Flups
@TheRealFlups
Followers
18,596
Following
380
Media
5,920
Statuses
35,549
I am 67.3% certain I once saw Jeremy Paxman eating a sandwich at Warwick Castle.
Joined August 2020
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Drake
• 1722789 Tweets
Meet the Grahams
• 232413 Tweets
Family Matters
• 172674 Tweets
#بدر_بن_عبدالمحسن
• 148180 Tweets
みどりの日
• 144128 Tweets
Kdot
• 94637 Tweets
Óscar Puente
• 55317 Tweets
結束バンド
• 52477 Tweets
京都新聞杯
• 44108 Tweets
#StarWarsDay
• 34803 Tweets
スペイン村
• 33069 Tweets
Bournemouth
• 25611 Tweets
#超こどもの日
• 23990 Tweets
Bad Apple
• 21480 Tweets
#MayThe4th
• 20635 Tweets
#MUSICFAIR
• 16854 Tweets
الفردوس الاعلي
• 15848 Tweets
رياض الجنه
• 15385 Tweets
الامير الشاعر
• 15157 Tweets
I don’t wish to brag (I do a little) but I’m 2lb away from losing 5st since January. It’s lovely to no longer need oxygen after climbing the stairs and my thighs no longer make a squeaking sound when I walk.
729
150
13K
A year ago today I went on a date to IKEA. The meal planned for afterwards didn’t happen as he told me I was “bigger than he liked” and that I wouldn’t fit in his Porsche. I cried for an hour in the car park then tweeted about it. The rest, as they say, is history.
777
189
11K
Dear Warburtons,
Please stop selling your crumpets and pancakes in sixes because I have to have three crumpets even though I probably only want two as it’s impossible to do the foldy over thing with the packet if there’s one crumpet from the three left. IT IS YOUR FAULT I’M FAT!
287
390
10K
So…I’m currently sitting in my car having a little cry. I stupidly went on a date this afternoon. We met at IKEA and were supposed to be going for dinner. He has just called as I was driving there to say he didn’t want to carry on. The reason? I’m bigger than he thought I’d be…
6K
202
9K
This is what I wore to my IKEA date from hell. I should have seen it coming as I’ve remembered he told me I “wouldn’t fit in his Porsche” whilst we were walking round. We all know a Porsche equals tiny penis, I don’t think I’d have told him he was “bigger than I expected”…
4K
108
8K
HISTORICAL FACT: Henry VIII’s second wife, Anne Boleyn was tried and found guilty of treason. However, her brother Wom was found not guilty so went free.
299
841
7K
Did a chicken come up with the start of this headline?
Buck Beck Beach Bench in Cleethorpes rebuilt after storm damage
41
19
92
34
388
5K
I’ve managed to somehow take a photo of myself which makes it look as if I do not have any legs and only one arm.
672
80
4K
On Saturday, I cried because I felt sad due to IKEAgate™️. Today I have cried because I’ve never felt so loved in my whole life. Thank you so much to everyone who has sent me birthday wishes, love, cards and gifts. You have helped make this silly old muppet’s 50th very special.
526
44
4K
Why isn’t the middle aisle in Lidl just called ‘Lidl Midl’? And why don’t they have smaller branches, akin to Tesco Express and call them ‘Tidly Lidl’? And why don’t their signs for toilets say ‘Pidl in Lidl’? And why has no one ever offered me a position in advertising?
192
394
4K
Further gems from ‘The IKEA Date From Hell™️’ yesterday.
1. He told me he’d bought me flowers. He did not give me said flowers.
2. After ‘calling it off’ due to me being ‘bigger than he likes’ he said I should be grateful as he “could have pretended and still had sex with me”.
2K
70
4K
Dear Twitter,
You have been absolutely amazing since IKEAgate. You really have made this silly muppet’s day by being so kind, supportive and showing me so much love. Thank you so, so much, I’m very grateful to everyone who’s taken the time to get in touch.
I LOVE YOU!
Flups x
179
25
3K
I HAVE MADE IT AT LAST!
278
86
3K
This was me on that fateful day. I had worked hard to lose five stone and his words were like a punch to my flabby stomach. But Twitter were bloody amazing and helped this daft bint feel so much better.
146
10
3K
But I’ve had a stern talking to by lovely friends who’ve said my middle finger needs to come back up, so I’m posting it again. It’s not an ego boost I’m after, it’s to show that despite appearances, you don’t know just what a person is dealing with behind closed eyes (2/2)
340
23
3K
But I wouldn’t change a thing because twelve months on I’m happy, have the best people in my life and am loved. However, I do still dine out on the fact that
@EricIdle
tweeted me about it but who wouldn’t?
8
9
2K
I forgot to mention that during his call to say we would no longer be meeting at the restaurant as planned, he said I should be grateful as he could have “gone through with it” because he knew I’d be “a really good f*ck”. I doubt I’d have been able to say the same about him.
129
9
2K
For most of my life I’ve had absolutely zero self confidence. In March I shall become *whispers* 50 and I’ve decided to embrace and love all my wobbly bits, perfect imperfections and no longer worry about how anyone sees me. So here’s a gratuitous selfie taken in the work bogs.
325
15
2K
I WILL respond to everyone who has been kind enough to take the time to tweet or message me. Please know I really am so grateful to everyone who has been in touch. You’re all amazing and wonderful, thank you from the bottom of my slightly bruised heart.
179
16
2K
Some might wonder why I have shared that I have been diagnosed with depression on here. Twitter is my escape, my support network and at the moment I need you all to hold me up until my brain is back to its silly, usual self.
337
39
2K
I had been seeing someone for the last two weeks. He is into hiking, bushcraft and camping. Last week, he showed me his various camping stoves and he made me walk six miles on Saturday. He’s just text me to say his heart isn’t in it and ended things. I CANNOT EVEN KEEP A NERD!
351
24
2K
Right, I have tried to respond to everyone but apologies to anyone I’ve missed. Thank you again, you’ve made this silly old bint feel very loved.
121
13
2K
My bra is too small
And the underwire bit
Is digging right in
And hurting my tit
“Just take it off then”
I hear you all shout
But if I did then they’d
Just wobble about
They’d slide off the sofa
And onto the floor
Then make their escape
Through the patio door.
The End
172
68
2K
Any one of these could be used as a euphemism for lady parts.
94
146
2K
I cannot thank you enough for all your gorgeous replies and messages. It really means a lot and I will read every one. This “fat” muppet loves you all very much.
174
7
1K
This is just the BEST!
@TheRealFlups
Hej! While I can't organise an advertising campaign for you, from one girl to another I do want to offer you a Gift Card so you can get that date in, with someone who deserves you! Slide on into my DM's and I won't ghost you - Becca
48
17
662
105
31
1K
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: If anyone has recently lost a large amount of weight, please contact me as I have found it.
16
80
1K
@EricIdle
🎵Isn’t it awfully nice to have a micro penis?🎵
Also, can I just say that you have MADE MY DAY! Thank you x
10
8
1K
BREAKING NEWS: An application to build a large Persil manufacturing plant in Surrey have been rejected due to fears it would cause Staines to disappear completely.
106
101
1K
Sticks and stones…you know how this goes. But words do hurt. My ex husband often called me Barry after the fattest man in Britain and this afternoon’s incident has been very triggering. My heart is a little more broken and my confidence has disappeared.
306
6
1K
Tomorrow I turn the big 5 0. I am ready to receive my gift of Greg Davies from you Twitter. I have even shaved my back in readiness.
193
9
1K
My small corner of Twitter is my escape from the stress of working for the NHS, being a single mom and life as well as it helping me to recover from the depression I’ve recently been diagnosed with. I like to keep it nice and kind so if you’re neither of these things, move along.
120
15
1K
I have always been repulsed by what looks back at me in the mirror. The memories of years of being told I’m fat and ugly are starting to fade which allows me to now look at myself without always believing I look like a shaved Pavarotti. It’s nice to finally love myself a little.
202
12
1K
Peppa Pig was terrified of water until she went swimming in the Dead Sea and was instantly cured.
32
103
1K
Yesterday I posted a picture of myself which took a lot of strength to do. I have very little confidence but did it to stick a massive middle finger up to all those who have told me I’m fat, ugly and worthless. Today, I deleted it as I worried people would think me vain (1/2)
325
13
1K
I’m having a bit of a rubbish day for a few reasons (stupid car insurance, work, money, life, etc.). Yesterday, however, I had a smashing day out during which this photo was taken, an sort of full length photo of me which doesn’t make me want to vomit. It’s the small wins.
156
11
1K
Earlier today a neighbour complimented me on the clematis growing around my door. My reply of "It's hanging down a lot lower that it should be, but then I have had several children" was met with silence and now I can never leave my house again.
35
40
1K
A week on from IKEAgate and I have to admit I’ve been on a journey of self destruction re: food. I’ve lapsed into my comfort eating ways, stupidly telling myself there’s no point in trying to diet anymore. Barriers are back up higher than ever. He’s caused a LOT of damage.
377
8
1K
@AlisonMoyet
Hello, my darling! How are you? Meeting you was the best moment of my life (sorry kids, your births are the next best thing). Thank you for your lovely words, I’m just off to dry my eyes xx
7
1
1K
A lovely friend took me out this evening (for a drink not with a sniper rifle) to cheer me up following on from IKEAgate. Well, after two large merlots it is safe to say I’m very cheered up although I laughed so much, I think I’ve dislocated my jaw.
57
2
997
HOORAY! MIDDLEDAUGHT GOT THE JOB! *does extremely embarrassing proud mommy dance*
114
2
987
Two weeks on from IKEAgate and what lessons have I learnt?
1. Some people are shallow and judgemental even when they say they’re not.
2. I’m not cut out for online dating.
3. Twitter is the best support network in times of emotional crisis
4. A date in IKEA is a shit idea.
101
7
986
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
56
117
986
Dear
@IKEAUKSupport
,
I have now received my ‘compensation voucher’ from you regarding IKEAgate™️, the ‘compensation’ being that I don’t have to spend any of my lovely gift card on that shallow, heartless bag of donkey arses. Thank you for being so very kind.
Love
Flups x
33
6
956
I have never been ashamed of admitting when I’m struggling and today I had rather large cry on my GP’s shoulder who confirmed, surprisingly, that I am depressed. BUT I have all the drugs and new HRT so I’ll be back to my old, ridiculous self before long.
140
11
945
FACT OF THE DAY.
Supermarket giant ASDA came up with the name by combining the last two letters of ‘Chas’ and the first two of ‘Dave’.
40
110
927
People who reply to my silly ‘posts’ with “you have too much time on your hands” couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a single mom with a very demanding, stressful job within the NHS and so my free time on limited. I post silliness on here purely to escape the above stresses.
0
9
934
This is Alfred the Gentleman Pupper. Alfred has today been on a tit biting rampage, biting the bosoms of Eldestdaught, Middledaught and myself. He also did a massive pile of dog fudge which was 60% pants he’d eaten because he’s a pervert.
139
7
917
If I want to post a photo of myself then I bloody well will. I have boobs, AND? What do you want me to do, strap them down? I have endured a LOT of abuse due to having big boobs and so hid them. Now, I embrace them. I am wearing a long sleeved top, not fucking nipple tassels!
144
13
901
Thank you so, so much for all your kind tweets and messages. Your support and love means so much, I really do have the greatest Twitter family IN THE WORLD!
73
8
898
This photo of me was taken exactly a year ago today. A lot has changed during the last twelve months including the expansion of my arse due to my inability to not be a comfort eating greedy bastard. If anyone can do gastric bypass surgery for roughly thirteen quid, let me know.
116
10
869
Woke up this morning to find my usual loaf of bread had been replaced by this one.
50
44
860
“Were you out last night with a lady, sir? Did she want it, sir? Ooh, suit you”
38
75
833
@KaylaChowShow
Women: "I plan to make the experience last a good couple of hours"
Men: "I can be in and out in five minutes".
14
13
795
To summarise: I am a woman who has boobs. If I post a photo of myself, WHICH I CAN DO IF I WANT, you will see I have boobs, the same as you’ll see I have two eyes, a nose and a middle finger stuck up to those nasty bastards who want to cause upset because they have no life.
89
9
797
JULIE ANDREWS’ DAILY SCHEDULE.
-Make bread
-read book by bushcraft expert
-watch bawdy British comedy
-darn socks
-drink milky coffee
-impersonate Homer Simpson
Dough, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte, D’oh.
77
90
782
Now That's What I Call Lockdown Christmas, featuring the festive hits:
- Don't Come, All Ye Faithful
- I'm Dreaming of a White, Crisp Mask
- Hark! The Herald Hand Gels Sing
- Feliz Covidad
- What Christmas Means Two Me-tre
58
169
778
Yes, I am crying.
@TheRealFlups
I met you and what I remember is the beautiful, bright, beaming face. Thrumming energy. A warm, friendly, funny woman entirely cuddlesome. You were lucky to forgo his issues. A good fellow would be fortunate to find you. X
11
8
2K
25
7
786
I have just eaten a bag of Revels (112g) in an attempt to fill the deep void in my heart caused by the yearning and longing I have to be in the arms of a very handsome man right now. It’s also because I’m a greedy bastard with absolutely no willpower.
106
10
765
I HAVE SURVIVED BEING IN IKEA FOR FOUR AND A HALF HOURS AND I WAS NOT DUMPED OR EVEN ONCE TOLD I WAS “TOO BIG”! THE CURSE HAS BEEN LIFTED, WOOHOO!
61
3
762
MY WEEK IN DATING.
Sat: Man on Twitter revealed admiration for me.
Wed: Went on date with Nice Scottish Man
Thurs: 2nd date with NSM. Discovered Twitter Man is married
Fri: Went on date with Tweed Jacket Man
Sat: ‘Ghosted’ by NSM and TJM.
Sun: Decides most men are ridiculous.
127
8
754
I’ve noticed this morning that I have lost some followers since revealing my Gentleman Caller™️. I thought people followed me for my ‘hilarious’ witticisms but it’s obviously because of the regular updates on my pitiful and disastrous love life.
132
4
749
I am done with worrying about what people may think of me. The photo was not a gratuitous one, I’m wearing a top and, shocking I know, you can see that I have boobs! BLOODY HELL! These ‘just saying’ types on here are the same people who would cry if anyone said the same to them.
108
10
734
Yungdaught: “I fail to see the link between chocolate eggs and Jesus coming back to life”
Me: “It comes from the word ‘resurr-EGG-tion…”
Yungdaught: “I really feel sorry for your followers on Twitter. Although they should feel sorry for me as I can’t escape your crap jokes”
66
7
729
I HAVE BEEN RECOGNISED BY SOMEONE AS THAT MUPPET OFF OF TWITTER! There I was in the queue in Superdrug, holding verruca cream and laxatives, no make up on with a very noticeable spot on my face which I had picked when a lovely man said ‘Flups!’.
FAME AT LAST!
44
7
732
Dear Twitter,
Thank you for being so kind, so bloody lovely and for once again holding my hand during a moment a rubbishness. My corner of Twitter is the most beautiful and wonderful corner and I bloody well love you very much, you absolute smashers.
Love
Flups x
0
3
724
I had a small cry this morning due to my current ‘having to find a new house unexpectedly by next month/having no money despite working tirelessly’ situation. Then I met Stanley who gave me a big kiss and hug and made things seem better.
57
5
709
Oh god, the very young, professional looking couple sitting opposite me on the train are currently discussing having sexy time tonight. They’re going to spray her lovely new body spray on the pillows. Kill me now, please.
100
7
704
…my already low confidence has now plummeted through the floor. I feel so fat and ugly. So in answer to my question regarding what’s wrong with me, I guess I’ve found out.
456
8
703
I considered joining a dating app again because I still believe one day I’ll find someone who’ll be desperate enough to think I’m not too bad and too lazy to leave me. However, I quickly remembered that rimming a dead badger would be a nicer experience than joining a dating app.
141
11
709
Upon my return to work today following a week of birthday related annual leave, I have been given possibly the greatest gift EVER. I now invite you all to come with me on a journey which will see me secreting these beauties in the most inappropriate places possible.
85
8
699
Went to vote. Took my NHS photo ID. Apparently, it wasn’t acceptable.
@The_X_Stitcher
thinks it’s because Warwick is very Tory and they knew I’d not vote for that shower of donkey jizz, especially as I work for the NHS!
74
119
693
Yungdaught: “Are bumholes just holes? How does the poo not just fall out?”
Me: “It’s a sphincter…have you never seen one?”
Yungdaught: “WHEN THE HELL WOULD I HAVE SEEN A BUMHOLE?”
Me: “At school?”
Yungdaught: “WHAT? “Good morning class, here’s my bumhole!”
83
11
678