You know those disgusting public bathrooms where everyone writes insane shit on the walls? That’s what Twitter is.

luck be a lady, or a man -Woke Sinatra

so long dry january hello blackout february

not gonna lie I really miss global warming right now

idk which john invented the “long johns” but he (or she) is easily the best john to have ever lived

I don’t gamble on sports bc my farts are already too much of a gamble

my body my choice -men wearing shorts in 5 degree weather

wordle is either the most fun 4 minutes of my day or the most infuriating 13 hours of my day

Minneapolis is the Compton of the Midwest

it’s so cold that if you relapse it shouldn’t count

today I walked 10 blocks thru the snow to get to work so when I’m telling this to my kids in the future it’ll be 10 miles uphill

everyone is always concerned about how many inches the storm is gonna drop but no one ever cares about the storm’s personality

if you order delivery during a snow storm the delivery guy should be allowed to fuck ur wife

went to my 20 yr high school reunion and so much changes in that time. 20 years ago every guy I knew had a condom in their wallet and now every guy I know has a blue chew in their wallet.

we should be allowed to stiff arm children who get in ur way

about 12% of the population in america is black so having more than 1 black friend would just be greedy

me on stage deciding if I should do a poop joke or a cum joke

me: the dryer shrunk all my clothes also me: if you let ice cream melt and drink it like soup it’s half the calories

me from January 1st thru December 30th: life fucking sucks me on December 31st: what a great year it’s been

snow in nyc day 1 versus day 3

I started a playlist of music to kill myself to it’s called boooooring