Jesus H Christ!
@ThatBloke_Jesus
Followers
211,290
Following
8,171
Media
327
Statuses
2,792
Influencer, magician, totally real. I only want 12 followers. Ricky Gervais fan, don't tell Dad. Amen!
Inside you
Joined December 2012
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Painter needed for this Thursday night,
picture of me and the lads
Cash in hand
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Any boulder removal companies working today?
I am in a pickle
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Dear America,
Why don’t you use Thoughts and Prayers to protect your border
It’s what you use to protect your schools
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Waitress is making us all sit on the same side of the table
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Big shout out to Elizabeth from Ireland who just thanked me because she thought she’d finished all the wine but then found a bottle of Pinot behind the tea bags
You enjoy yourself Lizzie
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Just been invited out for supper with the lads.
Should be a good night, the first supper of many I bet
#bestmates
#loyalty
#nothingplannedtomorrow
#tablefor13
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Just got home
Trying to explain to the Mrs that I’ve been dead since Friday is not going down well
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What a mad weekend!
Woke up naked on a stick
LOL
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Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal.....
Good for him
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Just walked in the pub
All the lads were like “No way!”
I was like “Yahweh!”
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Looking forward to the first Supper with the boys tonight
Said we should make it a yearly thing
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Stupid Atheists trying to say that hurricanes are caused by this so-called “water cycle” and not gay sex
Mental
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Big shout out to Steven from Ireland who just thanked me because he thought KFC forgot to add the gravy but then he found it under the fries
Nice one Stevo, you crack on lad
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Remember when I wasted years of my life as a carpenter making tables and shit before I realized I could do magic
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In line with the recent government safety restrictions I will be crucifying myself from home this Easter
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Sorry
I am out of the office due to personal sacrificial dying for sins work
I will be back in the office 09:00am Monday morning
Regards
J
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Judas outside on his phone all night
What’s he up to LOL
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Please stop praying to me about Man United
Sometimes teams are just shit
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Matthew 4:11
Mark 11:24
Luke 4:18
John 3:16
John was the fastest
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Big shout out to Michelle from London who just thanked me because she thought she’d finished all the wine but then found a bottle of Blossom Hill behind the weetabix
Anytime Shelly
You enjoy yourself love
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Big shout out to Michael from London who just thanked me because he thought he had missed his train, but actually it was running 9 minutes late so he easily made it
Anytime Micky lad! It’s what I do bro
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Big shout out to Michael from London who just thanked me because he thought he’d run out of teabags but found 2 behind the Weetabix
Anytime Mikey, it's what I do
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Had a similar problem at one of my bread and fish parties
Made it work though
88,000 ticket requests at 10am for a 400 seater venue. I love you all!
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OMG I have just seen all your prayers
They were in my junk folder. LOL
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Just been invited out for supper with the lads.
Should be a good night, the first supper of many I bet
#bestmates
#loyalty
#tablefor13
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RIP the dinosaurs.
Can't believe it's been 65 million years already
Always in our thoughts
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I would help Liverpool win today but Mo Salah keeps praying to the other fella
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Arrived at the restaurant
Decided to all sit on the same side of the table
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Not sure why but Dad just gave me the next 3 days off work
🥳🥳🥳
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Just walked in the pub and everyone was all like
“No Way!!”
And I was all like
“Yahweh!!”
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So chuffed I got a shout out at the royal wedding by this Archbishop fella
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Big shout out to Darren from Leeds who just thanked me because he thought he had run out of tea bags but then he found 5 more behind the Uncle Bens rice
I’m there for you Dazza 👊🏻
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I am supporting Italy tonight because Dads mate lives there
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Really sorry to hear about Prince Andrews car accident next month
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Me: “I don’t want to stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend”
Dad: “You know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas and Easter you stay with them”
Me: “Christmas and what?”
Dad: “What”
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My Twitter account still isn't verified in the same way nothing I have ever done is verified
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The pope blames sex abuse scandal on Satan
Because when your imaginary friend won’t help you,
Blame it on your Imaginary enemy
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If anyone needs me tomorrow, best to catch me in the morning
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Just walked into the pub and everyone was like
“No Way!”
And I was like
“Yahweh!”
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Just woke up in some cave with
a banging headache
Is McDonald’s breakfast still on?
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Stop praying to me about Man United
Some teams are just shit
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Hey, remember when Satan murdered every man, woman and child on earth in a flood
Oh wait.......that was my Dad
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Dinner out with the lads tonight
#mates
#loyalty
#massivetablesamesideplease
#painting
#firstsupper
#splitthebill
#shotsshotsshots
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Looking for recommendations for dinner out with the lads on Thursday
Must have long table as we all like to sit on the same side
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Big shout out to Andrew from the UK who just thanked me because he found his keys
Anytime Andy, it’s what I do mate
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To everyone telling me my account is a sin
Relax, I plan on forgiving myself later
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If you get engaged today
I will go mental
It’s not about you
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Apologies for not getting back to anyone but I am currently dead
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Great
Lynx Africa and Socks again!!!!
So glad I died for you
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I was going to let Liverpool win tonight but Mo Salah keeps praying to the other guy
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Ironically I chose this week to come back and now I can't get through customs
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Having Christmas Dinner with the lads
Big thanks to Noah for bringing two turkeys
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Mark 3:21
John 3:16
Luke 3:10
Luke was the fastest
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Just walked in the pub and the lads were all like “No Way!”
And I was all like “Yahweh!”
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After all i’ve done for you lot
this is bang out of order
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Big shout out to Mark from Scotland who just thanked me because he thought the chippy was closed but then saw that it actually wasn’t
Enjoy Marky lad
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What a great day for bike riding construction workers who like to play sports with their own families in the park
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If anyone sees Judas please can you ask him to call me urgently
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JFK was surrounded by Secret Service agents when he was shot
When all he really needed was a few armed Geography teachers
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Kicked out of the bar because I ordered 12 waters again
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Got a load of Romans banging at my door
What the fuck do they want this time of the morning ?
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Victoria and David Beckham have asked to be left alone while they work this out
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I’ll be honest i’m not having a very good Friday
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Stop praying to me about Man Utd
Some teams are just shit
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I couldn’t help Liverpool because Mo Salah was praying to the other guy
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It amazes me that the same people who doubt I have a Twitter account have no trouble believing I occasionally appear on a piece of toast
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Hey, remember when I wasted years of my life as a carpenter making tables and shit before I realized I could do magic
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Looking for recommendations
Boulder removals companies in the Jerusalem area
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Sorry for the inconvenience guys but I’m dead
See you on Sunday for a big surprise
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Hey remember when I died for you and said celebrate with rabbits and chocolate fucking eggs
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To do list:
Pick up milk
Iron robe
Mow the lawn
Fix hole in sandal
Clear inbox
Put ‘out of office’ on
Die for everyones sins
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Big shout out to Jonathan from Europe who just thanked me because he thought he’d left his phone charger at work, but then he found it in his rucksack
Anytime Jonny lad
It’s what I do!
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Even though
@rickygervais
and me don’t get along, I do have to say what a masterpiece
#AfterLife2
is.
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If anyone sees Judas today can you tell him I would like a word
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I hate to be a negative nelly but i’m honestly not having a good day
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