Susan Calman
@SusanCalman
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273,228
Following
412
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5,761
Statuses
36,914
Hello. I like cats. I'm a comedian and writer. I'm on television sometimes. I think you look smashing. Instagram: OfficialSusanCalman. Tweets by Susan and team
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Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Sunny Side Up will be available on paperback from the 16 May! You can also buy it on kindle or audiobook (read by me obvs). Cheer Up Love (my first book) is also available in all formats.
Look at me! I'm a paperback writer!
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I’m a gay woman. I recycle a lot. I rescue cats. I pay my taxes and contribute to my local community. I want to be Batman. I’d also like a fully functioning model railway in my back garden. I dance like everyone is watching. I’m kind. I hate bigotry. But sure. I’m the problem.
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Tonight I'm Daenerys Targaryen on
@bbcstrictly
. I just got a message from Daenerys Targaryen herself. Seriously. It's actually her *swoons*
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Seriously. If you’re bothering your arse to tweet me that you hate me on the television. Have a think. Seriously. Have a sodding think. It’s a television programme. The world has gone to hell in a handcart. Be nice for a bit. Or switch off.
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Thanks to everyone who voted for us in Strictly. I've had the time of my life dancing with
@keviclifton
. It's been a pleasure from start to finish. I've had the time of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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There's a grammatical mistake in my last tweet. It's been pointed out to me. So I apologise for the mistake's in the tweet's that I sented. I know how much grammar upset's people. I was just sending's a light hearted tweeter. Illll remembered next time to get it righted.
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I've had lots of tweets and e mails from people who have kids and their wee ones are upset we left Strictly. Please let them know that it's all good and that winning isn't everything. Being happy and trying your best is brilliant. Give them a hug from me x
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If you disagree with me about Doctor Who that’s cool. But you don’t need to tweet me about it. It’s absolutely fine to let someone be happy about something, just for a while. If you don’t love this Doctor best unfollow me. Because I’ll be writing her a love letter every Sunday.
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A few years ago if I saw the weather forecast was good I’d spend the day in a beer garden. Now my first thought is “I could get at least two big washes out on the whirligig”. I’ve been up since 7am washing duvet covers. Might get three loads out. What a time to be alive.
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All my life I've thought I was fat and ugly. I feel beautiful for the first time. Schmaltzy maybe. But true and bloody brilliant. It's not just about dancing for me. It's life changing.
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Thank you for all the gorgeous tweets. I’m leaving with wonderful memories of a magical time. It’s what Strictly is all about.
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We had to say goodbye to DCI Jane Tennison today.
She was my little shadow and my absolute sweetheart. But she was unwell and we didn’t want her to suffer. She was much loved and will be so missed. Our hearts are breaking.
Love you DCI, always will.
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Be kind today. And every day. To yourself and others. It makes a difference.
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May I introduce DCI Vera Stanhope and Margo Leadbetter (she’s the fluffy one). They’re our new rescue cats who’ve stolen our hearts. They’re settling in nicely and we will carefully introduce them to our other girls when everyone is ready. We adore them beyond measure.
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Just spent ten minutes talking to a Marks and Spencer’s plastic bag because I didn’t have my glasses on and I thought it was my cat.
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Every year we put the Christmas tree up for about 5 minutes. Then we take it down again.
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46 today. I don’t feel a day over 46.
It’s my birthday, we’re going to party like it’s my birthday. In accordance with all current legislation and regulations. So just having a quiet one really.
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I cried because we're off to Blackpool. Never thought it would happen. Thanks to all of you who voted. It's just the best thing. You're all amazing.
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2.30am. Can’t sleep. It’s snowing rather heavily in Glasgow. I’ve got myself a cup of tea and a penguin biscuit and I’m sitting in the dark watching the snowflakes fall outside. Peaceful. Quiet. Biscuit. Lovely biscuit.
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Last night was a bit of a panic. Cat somehow got stuck behind the water tank. Plumber arrived, dismantled tank and freed the cat (who is fine). He refused payment because he likes helping people but asked us to donate to a charity instead. So we did.
Not all heroes wear capes
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My favourite photo of my Mum and Dad. They were courting and clearly heading to Hogwarts. She’s just as lovely now as she was then. Thank you for reading my Mother’s Day tweet.
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Went to my local supermarket to do my weekly shop. Lots of food (and toilet roll), no one was panic buying. I only bought what I needed for the week and left. Other people were doing the same. Doesn't make for an exciting tweet but it's a nice calm one.
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From now on I’m going to arrive into every room like this owl who has a stick. And everyone else will react like the little middle owl. And I will be like an owl with a big stick. And I will be magnificent.
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My dance boyfriend is
@keviclifton
. Couldn't be happier. Strictly is a dream come true.
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Deleted my tweet asking people to be nice on Twitter because I realised it would make people be a bit rubbish to me. I just want people to be a thoughtful right now. You have no idea what anyone is going through at the moment. Just be a bit kinder if you can. Thanks.
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To be absolutely clear, I'm not a sodding disease. If you come into contact with me the only information you might be exposed to is the fact that I hate cheese. Oh and I also hate bigotry and the constant ignorance displayed about LGBTQI people. And cheese. Really hate cheese.
Andrea Leadsom on row over teaching kids about LGBT relationships - says parents should get to decide when their children "become exposed to that information"
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I’m staying in a hotel, and every morning when I go downstairs this gentle lady is waiting for me.
She looks a bit sad but she’s not. She’s just sleepy, as am I. She has the softest ears and I’ve fallen in love with her.
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Often people ask me why I post so many pictures of my cats. It’s because every morning I wake up and read more news about what some humans do to each other. These animals give nothing but love. I need love in the world. Here’s more pictures of my cats.
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Through to week ten. Thank you to everyone who voted. You're magnificent and you're the reason why we're still dancing xx
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For those who've recently joined me on Twitter, now that Strictly is over normal service will resume. Tweets about
1.Cats
2.Helen Mirren
3.Trains
4.Batman
5.Kindness
6.Cats
Hope you’ll stay with me.
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When we first adopted Dr Abigail Bartlet she was very unwell, tiny and extremely weak. Two years later she’s still tiny but rules the house with gentle paws. This is her judging me for no particular reason. Rescue animals make fabulous supreme leaders.
#adoptdontshop
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I wanted to do Strictly to prove that I could do something terrifying if I just believed in myself. I'd love to get to Blackpool but no matter what happens I think I've done that. Because if I can be Wonder Woman, anyone can.
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By the way if you don’t like autumn you really don’t need to tweet and tell me. It is entirely possible to just let someone be happy about something and express that positive emotion. Even on twitter.
I love Autumn. The colours make everything seem like a celebration. Went to the supermarket this morning through a tickertape parade of leaves. Gorgeous.
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Oh and if you don't like my dance tonight no need to tell me. I'm having the time of my life. Sometimes joy should just be left to shine.
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While filming Miranda Does Christmas for Channel 4 I met David Tennant. This photo captures the precise moment when a Doctor Who nerd loses her mind with happiness.
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Nothing to see here. Just my cat hugging her teddy bear. Excuse me, I appear to have something in my eye.
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I've campaigned for LGBT equality for many years. Now I'd just like to dance.
@SusanCalman
Shame you aren't using this platform to campaign for same sex couples on Strictly and not giving in to gender norms.
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All I want for Christmas are Dauphinoise potatoes but I know that makes for a less romantic song and it wouldn’t scan properly. So I smile and sing “All I want for Christmas is you” but really, I’m always thinking about those potatoes. Always.
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I’m 45 today. I had pancakes for breakfast. They were smashing.
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In response to the incredible weather due today I actually uttered the words "I didn't think I'd get another chance to dry the bedding outside this year, it's so exciting"
My life is the very definition of excitement
*Dances round Whirlygig*
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In 1996 I graduated with a degree in law from
@UofGlasgow
. Today I become a Doctor of the University when I was awarded an honorary degree. The Doctor will see you now. What a wonderful thing.
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On Strictly, I promised the audience I’d get a specific tattoo if me and
@keviclifton
got to Blackpool.
1. I always keep my promises
2. I added a sun for Bring Me Sunshine
3. It’s full of joy and a reminder of what I can achieve if I dance outside my comfort zone. I love it!
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Feeling rather anxious about everything right now. So I’m logging out of social media for a bit as it’s just making things worse. I’m going to watch all of the Marvel films in order. That will help. Definitely. Stay cool y’all.
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It’s my wedding anniversary. I have to leave for an overnight work trip. Left my wife some Angel Delight in the fridge so she can have a special pudding tonight. Fancy party bowl and everything (it’s chilled hence the condensation). Romance doesn’t die, it just gets more retro
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I'm someone who hasn't been hugely happy at times in my life. Dancing makes me feel fab. Truly, brilliantly happy. That's pretty wonderful.
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Through to week 7. Never thought it would happen. And it's because of you lot voting and
@keviclifton
's brilliance. Thank you so much x
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A series of photos entitled “Cats in a Christmas tree”.
I now decorate the garden with lights so the wee smashers don’t destroy the decorations or hurt themselves and said tree stays in a cupboard.
I’d rather have the cats. My gorgeous festive idiots.
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Sent my Mum my official Strictly photo. She said I looked beautiful. I had a bit of a cry. A happy cry.
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Terrible news. Someone took the time to go to my Facebook page to post that they stopped watching my show because the "fat, ugly" presenter made him feel sick.
Watch Secret Scotland on
@channel5_tv
Friday at 8pm. I'd love to get a second series just to annoy people like him
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I don't swear a lot on Twitter but fuck. Fuck this. I'm off to have a rant at the sky for my mentor and my mate. He made The News Quiz. I'm devastated and sending love to his family. What a wonderful man
Comedian Jeremy Hardy, regular on Radio 4's The News Quiz, has died of cancer, publicist confirms
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I replied to someone who was clearly an awful human being. I deleted the tweet after I realised his sole aim was to create conflict. I don’t like that. I’d rather spend my time on twitter with happy things.
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I’m now starting every work video call I take part in by saying “My personal assistant will be joining us to take notes. I assume no one has any objections?”
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This is why I love where I live. My neighbours saw my tweet about needing wine and left a present for us on the garden wall. That’s community spirit that is. We can get through snowmageddon now. What a lovely thing.
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Off to London Town for something lovely and brilliant. I bought sandwiches for the train journey. The train left at 10.40am. It's 10.46am. The sandwiches have already been eaten.
Every time Calman. You do this every time.
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Little pleases me more than an empty carriage on the Glasgow Underground. Moments after this video was taken I recreated the train fight scene from Skyfall. I played all the parts. But I had to be quick. We were almost at Partick station.
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Hope you enjoyed the quickstep. I loved every moment. Vote for us to stay in and we will keep dancing xxx
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Morning all. I started the day searching the Internet for cats with moustaches. Highly recommend.
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Social distancing has made me realise....
1. Knowing what day of the week it is doesn’t matter.
2. I am only ever wearing trousers with an elasticated waist from now on. This is non negotiable.
3. Waving at people from a distance is brilliant. Especially if you really go for it.
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Hurrah! Well done
@keviclifton
and
@StaceyDooley
! You could probably hear my cheers from Glasgow. So pleased for you. Worthy winners and all round gorgeous people. What a wonderful night.
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This is not my cat. This is the cat from next door. This is the display I get every time I leave my house. It takes me half an hour to leave the house.
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Spent the afternoon with one of my heroes. He was kind, funny and wonderful and our chat will be on
@BBCTheOneShow
soon. A Thursday spent with Billy Connolly is a rather brilliant one. I’m still giddy with joy.
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I would like to get another cat and name it Lady Hale. I can think of no greater gesture to show my respect. Thank you for reading this public service announcement. *Statement ends*
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My Valentine’s card came with a badge this year. After seventeen years this is the best proclamation of love. My wife is a wonderful romantic.
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Everything is a bit depressing in the world just now. This is Dr Abigail Bartlet when she was a tiny kitten. I hope it helps.
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A few years ago, when I lived in a flat, a delivery person left my parcel "in a safe place". I don't know if you can spot the package in this photo because they did such a great job of making sure no one would steal it.
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Sitting having a coffee at the station when a woman handed me this note. She didn’t want to bother me but wanted me to have it.
#WhyWeDance
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When you've waited your whole life for something and it finally arrives and is as beautiful as you'd hoped it's quite marvellous. I thought it was wonderful. The show was wonderful. She was wonderful. I'm utterly in love with the Doctor.
#ShesMyDoctor
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Look, I could tweet loads of things right now but in all honesty I just hope you’re all ok. Genuinely.
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In a hotel room in Bristol on my own. Just got an answer right in Only Connect. It’s a very rare event. I cheered with joy and punched the air. Loneliest victory ever.
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This is the face of a woman delighted that she won the “guess the weight of the cabbage” competition at the Merrylee Plotholders Association Allotment Open Day. What a warm welcome from wonderful people. And I won a 6 lb 4 oz cabbage. Delighted.
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To be honest I've been ready to self isolate since 1992.
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What kind of man choreographs a feminist samba? The best man I know. I adore
@keviclifton
.
💥
@SusanCalman
, a hero in your satin tights, fighting for your rights. WONDER WOMAN!
@keviclifton
#Strictly
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Excited to introduce two new members of the family. Velma Dinkley and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Adorable little rescue cats who we will get in a few weeks. Our plan to adopt all the cats in the world is progressing well.
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Me: Do you have any Batman Wallpaper?
Salesperson: Is it for a child's bedroom?
Me: No
Salesperson: Playroom?
Me: I don't have children.
Salesperson: So..
Me: Can't a 43 year old woman have Batman wallpaper?
Salesperson: Sure.
Me: Fab. Now. do you have any Wonder Woman curtains?
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I haven't worn heels or a dress since I was 17. Haven't danced with a man in over a decade. Strictly, I'm ready.
#WhoLeads
?
#CalmanCanCanCan
Stand up for
@SusanCalman
! The comedian, actress and writer is our latest signing for
#Strictly
2017! 🎭💃✨
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This is a series of photos entitled “My wife leaves her horrible plastic clogs around the house in such a way that it looks like she’s been suddenly, silently and peacefully, abducted by aliens”
Art.
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Home. And I have the most magnificent souvenir of the best show in the world.
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Me, entering the kitchen, when I remember that I bought custard creams.
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17 years ago today I went on my first date with
@LeeCormack
. This is a photo of us in 2003. We haven’t changed a bit.
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I was the girl who sat on the sidelines at the school dance. Tomorrow I'm on Strictly. Brilliant things come to those who wait.
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Hogmanay plan
1. Make nest on sofa
2. Start rewatching Game of Thrones from the very beginning
3. Snack
4. Continue watching Game of Thrones
5. Order curry
6. Eat curry
7. Continue watching Game of Thrones
8. Bed
Have a lovely one whatever you're up to. Stay safe out there
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No filter. All natural. Scotland is looking might fine today.
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To everyone who has voted for me and
@keviclifton
. Thank you. I have never been happier in my life. You are wonderful.
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I’ve escaped to Arran for the weekend. The view from the ferry lifts my heart.
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Devastated by this news today. Tim was funny, kind and an incredible man in every way. Sitting beside him on I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue was a privilege. Our duets will be moments I treasure forever. My dear friend. Sending all my love to his family
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I have a 5 year old niece. I want her to know that no one (man or woman) should make her feel bad about how she looks. Strictly is for her.
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Woken at 5am by the cat as it was cold and she wanted under the duvet for a heat. Cat then fell asleep and snored as I lay half out of the bed, wide awake. Cat is still asleep with her head on my pillow. I am up. There’s something wrong with the power structure in my house.
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After the latest announcement my wife said “it’s just the two of us now. I can teach you to play chess. We have all the time in the world”. Then she smiled like an utter psychopath. So I’m sure it’s all going to be fine.
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Delighted to finally announce my new job! I’m spending nine weeks in Stratford Upon Avon filming The Great British Menu. I get to present 29 episodes of prime time food joy. I’m in heaven!! Read more here!
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Twitter is often quite awful. But it can also be absolutely lovely. I stay for the kittens.
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Social distancing is going well. Me and the wife are having a great time just the two of us. Tonight we had an hour long discussion about whether we liked bifold doors or not. Conclusion - we don’t mind them. So that was good.
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This is just wonderful.
I don't suppose you've seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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Just a quick tip. If I tweet that I like someone and you tweet me back with something rude about that person I will block you. Especially if I’ve “@“ the person I admire into the tweet because then they’ll see your remark. It’s rude and unkind. I won’t have it. Thanks.
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Filming in Northumberland. Decided to go all in with a Vera tribute.
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Haven’t been very well. Slept in the spare room last night so that I didn’t bother anyone. Woke up sweating in the middle of the night and panicked that my temperature was through the roof again. I was just covered in five, very hot, little cats. Bless them.
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Morning. Can I just say that you're all looking smashing today. Is that a new cardigan? I know I feel jaunty when I wear a new cardigan. Whatever it is you look the bees knees. Have a super day whatever you're up to.
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Train manager has informed us that we will be stuck on the train for "an indefinite period of time" How very reassuring. No point in getting annoyed of course but I do hope I'm off before Christmas. I'm in charge of the sprouts this year.
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