How’s life different now? Well, I wake up daily at the crack of dawn. Previously, I used to get cracked until dawn.

War between India and Pakistan is basically cricket. Five days of chest thumping drama ending in no clear result. Both sides claim victory while westerners are confused why everyone is so eager to “smash boundaries”

White girls be like, “I’m terrified of spiders,” then fly solo to Southeast Asia to bathe a wild elephant in the jungle. They scream at a zit in the mirror but exfoliate an elephant while knee deep in a river.

Two of the biggest UFC fighters are literally named ‘Islam’ and ‘Israel’. The solution to the Middle East crisis is a fist fight between a Russian Muslim and a Black Kiwi.

Luxembourgers look at seats on the Tram like Toilet urinals: This one is taken so can’t use the one next to it.

At first, humans were released from captivity. Then a dog was set free. We are one step away from Hamas releasing a mountain goat into the wild with a NatGeo crew filming the whole thing.

YouTube ads are getting so aggressive. “If you want to work a 9 to 5 job for the rest of your life then skip this ad”. Now I’m 7 minutes into a protein supplement commercial and running late for work.

Me: I don’t care if someone ghosts me Also me: Can I use a ouija board to contact an ex? 👀

For the record, I have never ghosted anybody. All I did was take a humanitarian pause.

Ceasefire is the new C word. Say it in public and you might lose your job

Journalists: Tell us about the living conditions as a Hamas hostage? Grandma: The dude had separate bottles for shampoo and conditioner. 🤩

London tonight! Tickets at https://t.co/Ox5K8L8nqH

📣 FRESH OFF THE FRINGE PERFORMANCE ANNOUNCEMENT 📣 @TheDeepuGuy AMERICAN ALIEN | 2nd October, 7:30pm | Tickets on sale now > https://t.co/dksx0Eeb3C | 👽🇺🇸#standupcomedy #americancomedy #peckham #southbermondsey #chortle

Yes, the cops took a flyer for my Fringe show. #edfringe23 #fringe #Edinburgh @edfringe

In French, “Mon courage” translates to my courage but “Bon courage” means good luck. Make up your mind! Are you brave or did you just win the lottery?

Having a blocked nose is a lot like running into your crush. Takes your breath away and keeps your mouth open.

THE NEW NORMAL. As an artist, it’s not enough to just sell out your shows. You need to literally take down the website now!

CACTUS…cos there’s no better name for a well-stocked grocery store than a prickly, desert plant that grows in arid regions.

The French are protesting against going to work and rest of Europe is in full support. We’d rather deal with a shuttered storefront than a French person working the counter.

McDonald’s is like a Lufthansa business lounge but for homeless people. Roll in with suitcases, take a quick shower, have a meal and bounce!