Designer: I don't know, guys. I think this design REALLY looks like a- Corporate bigwig: Just do it, Melissa! We don't pay you to think.

In 2017, I paid Cards Against Humanity to protect a pristine plot of border land from Trump’s racist wall. But then an even richer, more racist billionaire—Elon Musk—stole my land and dumped his shit all over it. @ElonMusk owes me $100. #ElonOwesMe100Bucks

[GB Live] Zoom65 V3 E-White🏖 Offical Web: https://t.co/YeXeYgtTBi [Vendors List] -US @CannonKeys @MKeyboards @keebsforall DangKeebs: https://t.co/vZvyzZqddz TINYStore -CA https://t.co/cJRy1V32mj:https://t.co/9r1trBRd7E @deskhero_ca

Today I watched my son’s soul leave his body as I sang ‘Glory of Love’ loudly in the grocery store while using a can of Annie’s Star Soup as a microphone.

Not sure why I suggested watching Onward with my boys when I know damn well that the end levels me.

Hey @Jon_Favreau and @Rodriguez! If you need an older version of @Tem_Morrison to play #BobaFett for #TheBookOfBobaFett my father is available!

Just occurred in our house… Me: Okay, I’m heading upstairs for an ol’ ‘shit, shower, and shave.’ 6-year-old son: The old shit, shower- Me: No! Don’t repeat what I say! 6-year-old son: Why? Me: Because you don’t shave.

My 6-year-old’s favorite song is “Ice, Ice Baby” playing out of a novelty snowman.

The best part of having to wear masks to concerts is that the younger people can’t see you yawning.

Me: Man, Facebook is pretty evil. I should delete my account. Every website I enjoy: Join our new Facebook group for free shit!

My love language is fart sounds.

“Dad, I caught a cockroach. And I killed it. And put it in the garbage can. But it’s not dead.”

Surely I’m not the only person in this studio painting their pottery with a Boba Fett theme.

Holy crap that brings back some memories.

The latest knock-knock joke from my 5-year-old son: Son: Knock knock. Me: Who’s there? Son: Vomit. Me: ...Vomit who? Son: I vomit on your head, crybaby.

Waiting on that “Re-Armored” @bobafettfanclub logo with @ingoadwetrust art like:

Please understand that any time someone is talking to me and I don’t steer the conversation towards Boba Fett in The Mandalorian, I am using an incredible amount of self-control.

Guys, remember when Trump caught Covid and we all hoped he would die? That feels like 100 years ago.

I discovered that when you’re peeling potatoes the movement makes your Apple Watch think your washing your hands. So now it’s become a fun game to see if I can peel a potato in less than 20 seconds. #lifehack

In 2020 every time I see someone post a picture of their pet I instantly assume it’s because they had to put it to sleep.

“You like this kite? Only $14.99 at Costco!”