Shuffle T
@Shuffle_T
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Are you aware all of this is rhyming? ‘Yeah, I Know...’ EP 1/2 of UK 2on2 Battle Rap Title Holder/professional writer/author/host of @soundslikeshow
Joined July 2012
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Have a watch of my latest battle here.
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OMG how have I never clocked
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Feebee
Rachel
It’s Monica
Eeyup Chandler!
Nnnnnjoey
David
Schwimmer
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Little thing I wrote today. I fucking hate my voice but it’s the only one I have.
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The phrase 'don't knock it until you've tried it' is really confusing when you're trying to purchase a door.
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The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.
Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.
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Just a reminder that bibbidy bobbedy boo rhymes with Mission Impossible 2.
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My girlfriend said “I believe in you” and it made me happy.
But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.
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This picture of Tobey Maguire looks like he's pretending to understand a joke after it's been explained to him for the second time.
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Wordplay for the sake of wordplay isn't always a good thing.
Four eggs arm pull.
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My girlfriend thinks I’m arrogant.
A little while ago I could see she was upset.
I went “What’s the problem?”
She said “People like you!”
I said “Yeah they do seem to, don’t they? Thanks hun.”
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Decaffeinated coffee...? Yeah... cheers...
Can I also get some of that non-healing medicine and a bottle of dehydrating water.
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Imagine there are 3 people called Mark.
The leader’s named Mark Question.
One of the lesser Mark doubts the leader, so the other lesser Mark is appalled:
“You dare question Mark Question, Mark?” Questioned Mark.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
Thanks.
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One of the best Rhymes in the Wild I’ve ever heard. SO relevant!!!!
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Just clocked ‘listen’ is an anagram of ‘silent’.
There’s something in that.
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You CAN decorate your sofa with pictures of Death in a hooded cloak.
But there will be grim repercussions.
Disclaimer: This joke needs a northern accent to work.
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My wife has half the organs in her body than she did on the first day of the month and it’s the best thing she’s ever done.
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Uber lied that our stag party spilled Kopperberg in the back of the car, so I responded.
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It's been 8 years since I stumbled drunk onto a rap battle stage in London and took part for the 1st time, since then I've had 36 battles, a title, performed abroad, and I wouldn't change a single second.
I'd change the entire 8 fucking years, what a waste of time this has been.
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Here’s a bit me and
@TheoKaiMarlow
scrapped for our next two on two title match against Loso and A Ward.
5th November, Oslo, Hackney, London. Tickets available
@DontFlop
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I’m sorry about this, but I wanted to share this thing I wrote for my son.
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Years ago
@PedroDontFlop
quite literally said:
negative/positive,
pessimist/optimist,
terrorists/hostages,
everything’s opposite
And he needs some kind of financial compensation for it.
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You CAN hit a drum twice in a row... But there will be re-percussions.
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Getting a tattoo of an abacus because you can only count on yourself.
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People who say I’m self absorbed obviously haven’t seen how humble I am in the documentary I made about myself.
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Got an email the other day:
"At Google Earth, we're so good we can read maps backwards"
I thought "that's just spam."
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Just ONCE I would love to see Ricky Gervais tackle the topic of religion. I’d love to hear what he has to say on it.
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My girlfriend said:
"sometimes I think you only hear what you want to hear, but that's just because you're really cool and everyone likes you"
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White man raps
"Copied Eminem"
Black guy raps
"Copied Tupac"
Horse raps
"Oh my god, a rapping horse."
Double standards.
Sick of it.
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Excerpt from
@ogmiosmusic
new BBC show Zen Motoring, which I acted and battled in for Eps 5&6. The whole show is brilliant and unique and he is a very clever boy.
Here is me and why you should get 1to1 coaching sessions with ya boi.
DM me. Namaste.
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Controversial moment from our Germany battle...! Buy my fucking book and get a personalised battle verse commissioned.
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Got kicked out of a wine tasting for referring to a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape 2012 as a ‘flirty little cunt’.
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My father wrote a book on elephants.
But then he fell off of the elephant.
Because the joke is that the word ‘on’ has been given its alternative usage to mean ‘atop’ and not ‘regarding’.
This story is fictitious.
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First minute of our battle. About 4 line’s worth of material. Get you that PPV on Vimeo right now. I guarantee you it’s worth it for every single battle.
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Had to vent some shite about spoken word in this latest battle. Get the PPV. It’s a banger.
@DontFlop
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Still the biggest travesty of our generation that this didn’t go hyper-mega-viral when I know it is by far the finest thing I have ever created. Shame on everyone.
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You know what really separates the men from the boys?
Social services.
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Troubled War Vet: "Have you ever seen the life drain from a man's eyes?"
Me: "No, but I've been meaning to for ages. Is it on Netflix?"
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New battle! Shuffle T vs
@ShottyHorroh
Probably my favourite battle I’ve been in and defo my best performance! Give it a watch and let me know what you think. <3 xoxoxoxoxox
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Does this scan?
My wife was in a mood so I said “what’s made you upset?”
She said “arrogant people like you”
I said “not just arrogant people, EVERYONE likes me”
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I appreciate all the public feedback, opinions and takes on this latest battle. I couldn’t be happier with my performance, once in a lifetime battle for me, I think. Proper proud. If it could get to 1bn views that would be whatever.
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Just got fined £50 for slide tackling the fuck out of a Bichon Frise.
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“I’M DIFFERENT!!!! I AM DIFFERENT!!!!”
- battle rappers having just performed a ‘defeat’ bar.
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I used to be a gambling addict. I lost my wife, my kids and my car.
Should’ve just stuck to betting with money.
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A man lies under a tree. The wind whistling back the years,
The branches hang over him like a whispering chandelier,
The grass bed beneath him tickles his back and ears,
As he sips from a can of beer,
And he drinks in the atmosphere.
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Played a chess game. With my Czech mate. I said ‘check mate’. He said ‘are you sure that’s in the rules?’ I said ‘I don’t know, why don’t you check, mate. Either way - I beat you so you owe me a tenner’
He said ‘will you take a cheque, mate?’
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So if I win this one, I would have the 2on2 AND the solo title, which nobody’s had in the UK before, so it’s obviously a pretty big deal. You can come if you want, I get a +1 so if Marlo can’t make it you can definitely come and then you just get the drinks and we’ll call it even
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To the person who stole Sounds Like merch and those copies of the Advanced Rhyming Dictionary from my car last night.
You may have fantastic taste, you may have hit the motherlode in terms of booty, you may now be a fantastic rhymer as well as thief, but you are, indeed, a cunt
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Why do they call it 'Fantasy Football' when you just use players from real life?
I'd have Gandalf in midfield and Hagrid in goal.
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I’d probably let you battle me if you wanted, you’ve earned a shot.
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Can we please ban this conversation?
“What did you get up to over the weekend?”
“Nothing, to be honest, just chilled out.”
“Yeah, well that’s nice, sometimes though isn’t it?”
“Yeah exactly.”
How many signatures do we need for something to go through parliament?
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30 years old and I’ve ONLY just learned that ‘movie’ was slang for a film because it was a picture that ‘moved’ as in a ‘motion picture’. A movie. For fuck sake.
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Not QUITE true.
Instagram, I did nothing wrong. Why can’t I use my account?!
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This is my favourite opening line I’ve ever written! From Shuffle T Vs 100 Bulletz, 2015, colourised.
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Loved this line. Went through about 10 drafts of it before I was happy with it... v fun battle and only £2 per clash on the card for the PPV. Buy it now.
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You know what REALLY separates the men from the boys?
Social services.
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Love when people try to make you feel dumb by saying things online like “it’s basic physics”
Mate, I do not know basic physics.
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Nothing makes me feel stupider than ‘liking’ an Instagram picture of Nicki Minaj.
Overcome with lust for 5 seconds I double tap it to show her my appreciation.
What am I hoping for?
What am I expecting?
Men are the stupidest things to have ever existed.
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Is this what you have to do? Is there a metric to it? 1 slur = 1 visit? How many Mosques, temples and Gurdwaras does Jim Davidson have to go to per calendar year?
KSI at Al-Hikam Institute mosque, learning and educating himself ❤️
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