bandaids out now @Spotify https://t.co/X01JZu9fJL

Is it a…?

No, your child cannot sit at my bar. At all. First, it’s illegal. Second, a lot of people come to the bar specifically to get away from their kids, and they don’t want your screaming, kicking, noise-making child right next to them. #serverlife #bartenderlife

Dear all the customers: telling your bartender "why don't you just go ahead and pour a little more in there" but not expecting to pay more is the same as going to Best Buy and telling them to sell you a 70" TV for the same price as a 55". Shut up. #serverlife #bartenderlife

The Lie: "Restaurant week will be great for your company! It will bring in new clients and grow your brand!" The Truth: "RW is actually 1 month, will bring in only cheapskates who want 3-courses of your nice food at taco bell prices who won't tip or ever come back. #serverlife

Dear every customer ever: whatever joke you want to make about the menu, we’ve already heard it at least 1000x. It wasn’t funny the first time, sure isn’t now. It’s like singing “Sherri” to a lady with the same name. She’s heard it all the time, hates it and hates you.#serverlife

G: SIR! His FOOD came out before MINE-UH. He ordered AFTER me M: He got a salad G: So? M: U got a steak. Well done G: So? M: It takes time G: U need to make this right M: How?By changing the laws of chemistry? G: What does chemistry have to do with it? Me:🤦‍♂️

Yes, definitely yell at your bartender over the price of drinks. They have complete control over pricing. No one above them makes any decisions like that whatsoever. #serverlife #bartenderlife

There’s nothing like cutting fruit behind a bar to remind you of all the micro cuts you have on your hands. #serverlife #bartenderlife

I could have a 1000-seat bar with 999 open seats and 1 empty but dirty, un-bussed seat, and I bet you a week’s pay the next guest to walk in would sit at the dirty seat... #bartenderlife #serverlife

Not sure who needs to hear this but it’s a lot of you: tearing up your copy of the credit card receipt into a million little pieces for me to pick up literally prevents NOTHING. If I really wanted to do something shady with it, I can easily print another one. #serverlife

Asking the bartender for drinks after last call & saying “It’s just 1 drink. It only takes a sec to make.” is, above all, a dick move. Also, it’s not about how long the drink takes to make; it’s about your drunk a** taking another hour to drink it. We want to go home. #serverlife

Who wants to tell guests that tearing up the second credit card receipt into millions of little pieces doesn’t prevent anyone from scamming you. If staff wants to commit fraud & risk their job over a few extra dollars in tips, they’ll just print another cc receipt. 🤦🏼‍♂️#serverlife

Them: I don’t want a sweet drink. Me: Ok, then I would go with- Them: (interrupting) I’ll take the berry kombucha mojito. Me: That’s one of our sweeter drinks. Them: But it sounds so gooood. Me: 😒 Them: This drink is too sweet. Can you make me something else? #serverlife #FML

Restaurant workers had a min wage of $2.13 plus tips in 1991. Restaurant workers have a min wage of $2.13 plus tips today. In 1991, average rent was $600 a month. Now it's $1,600. I don't know, but this might be part of the explanation for why restaurants can't find workers.

If I could find my customers’ workplaces, I’d wait near their cubicles until they’ve been working 8 hrs straight, their boss just chewed them out & they’re drowning in emails & calls. At that moment I’d just lean in & say, “You know, you really should smile more.” #serverlife

As the country’s reopening, I realize it’s been over a year since I bartended. So I’ve been prepping by standing while shoving an entire meal down in 2 bites, not sitting down for 8hrs w/ only 1 bathroom break, & having my gf angrily scream at me constantly. #serverlife

CDC: If you’re vaccinated, no mask outside. Them: It’s not ok for you to ask me for my vaccination card. We just have to trust people will be honest about it. Every bartender, while picturing every ill-behaved “service” dog in their restaurant: 🤬 #serverlife #bartenderlife

My super came asking for rent so I gave him the following list: “you’re the best bartender!” “It was perfect!” “Best drink ever!” He seemed confused so I told him if people feel ok to tip me with compliments, it must have currency and so that’s how I’m paying my rent #serverlife

Covid has really given me a lot of time to think and reflect on life as a bartender: the regulars, the cocktails, the Karens, the VIP suits and goddamnit I don’t miss a single thing about bartending other than the check. #serverlife #bartenderlife #COVID19