Anyone interested in time travel? Meet me here, last Thursday at 7.

The @Braves can't give us a win to celebrate, so please get rid of Iglesias, we can at least celebrate that. Then more wins will come.

I say this in the name of business. @Braves please let Raisel Iglesias go before the deadline. If he ever finds his magic again then he'll be a threat with that one team we play. If he doesn't and we keep him, he'll be a threat with EVERY team we play.

My message to the family right before we sit down to Thanksgiving dinner. #HappyThanksgiving #TurkeyDay2024 #GoDawgs

Cy Youngs were on SALE this year and Chris got himself one! #SALE #ForTheA

I think if Screech would have lived long enough he'd have been a Jedi on Disney+ too. #RIPDustinDiamond

In the year 2024 the absolute worst fast food spot is @kfc ! They closed our local one because no one wanted to work there and they closed at 4pm most days. Now the next closest one doesn't have legs or breasts nor can they fill a mashed potato container half way. Thanks, @kfc !

I follow some really stupid people on Instagram. I don't even know what I'm thinking.

X gonna give it to ya! Fudge waitin' for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya!

Google Search has been ruined on mobile devices! "Oh, here's 12 results, 8 of which have NOTHING to do with what you typed. THEN we'll show you 35 alternate searches because, 'f#¢* you, that's why.'" Thanks, guess I'll go back to reading the back of cereal boxes while I poop.

Anyone else's children like to drink shots of BBQ sauce??

Why in the ever-living hell would I want a burger with nothing on it but mustard?! I like EVERYTHING! I'm literally missing my cheese, lettuce, tomato, onions, and ketchup! But at least I got my mustard, DER!

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

Me: Once you buzz my head we can have ultra sex. Her: Ultra sex? Is that like a mega pint? Me: I'm so in love with you right now!

I truly appreciate streaming services that don't ask if I'm "Still There" or "Still Watching". I'll tell you when I've had enough!

You got the notification that I tweeted. Go ahead and like this tweet and follow to show some non-creepy real love.

Holy crap! #TheBatman is 2 hours and 56 minutes!! Maybe it should have just embraced a 4-8 episode deal on #HBOMax.

Me: You're a sexy little muffin. I want to fuck on you. Did you hear me? Wife: Yes. You want to fuck on me.

.@Dove chocolate is so creamy. I wonder if it has 1/4 moisturizer in it like their soap does. 🤔

So @comcast will raise the bill of a customer who isn't under contract and pays early every month even during a global pandemic and will go so far as to cut one's internet off during a chat to not deal with the issue. #COVID19 #bigbusiness #Corruption