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Does anyone know how to get around Venmo’s character limit?
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Taught my dog this new trick where I yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and he keeps barking as loud as he can.
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Made my famous “Jalapeño Buffalo Dip” for my wife’s Sunday Wine Club. Yea, I’d say the gals enjoyed it 😎
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‘The Bear’ is very authentic except that the props department didn’t give Richie the biggest fucking Otterbox phone case you’ve ever seen.
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F this. I spent literally all morning making a football-shaped spread of my favorite apps and 20 minutes into my Super Bowl party all the guys are calling it my “cracker pussy”.
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@jadedparalegal Coworker* and he is and I am. When our cat died last year she stayed with him for 6 weeks because it was too painful to be home.
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Love this. My buddy is nervous because his long-distance girlfriend asked him to send her a dick pic. This is what your crew is for.
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My family said they wanted to be safe and do “Virtual Thanksgiving” this year. I guess this counts?
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Last minute Christmas shopping. Fuck it. Everyone’s getting a CPAP machine.
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So funny that this ad is not for the shirt. Nothing to do with the shirt. Shirt isn’t even mentioned. We’re just supposed to pretend that’s a normal shirt.
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The cheapest all beef hotdogs on AMAZON are $6! Independence Day has become Inflation Day in Joe Biden’s America. Not sure how we can afford to BBQ this year.
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I’m never “shocked” when a celebrity shows up randomly on SNL. Big whoop. They’re a celebrity. That’s literally what celebrities do. I was shocked when my neighbor Greg showed up randomly on Dateline b/c we‘re friends and I didn't know he was trafficking weapons illegally online.
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Happy Valentine’s Day to my soulmate, my best friend, and my “partner in crime” 😉. Every day I’m in awe of her kindness and grace. She’s made me a better man. This is one of my favorite photos of her (and her coworker David) I found on her phone. I love you, Melissa. ❤️
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