William Angus
@WillAngus_
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My wife keeps losing her wedding ring at the bar lol! She’d lose her damn head if it wasn’t screwed on 🤣🤣🤣
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Just executed a flawless Clog & Jog
(Clog toilet -> demand a different hotel room)
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Had to rush my dog to the vet this morning.
I don’t know what’s wrong with her but her poop tastes really weird
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My email with my full name that I’ve had since 13 is unusable. It is a rotting carcass filled with maggots. 100 emails a day about god knows what. Someone from Iran logs into it once a week and changes the password. It’s time to pull the plug
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Business Idea: A bar of soap that’s 7x bigger than a normal bar so you only have to wash your hands once a week
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To the people that think it’s “hilarious” to piss and poop all over the toilet seats at the bar: guys like me have to wipe up with our bare hands and rub it on our tummies. Grow up.
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I’m gonna be the uncle that asks to hold the new born baby and they say “uhhh she’s actually really tired right now”
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Oh I was a “burden to my family,” huh?
Ok hot shot, then why did my parents say if it wasn’t for me they would’ve gotten divorced way sooner?
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After pissing in my friend’s backyard:
“Yo where’s your febreeze?”
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Cops in horror movies are useless
Woman: please officer help
Cop: it’s probably just old pipes in your house ma’am
Woman: my daughter was skinned alive in her room
Cop: probably a draft from the open window. Ma’am, don’t call again unless you’re in real danger
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