hol' up!

my desk is a good pawrest. i am, too.

entertaining people ask me what they need to succeed at streaming; so i tell them what they need. then they ask me how. easy answers: invest money, know people, have specialized skills. hard answer: be creative with what you can do. the hard way fulfills you. trust me.

i saw this going around for the us, so thought i'd try it on for size in canada.

good morning.

deez.

there are friends i love. there are friends i love beyond simple cherishment; they know and knew my feelings. i just wish it didn't hurt so much not to say.

i'm just locked behind being scared that i will lose the last of the people i cherish because i did something wrong. life is full of tradeoffs, but when i can't afford much else, i truly can't afford to lose my heart.

i know that in all, it really did matter that i lost someone. and even this last week, i realized how much it still hurts when i can't be there for everyone albeit maybe not known long.

but even now, i am scared to do some things i once loved. maybe some vrchat to hang with friends. maybe go and hit the town just to show i'm still alive on the inside. but every time i'm reminded of the event that broke it all.

thank you saber, for being there, being square, and surrounding me with people who i might be able to slowly readjust with. i'm shattered, but i really appreciate everything you've done.

i can pin up all the people who make me feel stable and maybe even fakely make me feel like i belong. i keep people close even knowing that they might not reciprocate. some of them do, however.

but it keeps coming back to me. everything is a tradeoff. i can put months of effort into finding work. maybe i found something that doesn't pay, but can help, but maybe i've lost my soul to it. at the end of the day, the red doesn't care, choosing to grow.

all around me, i see friends moving up, moving over, moving on. but yeah, this last two years have just crept into my mind like it's always been their home.

streaming is fun, it will always be there for me to come back to after a long night. i just really really need it not to be part of my financial existence.

streaming became something i had to make my work. i had to make ends meet. maybe the job market was bad, maybe i was failing extraordinarily. regardless, the debt had stacked up, and i really had no clue where to go from there.

at some point in 2024. i really don't know when it happened, i really wish i knew how it happened. but that shard was forced to merge with the one hobby i had left, maybe the one thing that i felt joy doing without any fear of failure.

in the world of contracts, i had so many opportunities. most of them were valuable lessons. but i had a hard lesson about keeping the blade of that shard away from my friends. i lost another part of myself then, and felt more isolated still.

around that time, i had just moved on from my previous job and started working on independent contracting to pay things off. work is just a shard of your life you hide from your friends because it might cut them as hard as it cuts you.

everything is a tradeoff: streaming is a way to open your heart, share a little bit of love, share a little bit of you. but it opens the door to so much malice, misconception, betrayal, and hate. i took a break because i was scared of the darker side.

but we had the cost of realizing how fragile my social standing was in the greater community of people i had found a home in.