Twobold
@Twobold_
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10,732
Following
308
Media
446
Statuses
2,698
| Twitch Partner | I stream video games, write cursed poems, and only slow cook my food. Nice to meet you. business email - cjmoncada22 @gmail .com
Joined September 2016
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I am a gamer this is what I've learned about games:
Valorant = E-daters paradise
Apex = Whatever the opposite of Valorant is
Overwatch = An addiction
Dead by Daylight = Thirst trap but for Monsters
Genshin = Gambling but legal(?)
League = Hatred of oneself or ones wallet
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I AM FREAKING OUT
I THOUGHT I WAS PICKING UP A SMALL CLUMP OF HAIR SINCE MY GLASSES WERE OFF AND I WAS MAD AS HELL SO I PINCHED IT *REALLY* HARD AND IT EXPLODED
I KILLED THE BIGGEST SPIDER EVER IN A DEATH PINCH AND THAT FEELING WILL NEVER LEAVE ME
IM GOING TO PUKE AAAAAAAAAAAA
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What do you even tell a voice actor to get them to make these noises
What’s a line delivery you’ll never forget?
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You know you've made it big when you post a scuffed selfie and
@JustaMinx
comments on how nice your hands would look around her neck
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Listen I'm not saying I'm desperate but if you see me launch Stardew Valley at 3am just shut the hell up and wish me luck
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@PlayOverwatch
Yah dude im gonna have to ask you to get the guy with the foot fetish away from the official account
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"Aw man I burnt the Pizza"
"No worries bro it'll buff out"
"Wha-"
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I SAID I WANTED LONG ON THE TOP WHAT PART OF THIS IS LONG ON THE TOP??
BRUH I SAID JUST OUT OF MY EYES I LOST IT ALL DUDE
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Got invited to a costume party, realized 4 drinks in I went to a random person's party in the same building
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That face you make when your tinder date from a week ago that gave you the triple deluxe vacuum succ-a-glucc-glucc shows up at your Uncle's Birthday party and calls your mom Auntie Jane.
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I like to think I add a factor of fun to every photo I jump in
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[Porn director pulling me aside]:
My dude you have *got* to stop crying
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Got a text saying "where are you" today. Turns out I had to be at a wedding 30 mins from the time of the text. If I hadn't been a chronic procrastinator in school I might have been worried, instead I panicked and made it by breaking the law. Cheers lads.
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Every time I die to a Valkyrie in apex I go play Titanfall 2 so I can kill her dad
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FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME IM NOT REPUBLICAN
I HAVE ADHD AND NARCOLEPSY
I SUPPORT LGBTQ+
STOP MESSAGING ME ABOUT IT AND PICK UP ON SARCASM
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When the goth chick at the bar you've been drunkenly chatting up stands to her full 6'3 height and asks if you want to get out of there
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Satisfy a woman? My brother in Christ I am not even satisfied with myself
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Had to shave my beard as a subathon goal, dear god is it over for me?
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Found
@Yeeunderscore
outside the church looking like a handsome Mr. Squidgame. Sat next to him for the clout.
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Warning signs your friend is being manipulated by an egirl:
They have downloaded league of legends
They are playing Minecraft and told none of the boys
They are playing valorant 'for fun'
They now understand TFT
They know more villagers in animal crossing than just the cat
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If you ever run into the toxic e-dating mercy/dps combo do everything you can to just keep killing the dps player and let the mercy live.
Let them destroy their own night asking why they weren't getting enough heals.
Stay toxic gamers.
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Went to a ren faire last weekend as a dwarf. My cosplay skills are spectacular
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My friends mom just asked me to be their valentine 😏
@miracumoose
thank you for your blessing lmao
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My dad bet me when i was around 16 that if I ever made a living off video games hed eat a shoe. 11 years later I'm gonna rub it in by giving him this to drink out of while he eats it.
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Met my Nephew today! He wasn't sure what to make of me but he wouldn't stop staring
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Fear is hearing
@SaltyPhish
@Yeeunderscore
and
@justaldooo
getting closer while chanting
3 shirtless men
3 Shirtless Men
3 SHIRTLESS MEN
and realizing youre the only one still in bed with no way to lock the door
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Found out my mom follows my twitter. I don't know what her @ is and she wont tell me...
Fuck.
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When she's pretty much a 10/10 and your 6/10 ass gotta figure out how she lost her way into your dms
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When I was 17 I told my dad I could make a living off of video games. He told me if I ever did he'd eat a shoe. On my 28th birthday and 2nd year of full time streaming, I present to you this video.
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Hate it when dads ask me why i want to date their daughter. Ive seen your wife man, i know your daughter is spec'd for late game.
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According to my therapist sheeeeesh is not the correct response to being told they are upping my dosage
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Absolutely not, we can go lower.
'VELMA' is the
#1
worst rated animated tv series on IMDB with (1.3/10) stars.
Do you think the series deserves this rating?
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Turning 30 feels just like turning 29
Happy birthday to my other March babies
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Everyday I wake up and say
"let's get this bread"
but when will I have it?
When does my "rise and grind"
become "sleep in and unwind?"
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Asking Phish why he thought he could beat me at arm wrestling when he clearly doesn't have the 160lbs of lean mass I do
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In the days that follow, I will remember your absence
In the nights that remain, I will cherish your memory
In the long moments, through the short breaths
In the final wish, through the first prayer
When I smile it will be for you.
Goodbye and may we meet again, my Nica Noodles.
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I think it's time to do away with the terrible facial hair. I've tried for too long to get it to look good
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"I don't sweat I glisten" alright Tinkerbell didnt know that was pixie dust I was licking off the gym equipment
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It has been 5 mins since I met
@SaltyPhish
and he has already sniffed half of the groomsmen and several of the bridesmaids
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@SaltyPhish
It shows a strong sense of character to openly acknowledge what has happened and help those that have fallen victim to these acts. You are a good man and handled this exceptionally well.
I'm proud to call you my friend.
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When I play pokemon I always keep an Electrode with explosion in my party just in case im about to lose I can dynamax him and hold the stadium hostage. We all gonna be ghost types if i dont get that gym badge bro.
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Gonna be rough to be Pewdiepie's kid just sitting in class getting airdropped The Bridge Moment being asked "This your dad?"
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Mom: So how long before you finally get yourself a girlfriend?
Me: *Sips coffee out of a pyrex cup* I'm thinking it's still gonna be a while
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Tips for your mental health:
Any thoughts about yourself past 2am are to be ignored
Your ex will never change stop texting them
Your friends see red flags in your crushes better than you do
Sleep heals mental damage but exercise does too
Healing takes time so stop rushing it
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I got a new haircut from this El Salvador barber who took 10 minutes to cut it and 10 more to talk shit about Christiano Ronaldo. Anyway now I look like I know how to play soccer and and I'm all for it.
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Just found out stripper poles spin. I thought them ladies just greased up their thighs and let it rip like a beyblade 🌪️
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Dad: So you still playin games all day
Me: Yup
Dad: Still got no girlfriend?
Me: Nope
Dad: Wonder if there's a correlation
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The last time I saw someone sink to this level of delusion they used a submarine and didn't come back
BlizzCon 2023 Tickets will go on sale on July 8 & 22 🎟
The event will be streamed for FREE, however, the Virtual Ticket will be an optional purchase featuring in-game goodies, potentially for
#Overwatch2
and more!
📰 Learn More:
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going to a fantasy costume party, had to make sure i looked as dwarven as possible
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ITS MY BIRTHDAY!
IM 29 NOW!!
IM DEFINITELY NOT FREAKING OUT!!!
WHY DONT I FEEL LIKE AN ADULT YET????
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I love people that choose bulbasaur as their starter, they just look at him like "come my little lechuga, adventure awaits"
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Idk who needs to hear this but im 22 followers away from 10k.
Follow me and I swear to god i'll stream part of my Christmas with my Italian family.
This WILL probably get me banned.
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"Hey come through"
"Can I bring my friend?"
"Is he cute?"
The friend:
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Alright lets get one thing straight dps players, no amount of healing can save you from your shitty positioning. I can fix your wounds but youre gonna have to fix that attitude.
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How weird would your job be if you just decided to stop fake laughing at everything?
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"Being gay is a sin!" yelled God after making dudes lust to bust when an inquisitive finger sneaks up and pokes their prostate
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It's my birthday, as such I will now be getting drunk in both celebration and horror knowing I am 2 years away from 30.
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Goodnight to everyone except for:
-People in valorant named mochi
-Anyone that doesn't avoid cracks in the sidewalk
-Whoever eats at Arby's
-People that don't use a higher pitch voice when talking to animals
-People that think salt and vinegar chips are top teir
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As per tradition I have finished my shower and will now lie on my bed in only a towel until i either pass out or grow hungry. The rest of the day can wait it's turn.
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@SaltyPhish
Whichever chucklehead says the shorter one I'll find you when you think you're safest
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Knew a dude that would go out of his way to overtighten jars. When I asked him why he said "Because fuck anyone weaker than me" and walked away.
He knew I wanted those cherries so bad, fuck you dad.
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Guys I just like slow cooked meat, I do not love my slow cooker Gertrude, it's just efficient I swear.
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Me listening to a child that gave me a hat talk at length about how it will make me happy because it's her favorite color and it makes her happy like the bride and she's gonna be a bride one day with a yellow dress and her teddy bear will be the groom and why are you so short-
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13 days straight of streaming and my birthday subathon finally ends. Thank you all for joining me and I hope you all had as much fun as I had rage in me watching that timer increase days past what I expected. I'm gonna go touch grass, see you later o7
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