Tashy McTashface
@TashP351
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Following
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102,545
A whore in the kitchen, a cook in the bedroom, and a crap mum.
Joined May 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Me, helping my husband look for his “hand wash only” jumper I shrunk in the wash and binned last Thursday.
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My friends daughters hamster has been missing and feared dead for almost 2 weeks now.
Last night she forgot to wash up the paint tray after a day of decorating.
We now think the hamster may still be alive…
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When your dad tries to clean up your daughters Girls World with white spirit, but it completely takes the eyes out so he sticks some on from a magazine.
Before & after.
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Somedays it’s harder to love your dog unconditionally than others.
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Hi, I’m posting my favourite Facebook post ever again.
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If you know someone who is thinking of getting a spaniel, it’s your duty to show them this.
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"Yeah I couldn't remember which one you threw, so I fetched them all".
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Sue Perkins.
The top and bottom are easy but the middle one is tough…
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Using an image, show me the film/tv show that scared the crap out of you as a kid.
This is mine.
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Not sure we’ll ever get to the bottom of who ate the blue pen and ruined the footstool.
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My mate completely wins hands down for the back to school photo.
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Can we at least get rid of Mrs Brown’s Boys now then??
Just on the basis it’s fucking shit.
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He told me to think “outside the box”for his advent calendar this year.
This is not a box and there’s 24 packs. ✅
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Watching Vigil.
Me: She’s married to Jon Snow.
Him: No fucking way.
After 40 odd minutes of arguing and disbelief, turns out my husband thought I meant Jon Snow exhibit A, and not, in fact, Jon Snow exhibit B.
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When Jim Davidson checked in to the hotel I used to work at, he threw his car keys at my manager and barked orders for it to be parked.
My manager tossed them back and shouted “please have some manners and park it your fucking self”.
It was the happiest moment of my life.
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Remember during lockdown one family member would be sent out to the supermarket like Rick from The Walking Dead on a supplies mission??
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I honestly don’t know which one of these two I love more.
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If you never got to visit Great Yarmouth’s Waxwork Museum, I am truly sorry.
It really was the most unexpected, unforgettable and unbelievable experience you could have ever had.
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Guess we’ll never get to the bottom
of who chewed up the pillow 🤷🏻♀️
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Ryan Gosling performing I’m just Ken at the Oscars is everything.
Please please please let it be his turn soon.
#TheOscars
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True story, the museum itself couldn’t actually remember who these ones were meant to be.
If you never got to visit Great Yarmouth’s Waxwork Museum, I am truly sorry.
It really was the most unexpected, unforgettable and unbelievable experience you could have ever had.
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The Christian Horner messages aren’t exactly earth shattering, but as we can clearly see, he DID send a couple of dick pics.
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When you lied on your CV about having previous sheepdog experience.
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So I’m crying.
And now, unless you have no heart, you’re crying.
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I would imagine the people that are seriously tweeting to
#SackWhitty
and
#SackVallance
are the same fuckwits that take advice from “medical experts” Denise Welch, Ian Brown and Noel Gallagher.
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Lettuce crisis update: Government to build a wall and rabbits to pay for it.
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Went to neighbourhood watch meeting last night AND IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
It was literally like being in an Agatha Christie book. At one point even the clock chimed!
Everyone was about 109, mega posh and me & my friend got drunk on awful sherry and it was brilliant.
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I don't think the "cut and paste" option has ever been more needed.
http://t.co/k4ehwxZjIa
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So today, I was fired from the accountancy firm I've worked at since 2014.
What a waste of 7 years.
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If I get run over by a bus, will someone come to my house, say once a week, and shut all the cupboard doors and drawers for my husband??
Sadly, he suffers from a very rare condition that makes him completely unable to shut any door, EVER, himself.
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Every so often, I share this again. For any new followers and those of you that may have missed out.
This clip is unrivalled in any film ever made.
Ever.
I’m not sure how many Oscars this glorious cinematic masterpiece received back in the day, and frankly it doesn’t matter, because it wouldn’t be enough.
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The official birthday photo.
Paddington is 9 ❤️
Doesn’t have a clue what’s going on but he has cake, a new ball, a new toy and a mental family that sings to him.
Happy birthday Paddington.
(Official birthday photo to follow later) 🥰
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Wouldn’t it be great to meet each day with the level of optimism Paddington has every morning while waiting for the same breakfast he’s had for the last 9 years.
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Paddington: You are my life. My purpose. I will do anything for you.
Me: Drop the ball.
Paddington: Go fuck yourself.
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Yesterday, my 15 year old daughter was horrified to discover that when she learns to drive, she’ll be driving on real roads.
“What, even THE VERY FIRST TIME?? I’ll be on an ACTUAL road?? I thought there was a massive private car park somewhere where everyone learns!”.
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This was on Rate My Plate as Pork Wellington with pommes frites served with haricot beans in a tomato jus 😂
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If I had a time machine, I’d travel back to 1987 and go skiing with this lot.
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I see you Madeley,
with Shrek and that lass,
Shrek and that lass,
Shrek and that lass,
I see you Madeley…
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A man at the butchers in Waitrose today said enthusiastically it was ���lovely to see me”. I started waffling on, trying to not look like I didn’t know who he was.
He then quietly said “I was talking to the man behind you.”
Now I have to fake my own death or online shop forever.
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Quite possibly the best Waxwork you’ll have ever seen, from the Great Yarmouth museum.
If you never got to visit Great Yarmouth’s Waxwork Museum, I am truly sorry.
It really was the most unexpected, unforgettable and unbelievable experience you could have ever had.
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Praise the lord! Let it be known a miracle has happened in my house!!
Husband spent 4 hours in bed today miserably dying with" man flu", but is now well enough to go out for his boys curry this evening!! 🙏🏻
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I got my mum a Hotel Chocolat velvetiser for Christmas and every time she has one she sends me a photo of it 😬😂❤️
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“Pull out the Persian rug mother, I wish to drag my anus across it.”
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May your Saturday be a happy as Paddington’s breakfast dance.
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I have googled many times symptoms for
#Menopause
, and not once has “may vanish into thin air forever” come up as one of them.
What a shower of shit Lancashire Police are.
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Lost my car keys in Waitrose tonight.
After 20 mins finally found them, went to my car & it wouldn’t open. I kept trying, snapped & screamed “FOR FUCKS SAKE OPEN YOU TWAT” when a man appeared & explained it was his car I was trying to open, mine was 2 rows behind.
🎄FALALA!🎄
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When he challenged me to think “outside the box”for his advent calendar.
There was no box, and there was 24 packets. 😏
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Oooh, your steak looks nice mum.
Wait, what am I having for dinner? Brown pebbles again? Wow, that must be what, 9 years in a row now?! I’m so fucking excited.
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We been married for 20 years today.
What's our secret to a long happy marriage?
Never wanting a divorce at the same time.
Please enjoy this photo of us from 1907.
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Barney ripped up Paddingtons bed last night, so today we went to Pets at Home to get him a new one and he made a beeline for this one on the shelf and sat on it 😂
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I’m going to RT this every hour until the whole of Twitter has seen it.
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So the guy I was chatting to in doctors surgery tonight, his 50 year old wife has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, weeks to live. He also had to have his 11 year old Labrador put to sleep yesterday.
Then I read about Steve Wright and I couldn’t see walking back to my car.
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My beautiful mum is 71 today.
She would love to get 71 likes for her birthday.
Not really. She has no fucking idea what Twitter is. I just wanted to show her off. 😊
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Got my friends dog a ball for Xmas, she’s just sent me this.
She refuses to be parted with it and walks around like this all day.
I think she knows she’s smiling 😊
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Fucking hell.
Just dropped a kitkat down the side of the sofa and got my arm stuck for a half a nanosecond as I was reaching for it, so I now know exactly how the mountain climber who was trapped for 127 hours and ended up cutting his arm off to live, felt.
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I have no idea what he is looking at.
Pretty sure he doesn’t either.
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When my husband says he has to clean the shower glass properly after I use it and I reply I have to clean the rest of the house everyday after he uses it.
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Paddington just read the Gregg Wallace My Saturday article.
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Husband went skiing a couple of weeks ago, he lent one of the guys his old skis and boots for the week.
The man popped round earlier, with a gift to say thank you.
This is the gift.
A bowl that he made. YES. MADE. HE MADE THIS BOWL.
(And yes I checked, I can’t drink it).
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Just found a bit of chocolate stuck to my bra.
I ate it.
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I always get my dad a box of liquorice for Christmas as a small extra, it’s his favourite.
I’ve just discovered he actually hates liquorice. Apparently he never had the heart to tell me, as the first time I got him some I paid for it out of my first paper round money. 😭
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So I’ve completed Dry January for the first time!
I’d like to say how much better I’ve felt, that I’ve slept really well and my skin is so much brighter!
I’d like to say all that stuff, but I can’t, because it not true.
Will I do it again next year? Will I fuck.
*pops cork*
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Well. This is lovely and tragically heartbreaking all at once.
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On the eve of Paddington’s birthday, I’ll NEVER be able to top the time Barney was all pissed off and jealous it was Paddingtons birthday, but soon cheered up the following day when it was his own birthday.
Selfish twat.
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