Vitt
@vitt2tsnoc
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32,709
Following
6,513
Media
8,315
Statuses
79,966
Sorceress of the alphabet. Casting spells on copy. Book lover. Talking clock auditionee. Personable. Charming. Own many quills. Will write for cash or custard.
Joined May 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Princess Margaret's morning routine is something I aspire to.
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A nice Christmas story. I was on a train with a hen do. The bride had cancer. All her hens turned up wearing crazy wigs. They popped a bottle of prosecco, and while toasting the bride, all took off their wigs and every one of them had shaved their heads. Merry Christmas.
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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So today we’re flying in Romanians to pick our crops. Question for Brexiters. Why the fuck aren’t you picking the crops, please?
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I really don't understand "I could never ever vote Labour, I just CAN'T" without a second's thought or consideration. What was it about 1997-2010 that was so unbearable? Seeing a GP? Having a dentist? Minimum wage? A good welfare system? Schools being built? Kids being fed? What?
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It astounds me to hear "well I could never ever vote Labour it would be absolutely disastrous" without a second's thought. What was it about 1997-2010 that was so unbearable for you? Seeing a GP? Getting a filling? Decent welfare system? Schools being built? Well fed kids? What?
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The French gave their nurses a 10% pay rise. They also gave immigrant key workers French citizenship as a thank you for their work during a pandemic. Meanwhile, we did some clapping, and Boris Johnson used a nurse for a photo shoot, who is now so disillusioned she actually quit.
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REMINDER TO CLARKSON FANS. He's not being "cancelled". He is being held ACCOUNTABLE for the awful, misogynistic, violent things he put in the country's biggest newspaper.
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It's not the fault of immigrants, or GPs, or teachers, or Labour, or France. It's not the fault of war, or poor people, or footballers. It's not the fault of the BBC, or woke celebs or the EU. If life is shitty in the UK, it's the fault of 12 years of Tory rule. That's it.
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The EU didn’t float
#Brexit
, hold a referendum on Brexit, implement Brexit, delay Brexit, and they’re not happy about Brexit. They asked us NOT to do Brexit, then gave us more time to fix Brexit, then accepted our Brexit, and mainly feel very sad about Brexit. Don’t blame the EU.
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Stephen Bear deserves jail time. But also extra jail time, maybe three years extra, for turning up to court in a rented Rolls Royce, wearing a fur coat, carrying a cane, lapping up attention, bragging about who he's slept with & making a mockery over what is, a very serious case.
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This is the funniest thing I've seen all year. Martin Roberts' piano concerto, "Why Did You Want To Buy This Place?"
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Michelle Mone skimmed TWENTY NINE MILLION POUNDS off of a contract for useless PPE. SKIMMED IT. When Tories tell you there's no money, it's lies. There's no money for you because THEY HAVE TAKEN ALL THE MONEY and are sitting on it while the country crumbles.
#ToryCriminals
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I've just been asked to take this down by my Brexit neighbours, who think it's pro-Europe. I have no words.
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Boris Johnson is flying back from Mustique today. No rush mate! It's no biggie. Just an actual fucking lunatic has dragged us into a potential war, and oh, the world is on fire, but we wouldn't want to trouble you. Take your time. Pick up some Toblerone.
#Marr
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I can not believe I have to say this. This post was a JOKE. It was not an invite to DM me telling me WHY men don’t want to date me. Men. Please, PLEASE, stop.
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800 workers sacked with no notice, in the cruellest possible way. Before Brexit, they were protected from this by EU employment law. Is the penny dropping yet? There are no benefits to
#Brexit
. Exactly the same could happen to any one of you working in the UK tomorrow.
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So just to put things in perspective. This government is so STUPID, they wasted ONE HUNDRED MILLION POUNDS on advertising Brexit that isn't happening. And it could have gone to the NHS. Now. Imagine Labour did that. Just IMAGINE.
#Flextension
#BrexitExtension
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I find it pretty rich that my laptop, a machine, keeps asking me to prove that I'M not a robot.
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I am seriously considering fucking off to Europe for a bit. I’m mentally exhausted, I’ve a bunch of money in my pocket, I’m 36 on Tuesday, what is stopping me?
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LEVELS OF FAME
- being on Graham Norton singing
- being on Graham Norton sofa, interviewed
- being on Graham Norton sofa AND opening the show with just your name
- winning an Oscar
- being on Graham Norton sofa but coming on halfway through show and make everyone shove up.
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The front page of Daily Mail today claiming the average Brit gets more off the state than what they pay in tax. This is quite blatant, clear, and nasty gaslighting from Tories, who want you to stop talking about THEIR tax affairs. We're NOT all the same. They're corrupt.
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MORNING. Today marks 14 years since Brian Harvey ran himself over after eating four tuna mayo jacket potatoes. NEVER FORGET.
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You don’t have to like or support Jeremy Corbyn. But anyone still peddling lines and rhetoric like “terrorist” and “danger to Britain”, know this: you’re wrong, and you look pathetic. You’re repeating crap without looking into it. And I won’t debate with that level of stupid.
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Morning. It's been 12 years since Brian Harvey ran himself over after eating too many jacket potatoes. NEVER FORGET.
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I moved to the UK 19 years ago this very week. I had no degree, no boyfriend, no financial stability, and no sense of responsibility. I now have a degree.
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Let's cancel Brexit, get Trump impeached all before Christmas. Then let's sit down, have a lovely cup of tea and a mice pie, and let's start talking about the real issues, being: NHS, social care, schools, uni fees, housing, police cuts and bringing back Woolworths.
#BrexitVote
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Piers Morgan is bursting veins over Stormzy calling Boris Johnson 'a bad man'. Well. If your definition of 'a bad man' is a liar and a cheat, with no moral compass, no values and no principles, then Stormzy's on the money. And pissing off Piers Morgan is simply a Christmas bonus.
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13 Years of Tory:
EU membership: Fucked
Police & Fire Service: Fucked
NHS: Fucked
Protesting: Fucked
Education: Fucked
Welfare: Fucked
Housing: Fucked
Social care: Fucked
Energy: Fucked
Pensions: Fucked
Civil Service: Fucked
Agriculture: Fucked
Waters: Fucked
The future: Fucked
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Why does Katie Hopkins have to be deported back to the UK. There are literally 100s of countries closer that she could be sent to.
#katiehopkins
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Food shop this morning. Can't get lemons, chillis, parsley, spring onions, aubergines, cumin, almonds, bottled water, beans, feta, haloumi, basil, soy sauce and risotto rice. Meanwhile, Dad's in Belgium, no issue, Mum in Italy, no issues.
WHAT COULD THIS BE?
#BrexitFoodShortages
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Poland has taken in almost 800,000 Ukrainian refugees. Romania has taken a quarter of a million. This week, the UK refused 150 Ukrainians entry from Calais. So yes. The French are right to accuse the UK of a lack of humanity. We're shameful.
#Ukraine
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Councils in Devon (who voted overwhelmingly Leave) have written to Home Secretary to ask if the government can put a waver in place to allow EU drivers to be considered for HGV driver jobs, because they have noone to collect their bins. You can not write this shit.
#BrexitReality
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Seriously people like this make me crazy. There are fires ripping through an entire country. You HAVE a home to go back to. People have lost homes, businesses... "I want a refund and explanation" ... Give it a hot minute, for the love of God, Karen PLEASE.
#Wildfires
#Greece
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Stalking my ex, got called into a 5 hour meeting, came out & realised I didn't search him, I updated my status. With JUST HIS NAME. ALL DAY.
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Hannah Waddingham hasn't just understood the assignment, she IS the assignment. She is Eurovision personified, whoever suggested her for this needs to be knighted.
#Eurovision
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THREAD because this is really really important to remember when all of this is done, and we go to the polls again. We must not make the same mistakes of the past 10 years. Let’s be really clear how the Conservatives have gambled with your lives to save money and keep votes.
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BREAKING. Home Secretary Suella Braverman's plan to tackle migrant crossings leaked.
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McDonalds UK have run out of milkshakes. ONLY McDonalds UK. Every other country has no issues with their supply chains. Northern Ireland is alright. WHAT could it be? NO MILKSHAKES IN ANY RESTAURANT.
#BrexitReality
#BrexitFoodShortages
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Says the woman shutting down libraries.
A love of reading is one of the greatest gifts we can give children. Make sure you take ten minutes a day to
#shareastory
with your child.
#WorldBookDay
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Sarah Vine and Julia Hartley-Brewer most likely have a ladies’ book club where they don’t read the book, they just meet up to drink wine and get irrationally angry at anyone born after 1985. Sometime Katie Hopkins joins them as a guest appearance, and brings them jam.
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Costa, McDonalds, Iceland, Tesco, Greggs, Sainsburys, Asda, KFC, Morissons, Nando's, Subway and Co-op all experiencing food shortages. But sure. Brexit is GREAT for business.
#BrexitFoodShortages
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So sorry to hear about Prince Andrew’s sudden heart attack next month.
#PrinceAndrewInterview
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I was unemployed and broke and just out of uni, I had a HORRIBLE boyfriend who smashed my laptop. The library was a sanctuary. I did my CV there, with help. Got my first job. And I was warm and safe with books all around me for comfort. Libraries are much more than book lenders.
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If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? Mine's Jim Davidson, and he'd be dead.
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So they can’t use
#SussexRoyal
, fine. The best way to REALLY get their own back on the Royal Family now is for Harry to take his mother’s maiden name. And a new brand is born. MARKLE AND SPENCER.
#HarryandMeghan
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Apparently until 1998, Boris COULD have lawfully been EXECUTED as a result of breaking this law.
Luckily, the European Court of Human Rights saved him from that.
#BorisLiedToTheQueen
#SupremeCourt
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For the first time in my LIFE, I’ve felt so harassed I’ve removed my tweet about liking Sir Keir Starmer. I’m absolutelt disgusted with actual adults insulting me as vile as that. You should be ashamed. Twitter really has lost its kindness, and I don’t want to be here.
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At uni we were drunk and a bloke asked me to do a “if we’re both still single at 30” deals and I was all “LOL nah I can do better” and now he owns Netflix or something and I’m 35, sat here on the floor, shattered, eating trifle, single, cursing arrogant 19 year old Drunk Vitt.
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As the shops reopen, here’s your friendly reminder NOT to shop in Sports Direct after Mike Ashley put his staff’s lives at risk by refusing to close, and then making them work in empty stores. Do NOT shop in Sports Direct today.
#SportsDirect
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The best moment of my life. Meet Sir David Attenborough, he saw my name was Italian, asked if I was Italian, I said yes, he said where from, I said Tuscany and then he just raised his arms and said “EEHHHH” like an Italian, so I did too. What a great day.
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MORNING. Today marks 15 years since Brian Harvey ran himself over after eating three giant tuna mayo jacket potatoes. NEVER FORGET.
Happy Brian Harvey day!
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If you're angry about your kids missing a day's school today as teachers strike, please remember this outrage on May 8th when they're off school to celebrate a man they don't know becoming an unelected head of state, at your expense.
#TeacherStrike
#SupportTheStrikes
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"I hope the cake lady got the exposure she was craving. Utterly bizarre" is an exceptionally bad response from Catherine Tyldesley.
She was emailed & responded. That's not craving exposure. She did not initiate this. She exposed an unreasonable request.
#ThreeLittleBirdsBakery
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It's not the fault of immigrants, or Labour, or the EU. It's not the fault of benefit claimants or GPs, or teachers, or France, or war, or footballers. It's not the fault of the BBC, or woke celebs. This mess of a country is the fault of 12 years of Tory rule. That's it.
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I am allowed to respect and support both Corbyn and Starmer. I’m behind getting the Tories out. The infighting caused by the far left is setting us back years. They would rather Labour fail under Starmer than defeat Boris Johnson. It’s ridiculous and pathetic, get a grip.
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You can guarantee that if one of the
#BLM
protestors had urinated BESIDE a plaque, Julia Hartley-Brewer wouldn’t be defending them.
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John Terry: mocked Americans after 9/11, slept with mate’s wife, charged fans £10,000 for tours of Chelsea's training ground, was caught on CCTV urinating in a pint glass, and screamed racist abuse to
#AntonFerdinand
, and somehow football accounts are still defending him. Please.
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There is no adult over the age of 30 who doesn’t remember exactly where they were on this day in 1997. We’re all in it together.
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Grant Shapps very quick to point out Italy is OK and an open travel corridor so I’m now 100% sure that last week, while infections rose, our Prime Minister flew to Perugia, Italy for 3 days. Then outright denied it.
Unrelated, his Russian mate Lebedev lives in oh. Perugia.
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A man grabbed me between the legs on a high street. He hid in a shed until the police found him. He denied it. The police didn't check CCTV. His DNA was on my clothes. His friend was a witness. Absolutely nothing happened to him. Women don't come forward because there no point.
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Niece: what does “AD” stand for?
Me. ........... After dinosaurs.
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In 24 hours I've been called ugly, a whore, an ugly whore, a liar, a fantasist, hysterical, hormonal, told I'm "perioding all over the place" and I've been threatened. So have my followers. And EVERY SINGLE comment was from
@_DHOTYA
followers and replies. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
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Hahahahaha Americans on my train just asked what carriage “dining” was in. This is South West Rail, mate, not the Orient Express. You can wait for the trolly, and grab a Twix and a cup of tea, and expect to pay about one hundred pounds for it.
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Reminder that Jimmy Savile was a Conservative who campaigned and voted for Conservatives, and was knighted by a Conservative, after Conservatives, despite being told of his lurid behaviours, continued to lobby to make him a knight of the realm.
#JimmySavile
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Anyway. He’s been there a couple of weeks. My sister has gone home to our childhood home
@for
Christmas. And she’s just sent me this.
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Michael Gove is literally lying to Andrew
#Marr
right now about the “confusion” that led to us NOT joining in with the EU procurement scheme. Read this thread. This is what happened. He is literally lying, in a pandemic, to keep his power. Absolutely despicable.
THREAD because this is really really important to remember when all of this is done, and we go to the polls again. We must not make the same mistakes of the past 10 years. Let’s be really clear how the Conservatives have gambled with your lives to save money and keep votes.
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"All households broke the rules"
No. They didn't. Most of us saw bodies piling up in Italy and thought "fuck this is serious" and we queued for shopping, saw nobody, waved at windows, celebrated alone, worked at home, wore masks, died alone. We followed the rules.
#SueGrayReport
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Anti-vaccine people. YES it is your right to refuse the vaccine. And it’s our right to refuse YOU. Into pubs, cinemas, matches, holidays, gyms, restaurants, nightclubs, supermarkets, shops, I can go on. And when we do refuse you, take it in the same spirit.
#VaccinePassports
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Here are Brexiters jeering and mocking the EU. And in contrast, here’s Brussels, main square lit up in Union Jacks, to say goodbye to us. Who’s the bigger person? Who’s got class? Who’s been graceful? It’s certainly not us.
#BrexitDay
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New job update. It’s so cute here, they even name all the foods in the fridge! I’ve just eaten a yoghurt called “Iain”.
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"Boris Johnson has been investigated by every organisation he's ever been part of."
Again, Starmer isn't lying.
#PMQs
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MORNING. Today is 16 years since Brian Harvey ran himself over after eating too many jacket potatoes. NEVER FORGET.
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"How dare you, how DARE you" shouts woman in Question Time audience, and rightly so. James Cleverly trying to 'sell' the Tories and what good they've done, while not answering the question, is genuinely sickening. This is absolutely PATHETIC.
#BBCQT
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Imagine Diane Abbott had an affair, and gave her lover over £100,000 of tax-payers' money, and then denied it, over and over again. JUST IMAGINE IT. There were more headlines over her train mojito than this blatant, brazen corruption. She'd have been annihilated.
#BorisAffair
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@Rob_K82
@Cheekiestheart
@harrybarker0
@doctor_oxford
Jesus just stop talking. Seriously. Stop. Time and a place.
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We have the highest death toll in Europe. We have the second highest death toll in the world. And this is our media’s reaction. I am beyond appalled.
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Gavin Williamson announces additional 300,000 laptops for children learning at home. If the lunches are anything to go by, kids should receive their Etch a Sketch by December.
#homeschooling
#foodparcels
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Fuck it. I honestly don't think I've ever despised anyone as much as I despise Nigel Farage... not since Karl Kennedy cheated on Susan with his receptionist, anyway. And I’m so MAD at people believing this croc of shit! So here’s what I think of Nigel Farage.
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I see many comments about Meghan and Harry holding hands. One woman finds it disgusting. How dare they. How disrespectful. Etc etc.
I'm yet to see one comment about this:
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My Dad is a bit older (74) and didn't really "get" my mental health issues. "Over-sensitive" came up. Anyway. I borrowed his iPad, and in the history he'd been Googling "anxiety", and how to support kids with anxiety, and honestly, that's enough AND everything to me.
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