The Poke
@ThePoke
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Last Seen Profiles
BREAKING: Panic in White House as scientists confirm loss of taste could be symptom of COVID-19
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Don’t worry if you haven’t done well in your A Levels. At least you’re not a middle aged man on Twitter wishing death on a 16 year old girl who just wants to save the planet.
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Liz Truss persuaded by aides to share a photo of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe to celebrate her release.
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"What did I tell you to say?"
"You told me to say it was too early to draw conclusions."
"And what did you say?"
"I said it was those care home bosses what done it."
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Boris Johnson looks like a divorced dad who has arrived early to pick his kid up and is desperately trying to look cool in front of his ex wife’s new boyfriend.
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Many congratulations to Nigel Farage for being elected as an unelected EU bureaucrat.
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Boris Johnson has been reselected to stand in Uxbridge and South Ruislip. He plans to visit as soon as he googles where it is.
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Hey, Stanley Johnson, we can actually spell ‘Pinocchio’, no problem.
We can also spell ‘Your son is a despicable, lying, misogynistic, racist disgrace who needs to keep his dirty sausage fingers the fuck away from our NHS’ just fine too.
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Alexa, show us an example of someone being absolutely flummoxed by a question and making an utter tit of themselves on TV.
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A big wooden penis has mysteriously appeared six thousand feet up an Austrian mountain
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'What did I tell you to do?'
'Maintain a statesmanlike tone so people understand the gravity of the situation.'
'And what did you do?'
'I said "'Tis the Season to be jolly careful."'
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Boris Johnson PM drinking game:
1. Start drinking now
2. Don’t stop.
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Nadhim Zahawi is keeping quiet on his dealings with HMRC but Twitter isn’t – 15 favourite reactions.
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Playboy doesn't just have naked women. Once it even put a prick on the cover
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Jack Monroe’s frank rebuttal of an ignorant take on food poverty was the best possible response. (Via
@BootstrapCook
)
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“So you promised not to try some tedious infantile prank with the letter. What did you do?”
“Tedious infantile prank with the letter”
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BREAKING: Government confirms new
#Immigration
policy is to turn UK into such a nasty, uncaring, self-interested little shit-hole that no-one will want to come here.
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"I once spent £220,000 of taxpayers' money producing a 50-page defence dossier that boiled down to 'I'm just really stupid'."
#Partygate
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BREAKING: UK decides not to proceed with Supreme Court judgement on prorogation of Parliament as Twitter user Kevin1132766A23 has looked at the finer points of law and decided it's just another fucking plan to block Brexit by the liberal elite establishment etc etc
33
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"You wouldn't happen to have a copy of 'Excuses a 12-year-old Would Be Too Embarrassed to Use' by A.B. de Pfeffel Johnson, would you?
Oh, you do! Splendid!"
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BREAKING: Leo Varadkar explains to Boris Johnson the problem with his latest Brexit proposal
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BREAKING: Boris Johnson gets Brexit update from Irish PM Leo Varadkar in Dublin.
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Marcus Rashford is sharing places doing free kids’ meals because the government won’t and it’s an amazing read
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There’s Too Soon. Then There’s Way, Way, Way Too Soon.
http://t.co/5OTRY08ECC
http://t.co/8tW25zzERr
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Goodbye, Donald Trump. You certainly made a lasting impression.
[sound up]
#Election2020results
#ByeByeTrump
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Nadine Dorries claims the Tories created twice as many jobs in Hartlepool as there are people.
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Wetherspoons ‘ran out of beer’ and sympathy for Tim Martin was in short supply
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Not the first to say it, but definitely the most succinct. It's our letter of the day!
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Nadine Dorries’ ‘poor me’ routine over missing out on a peerage drew the scorn it deserved.
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A friendly reminder that if your children don't join in with the One Britain One Nation song on
#OBONDAY21
, the harvest will fail.
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"Choosing a Tory leader is much like making love to a beautiful woman. First there's some jockeying for position, a bit of small-talk, and maybe even drugs. Then you get some support behind you, beat off the opposition and finally insert Johnson. Then we're all fucked"
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If you cover half of Harrison Ford’s face with your thumb you can see him acting out two different emotions at once
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"I once claimed that 16 Tory Party chairmen who donated £3m each and got peerages were just philanthropists and it was all a funny coincidence."
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Matt Hancock filled in for James O’Brien on LBC and it went just as well as you hoped it would
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Three cheers for Lab MEP
@sebdance
holding this sign behind
@Nigel_Farage
whilst Farage praises Trump & Muslim Ban
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Jack Monroe (
@BootstrapCook
) comprehensively debunked a Tory MP’s claim that people use food banks because they can’t cook or budget.
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Jacob Rees-Mogg described postponed Brexit measures as ‘an act of self-harm’ and there’s not enough facepalm in the world.
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This takedown of Piers Morgan for saying ‘no deal is actually Brexit’ went viral because it’s forensic and utterly brutal
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“But as you can see, it's a beautiful day, the schools are open, and people are having a wonderful time.”
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Help us out here. What did Emily Maitlis write on her pad?
(Scrawl it on a piece of paper, take a picture and reply to this thread.)
#whatemilywrote
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She can kill with a clap, she can wound with her eyes
And she's far from impressed with your Soviet ties
And she'd quite like to stab you and laugh as you bleed
She thinks you're a child but she's Nancy Pelosi to me
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Priti Patel to hold Rose Garden press conference to explain how she accidentally bullied people while testing her eyesight.
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BREAKING NEWS: Theresa May throws herself under the bus. Misses.
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Rishi Sunak is getting a publicly-funded enquiry into who grassed up his non-dom wife.
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The Mail used a picture of Emily Clarkson without permission and the photographer’s response gets better and better
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Wonderful moment Donald Trump is owned by Polish president's wife. More here
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People are baffled by the Question Time audience member who voted Leave to end safety rules for roofers.
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Piers Morgan’s glorious takedown of Matt Hancock over free school meals had everyone cheering (even people who don’t like Piers Morgan)
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BREAKING: Shock as Jacob Rees-Mogg turns out to be appalling twat again
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Jacob Rees-Mogg tried to own Krishnan Guru-Murthy and came across like a right Steve Baker
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"Now, Boris - tell them that you completely deplore all forms of misogyny."
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“Then Boris said he would rather die in a ditch than ask for an extension, didn’t he Roy? What did Boris do?”
“Asked for an extension”
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Just picked up an early edition of tomorrow's Daily Mail
http://t.co/EsRT825fR0
http://t.co/PhaWaEpS4n
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15 spectacular takedowns of Nadine Dorries for trying to gaslight the PM’s critics.
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This Tory MP’s attack on Labour over the rail strikes wasn’t the slam-dunk he thought it was
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Jacob Rees-Mogg’s changed his mind on Theresa May’s Brexit deal – the only 7 responses you need
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