✨WASHINGTON DC✨ I’ll be in town for one night only on Wednesday, 8/20, headlining the @bierbarondc with the hilarious @TimMcHaleComedy featuring! If you or anyone you know are in DC, NOVA or anywhere else in the area, come out! https://t.co/X28glMuhqS

When a lot of your clientele is Int’l Me: Where are you from in Germany, sir? Him: Nuremberg Me: Oh yes, Nuremberg. Him. Have you been there before? Me: No I just read about it. Him: Oh yes? Me: Yeah you had some trials there from what I read. Him:(Smiles)…yeah

I don’t know if podcasts suck now or I’m just not 23 anymore.

Saw a lady with a sewing kit have a panic attack. That seamstress sure seemed stressed.

The question we all need the answer to is did Katt Williams talk to the FBI about Diddy and where is the video of the deposition?

The names Konkoma. Ron Konkoma.

Band name: Fleetwood Macklemore

BREAKING: Joe Biden cites latest Kill Tony episode as reason for dropping out.

Nick Kyrgios is the Draymond Green of tennis #wimbledon

Happy NFL playoffs to every one of you losers who aren’t even from Dallas and chose the Cowboys as your team for no legitimate reason. Keep telling yourselves that next year it will be your year.

The 2 L’s in Lloyd are unnecessary

Soulection Radio the type to have u digging for a track at the 42nd minute & 36 sec mark and googling with 5+ tabs open trying to find the sample. that’s what it’s all about. for my true music heads

Halloweekend in NY, you constantly ask yourself “Is that person in costume or are they homeless?”

Do you guys remember where you were when you realized that Randy Newman is white?

Hi folks. For all who are concerned, I am safe after deciding to go to Trader Joe’s along with everybody else who saw the rain and thought “Eh, it’s horrible outside, how crowded could it be?”

Today is my 30th Birthday. If I’m honest, this is bittersweet. I’m not afraid of aging, I have loved my life so far, but today marks 5 years of being too old to date Leonardo Di Caprio, five years I will never get back. Happy Birthday Tim, you old washed up loser.

Hear me out: Succession: The Movie. Shiv, Kendall, Roman, Tom and Connor take a submarine to look at the remains of The Titanic.

Hey guys ! I’m turning 30 on the 30th (Golden Birthday!) I decided to switch it up this year and will be taking a submarine off the coast of Nova Scotia this year. It only costs $250 K. Please DM me if you want to come with! Nothing could go wrong! XOXO -Tim 💖🎉🎂🎈🥳🎁

Business idea: Beauty pageant in Portland, ME called the “Maine Attraction”

*Takes hit of joint* In Spanish, would they say “Los angeles de Los Angeles?”