The Needling
@TheNeedling
Followers
21K
Following
53K
Media
2K
Statuses
14K
Seattle's Only Real Fake News (Satire/Parody) Have a hot headline tip? Send it to [email protected]
Joined July 2017
Green Jacket Lady from Fox News Interview Already Leading in Polls for Seattle’s Next Mayoral Election:
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Portland Startup to Mine Artisanal Bitcoin Using Only Slide Rules and Graph Paper:
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Blue Angels Circle Seattle 12 Times in Attempt to Find Parking:
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Mayor Durkan Kicks Off Pride Month Festivities with Rainbow-Colored Tear Gas:
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Homeless Encampment Swept Ahead of North Seattle Walk to End Homelessness 5K:
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Landlord Awaiting End to Eviction Moratorium Excited to Complain About Unrelated Surge in Homeless Population:
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Dog Scientists Recommend Leaving Thanksgiving Turkey Unattended for 5 Minutes:
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Experts Find Smoking Filtered Cigarettes Reduces Risk of Breathing Seattle’s Air:
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Cramped, Overpriced Corporate Store with No Parking or Anything On Your Shopping List Shutting Down Due to Safety Concerns:
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Local Woman Just Thinks Flaming Forest Could Find More Peaceful Way to Protest Climate Change:
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‘Don’t Worry, I Used to Fly in the Midwest,’ Announces Pilot Moments Before Slowly Sliding Into Parked Planes:
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San Andreas Earthquake Welcome to Launch West Coast Off to Sea Anytime Now:
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‘I Would Never Live in That Hellhole City,’ Says Man Already Living in Moses Lake:
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Russell Wilson Stands Outside Pete Carroll’s House with Boombox Overhead:
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Tourist Tip: Pike Place Fishmongers Will Toss Your Kid if You Slip Them $50:
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Blue Angels Circle Seattle 12 Times in Attempt to Find Parking:
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Tickets Selling Out Quickly for Queen Anne Sedan Snow Slam:
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Seattle Mariners Announce You Are Playing Outfield Next Season in Latest Cost-Saving Move:
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State of Washington Gives Up, Will Change Name to Seattle:
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OneBusAway Finally Adds ‘Never’ Notification for When Your Bus Has Fallen into the Void:
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Fremont Troll Has Catalytic Converter Stolen from VW Bug:
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Heartwarming: These Unvaccinated First Responders Weren’t Allowed to Spread COVID at Work So They Did It For Free:
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Research Shows Yakima Actually Nothing Like Palm Springs:
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Centralia Spontaneously Combusts Following Trump Verdict:
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SPD Warns that Without More Funding It May Not Be Able to Afford Killing As Many Innocent People Next Year:
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Dan Price Offering Everyone in America $70k to Forget All About This:
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Pike Place to Improve Small Business Access by Adding Parking Inside the Market:
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Seattle Mariners Apologize for ‘Geoduck Run’ Mascot Race:
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Working Class Heroes: This Orca Pod Decided to Literally Eat the Rich:
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SDOT Admits It Always Thought ‘Vision Zero’ was About Getting to Zero Pedestrians:
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How to Cope with Your Local Police Department Being Defunded After It Was Never Defunded:
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Both WB I-90 and WB 520 Bridges to Close This Weekend Because Fuck Bellevue:
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Seattle Police Union to Investigate Officers Who Didn’t Attend January 6th DC Riots:
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Seattle Still Choked with Smoke After Russell Wilson Attempts to Cook at Lumen Field:
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Report: KOMO’s Jonathan Choe Absolutely Sure This Is a Live Shot of Downtown Seattle:
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Local Midwesterner Rolls Eyes at Seattleites’ Inability to Drive in a Tornado:
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"Rest assured that no one was hurt by this incident more than me—especially after the dynamite I was holding exploded and launched me two miles, leaving a coyote-shaped hole in the West Seattle Bridge.”
Wile E. Coyote Steps Down as Sound Transit CEO After Giant Clock Falls on Northbound Tunnel:
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Conservative Seattle Blogger Enters 14th Year of Threatening to Leave Crime-Ridden Hellhole Forever:
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Park Rangers Advise Hikers to Ward Off Bears by Loudly Announcing Median Housing Prices:
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Mayor Durkan Promises to Resign Soon, Just Has a Few More Pieces of Evidence to Destroy First:
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Uvalde Police Department Unveils New Thin Yellow Line Flag:
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Parents Mortified as Kids Turn Elf on the Shelf Into Snitch in the Ditch:
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Seattle Welcomes Spring with Deafening Citywide Rattling of Iced Lattes:
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The Seattle Aquarium Launches Pride Celebration with New Gay Otter Exhibit:
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Scientists Make First Contact with Lost Civilization Discovered in West Seattle:
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Local Homeowner in Critical Condition After Witnessing Homelessness:
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Conservative Seattle Blogger Enters 14th Year of Threatening to Leave Crime-Ridden Hellhole Forever:
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Supreme Court Votes 6-3 to Officially Change Market Name to Pike’s Place:
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Parents Mortified as Kids Turn Elf on the Shelf Into Snitch in the Ditch:
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Downtown Seattle Business Area Renamed ‘South Lake Anti-Union’:
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First Person in History Exits Capitol Hill Station Exactly Where They Intended:
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Boeing Kindly Offers to Fly All Whistleblowers to Their Court Dates on 737 MAX:
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Light Rail Operator Excited to Finally Find Out What’s in Lynnwood:
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Squirrel Bursts into Flames Signaling Six More Weeks of Heat Wave:
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After Courageous 3-year Battle with Right-Wing Media, Seattle Dead at Age 172:
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New Seattle Transportation Director from LA Immediately Rebrands I-5 to “The 5”:
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State of Washington Gives Up, Will Change Name to Seattle:
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Seahawks Honor Pete Carroll By Hanging His Gum From the Rafters:
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Queen Anne Residents Create Little Free Pantry for Those Making Under $600k:
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Local Man Upset About Rainy June Fondly Recalls Home Turning into Literal Oven Last Summer:
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Man Stuck in Aurora COVID Test Line Hoping to Make it Past Home Depot by Next Variant:
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Geologists: Mount Rainier Will Not Erupt During Your Lifetime, with Possible Exception of Very End
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Research Shows Yakima Actually Nothing Like Palm Springs:
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Transplant Celebrating 10 Years in Seattle Fears It’s Too Late to Ask How To Pronounce Sequim:
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How to Cope with Being Single During the Holidays While Every Street in Seattle is Getting Plowed:
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Inflation Woes Continue as Beth’s Cafe 12-Egg Omelette Now Costs $37,000:
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Baby Poked in Eye by Faulty Spoon Airplane Manufactured by Boeing:
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Climate Pledge Arena’s New Earth Day Promo Just $19 Beer Poured Directly into Your Cupped Hands:
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Walla Walla Back in Commission After Washington Ferries Recruit UW Crew Team:
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For the uninitiated, here's what we reported on Seattle's favorite event of the year before Ticketmaster immediately sold out of tix:
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2-for-1 Flash Sale Begins on ‘In This House We Believe’ and ‘Recall Sawant’ Yard Signs:
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47,215th Flyover Picture of Mount Rainier Confirms It’s Still There:
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All Washington Ferries Outfitted with ‘Student Driver’ Stickers:
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‘Seattle Weather Really Not That Bad,’ Says Man Who Moved Here 4 Weeks Ago:
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KUOW Says the Subarus Are Next If You Don’t Become a Sustaining Member:
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Boeing Assures Public Blue Angels Are Safe Because They’re Made for the Military, Not You People:
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Witch’s Curse Dooms Man to Pick Wrong Line at Dick’s for Eternity:
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PacMed Building Not Haunted, Just Has Resting Tower-of-Terror Face:
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Man Wins Halloween Costume Contest Dressing as Metro Bus, Never Showing Up to Party:
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Waterfront Seattle to Open New Bike Lane As Soon as They Finish Sharpening Low Steel Fencing:
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Home Gardening Virtuoso Successfully Turns $800 into a Side Salad:
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Shoplifting, JumpStart Tax, Misdemeanor Drug Use Force Mariners to Miss MLB Playoffs:
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Mayor Harrell Announces Police Officers Will Recite Land Acknowledgement Before Sweeping Homeless Native Americans on Indigenous Peoples’ Day:
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Mount Rainier Officially Comes Out Ahead of Pride Weekend:
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Tim Eyman Busted Stealing Virtual Chair from New Seattle NFT Museum:
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Heartwarming: City Officials Spell Out ‘One Seattle’ in Belongings Confiscated from the Homeless:
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New King County Mental Health Initiative Mandates Juanita’s Chips and Beecher’s Mac & Cheese be Covered by Insurance:
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SPD Flooded with Bereavement Requests Following Trump Indictment:
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47,215th Flyover Picture of Mount Rainier Confirms It’s Still There:
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