Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied,…
The old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules,…
British Army Humour
An innocent typo was made and all parties involved have gotten as much enjoyment as they could out of it!
Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from…
Not my words, but the words of a British soldier from Ulster in regard to HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.
The litany of abuse and inhumanity I have seen aimed at a man who devoted his life to public service of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth has irked me beyond…
Did you know? ⚓️ 🚢
🧵 1/7. The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John DS. Phillips, the result.
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex…
“A Powerful Lesson”
@RJH_397
👍🏻
🧵 1/6. This is a powerful lesson…
A high school class is learning about the Salem Witch Trials. Their teacher told them they were going to play a game.
A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
Everybody got off the plane…
Just come back from Asda. There was a group of teenagers outside like "excuse me Mr will you get us 20 Richmond, please, they wont serve us!" So I agreed to do it anyway, thinking thats my good deed done for the day.
Anyway Ive gone in and got them and when I handed them over…
6/7. The date in the forward part of the ship was January 1, 1900.
The ship was therefore concurrently in:
two different days,
two different months,
two different years,
two different seasons
and in two different centuries.
🧵1/11. The reason we wear a poppy; 🌺
On November 7th, 1920, in strictest secrecy, four unidentified British bodies were exhumed from temporary battlefield cemeteries at Ypres, Arras, the Aisne and the Somme.
None of the soldiers who did the digging were told why.
A young Guardsman 💂♂️ is on the gate at Buckingham palace.
The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman…
6/6. Don’t allow fear to cloud your decisions. Use your own discernment. Trust your heart…and your gut.
The best teachers will show you where to look, but they won’t tell you what to see.
~Unknown
42 years on from being sent to find these, the holy grail of tasks!! My mission is complete having finally found these b*stards… Never Give Up, Never Give In, No Surrender… 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻😉🤣🤣🤣
Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said, "We had no option…
Military History - WWII - Japanese POWs.
Allied Soldiers, possibly Australian 🇦🇺 after their release from Japanese captivity in Singapore, 1945. 🌺 Lest we forget.
World War II soldier's remains found in Normandy. 🙏🙏🙏
A man has been told human remains found in France are those of his tank driver father killed in World War II.
Guardsman David Blyth, 25, was posted as missing in action during the Battle of Normandy, which followed D-Day,…
Gerry Adams, The Bookkeeper and the missing £10,000,000
Gerry Adams finds out the IRA bookkeeper of 20 years, Mickey, has cheated him out of £10 million. Mickey is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
Gerry assumed that since Mickey could not hear anything, he…
Sorry to hear of the death of the last surviving founder member of the Special Air Service (SAS). Maj (Retd) Mike Sadler MC, MM, was included in the new TV programme “SAS Rogue Heroes”.💪
Mike enlisted in September 1939 in the Rhodesian Forces. He saw active service as a Gunner…
GLORIOUS INSULTS
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: " Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir , " said…
44 years ago today 8000 (possibly more) members of the SAS stormed the Iranian Embassy in London. Over the years I've been fortunate to have been stood at various bars with at least 6000 of them. 😁😁
Picture of the day 🙏🙏🙏👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻BZ⚓️
🧵 1/2. This photo was sent in to us on Anzac Day of a Navy rating purchasing lunch for a homeless man and sitting down to eat with him.
5/6. “Was anyone in Salem an actual witch? Or did everyone just believe what they'd been told?"
And that is how you show kids how easy it is to divide a Community.
Shunning, scapegoating, placing blame and dividing will each destroy far more than they will protect.
40 gypsies arrived at heaven's gates.
St. Peter said "we've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in".
Five minutes later St. Peter says to God,
"They've gone".
God says, “What, all 40 of them!?"
St. Peter says, "No... the fucking gates!"
😁😁
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on…
This one is for
@chinnychick
👇🏻😉
Ken and his wife Edna went to the RAF Cosford Air Show every year,
And every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that Chinook helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that Chinook helicopter ride is £50,
And £50 is £50'…
An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”
“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have…
A group of Royal Marines were out a yomp when they saw a girl about to jump off the Tamar Bridge . So they stopped to see if they could help rescue her.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 33, stops with his buddies, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who…
Military History - Nails 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻 🇺🇸
Retired Chief Petty Officer David Goggins is the only person to ever complete US Army Ranger School, US Air Force Tactical Control Party Training, and US Navy Seal Training. Individually, each of these training programs are nearly impossible…
We hope that RAF veteran Ed Kelly had a wonderful 100th birthday!🎉
Ed served in the RAF for 41 years. He flew with 524, 86 and 44 Squadrons flying Wellingtons, Liberators, Lancasters, Lincolns and Canberra's as a navigator. His career spanned World War II, the Berlin Airlift,…
Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition.
When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…
“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my mate wondered…
Ordering a Pizza in 2024
CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My…
☘️ Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the…
Well done Joshua, your school must be as proud of you as us veterans are. 🙏🙏🙏
Just have to share this folks 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Powerful.. Joshua Dyer (aged 14) was tasked at school to write a poem for Remembrance Day. An hour later (without any help) he produced this..
ONE…
The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Tax Office.
The Taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Accountant.
The Taxman said, ‘Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win…
Worst TV walt beret of the year (so far) goes to the RMP staffy in Netflix “fool me once” . The AirCorps ones in episode 1 were pretty f**king speshal too.
@netflix
Do you ever employ someone who actually served on how to wear/shape military headdress??? What an abomination of…
TO ALL YOU EX FORCES
‘Swearing At Work’
Dear Staff,
It has been brought to the Managing Director's attention that some ex-servicemen throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their civilian work colleagues.
Due to…
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced Garda officer waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer.
“Tell me! Did…
Copied from a shipmate.
Time for a rant.
I don't like it when I see unfair and untrue sensationalised headlines. Ie. 'Royal Navy submarine fails in missile firing.'
Let's get some facts straight. Vanguard is a BRITISH submarine firing an AMERICAN missile. In order to fire a…
What a beautiful and fitting gesture 🥺
Very Rare the Kings Guards move position for almost anybody! , The young Guard Spotted A Veteran and his Wife and moved in closer for their photograph.
God bless all in service , past and present, without their sacrifice we would be truly…
5/7. The consequences of this bizarre position were many:
The bow of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.
The stern was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.
The date in the aft part of the ship was December 31, 1899.
Military History - WWII - Royal Air Force
Steenbergen, Netherlands. A fence post in the middle of an industrial estate with a small plaque. Look closely at the wording ....
Source: Mike Fuller FB
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo, Mr. Macron !” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,”…
A Nottingham woman (pictured here) has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today, after she tried to sue "NUH Queens Medical Centre" after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.
Mrs Minger of Bulwell aged 67 said to…
Well, I have just muted Tina Adams and Marge Reynolds from my “X” followers because they keep ranting on how the Falklands are not British, and now they are upset because I have muted them.
Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina.🤣🤣🤣🤣
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"…
Twelve of the finest (Unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes…
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about…
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose…
Military History - OTD - RN ⚓️ - 🙏🙏🌺Lest We Forget🌺
13 January 2018 Cdr Richard Tadeusz Jolly OBE, naval surgeon died at Torpoint age 71. Born in Hong Kong on 29 October 1946, Jolly was educated at Stonyhurst College, Lancashire, and qualified as a doctor from St…
A retired RAF engineer and his wife moved to a new town, and he found a pub to drink in.
The first night in there, he bought three pints, and sat at a table in the corner. He sipped from each pint in turn, until he'd finished them.
After he'd finished them he went back to the…
Bring back Recruiting Offices! Recruiting Teams that travel around different cities like they used to! Potential recruits want to ask real soldiers questions, face to face, get the feel that I want to be that soldier, matelot, royal marine or aviator!! Not a bloody civvy who get…
The
@BritishArmy
has recruited only around half of its annual target of soldiers
Recruitment firm Capita had been targeting a total of 9,813 recruits for this year, however the firm has only attracted around 5,000 since April last year
Read more 👇
Okay this is for the non military who are asking ‘what to look for?’ Harold’s weapon is shown with a BFA (Blank Firing Attachment) fitted to the muzzle (that’s the pointy end where the round comes out 👍🏻) A round is a bullet 👍🏻 🤣. However a BFA is used during training not Ops!
Military History - 1 October 1993 - Royal Irish 🇬🇧☘️
In October 1993, Private Daphne Rea, a 'Greenfinch' from the 8th (County Tyrone and County Armagh) Battalion, made British military history when she became the first ever female soldier to complete the Basic Infantry and…
Happy 102nd birthday to RAF veteran Pauline Penrose!🎉🎂
Pauline worked for the RAF as a plotter during World War II. She was tasked with tracking enemy aircraft approaching the British coast so the RAF could be scrambled to attack them.
In celebration of her special day,…