I never fucking said this shit

I’ve invented a new method of divination where you shake the scrabble bag three times and feed me the letters one by one and the next day I shit out the letters and your fortune is told in a series of chronological letter turds. It’s called Scrabble Divination. @earthboundco

*slow heavy metal music playing*

Watch out because I just ate a pound of uranium

https://t.co/oiCGY6LqDq

I like to surprise my tapeworms sometimes by consuming fentanyl-laced afterbirth

If Kirby absorbed me he would get chronic Lyme disease and a huge corkscrew cock

*grinds and pulverizes your first born into ramen noodle flavor powder*

POV you have a glass eye that is catching the sunlight in a very sexy way and I want to take it back to my nest to surprise my next one night stand:

I got a one way first-class VIP ticket to your mom’s bedroom ayeee

My body is full of deer ticks

I will never understand yall mf’s who shit on death metal because “you can’t understand what they’re saying” but then turn around and listen to Pearl Jam

Boutta make this rainbow dash figure look like she won a kids choice award

We are all just characters and ships in God’s AU’s and headcanons

Had Lizzo released About Damn Time before September 11th 2001, the 9/11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center would have never happened.

This shit failed miserably because I could not stop shitting on the desk

I am so full from eating so many nickels yum

God I fucking hate that bitch

Rap tap tappin on chamber door, hey hey hey honk honk honk

Wow this was over a year ago. I’ve gotten so many bitches since then I swear to fucking god

Give me your sphincter