Modern Seinfeld
@SeinfeldToday
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What if Seinfeld were still on the air? (Tweets by @JackPMoore and @JoshGondelman .)
New York, NY
Joined December 2012
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Jerry gets paranoid about his girlfriend’s past when her iPhone automatically connects to the wi-fi at Newman’s apartment.
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When George falls for a Twitter bot, Kramer claims he once Catfished himself. J:How’s that even possible? K:Oh I’m good Jerry. I’m real good
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both."
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George rejects a Tinder girl when all her photos feature multiple girls. E:”What if she’s the pretty one?” G:“How naive can you be, Elaine?"
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George is pissed when he shows his GF a funny pic on his phone & she begins swiping through his photos. G:"She swiped!" J:"You can't swipe!"
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Kramer rents out his apartment every night on Airbnb & lives in the hallway. K:“I’m making cash hand over fist, Jerry!” J:“You’re homeless!"
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Kramer thinks the NSA is spying on him, so he goes "off the grid." Except he uses Jerry's phone, computer & email. "You're just on MY grid!"
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Jerry & George compete to pick up the same woman on a plane. When Jerry sneezes, George jokes about Ebola & gets them both quarantined.
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Jerry refuses to go to a Cash Only diner. J:"They’ve seen the credit card! They know the credit card! It’s time to accept the credit card!"
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George’s Facebook photo is used in online ads for penis enlargement. Kramer tries to pumpkin spice every food.
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Jerry’s Twitter's hacked. People like "Hacked Jerry” better. George tries to get trampled on Black Friday so he can sue. Everyone is polite.
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George goes to war with an evil barista who writes embarrassing things on George's cup instead of his name.
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After her fuck buddy texts her that she should come over to "watch Netflix," Elaine is pissed when he actually just wants to watch Netflix.
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Kramer tries not to watch the World Cup after "overdosing" in 2010. "The highs are high, but the lows? Oh, they're low! They're low, Jerry!"
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Kramer gets lost in the Super Dome on his way to his seats at the Super Bowl. Accidentally knocks out all the lights.
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George refuses to listen to his GF's voicemails, gets dumped. “It’s 2015! Send a text! I don’t want to hear your voice if I don’t have to!”
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George's GF wants a "no phones at dinner" rule. G: "We had a good thing going, Jerry! Now we're supposed to talk? That can only end badly!"
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When the WiFi George usually steals suddenly has a password, he becomes addicted to trying to “hack” in. J:“Just get your own!” G:“NEVER!"
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Jerry’s girlfriend won’t stop saying that she “literally can’t.” “What?! Can’t what?! Finish your sentence!"
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George is too scared to break up with his intimidating girlfriend so he just repeatedly responds to her texts with “New phone. Who’s this?"
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Jerry gets stuck on a never-ending group text. “You used to be able to avoid people! Now they can choose to live in your pocket forever!"
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Elaine's excited about her new bf til he shows up on New Years wearing 2014 glasses. Kramer celebrates on London time to "avoid the crowds."
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Elaine’s BF notices she has no Instagrams with black people. She awkwardly tries to take pics w/ black co-workers to prove she’s not racist.
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Jerry's GF texts in the movies but acts like it's okay because she sits in the last row. GF:Who am I bothering?! J:Me! You're bothering me!
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Jerry's gf dumps him for not wishing her happy bday on Facebook. J:"I said it to her face!" E:"But her friends can't see that &get jealous."
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Elaine is furious when her coworker calls her "basic.” J:"That’s ridiculous!” E:"Thank you.” J:"If anything, you're too complicated."
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When George’s ex changes her HBOGo password, George tries to reconcile with her just long enough to get the new one.
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Elaine's bf constantly starts texts but never sends them. E:"If I get the bubble w/ three dots I want a text!" J:"The bubble's not binding!"
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Jerry’s GF always smokes an e-cig in bed. GF:”But it's vapor.” J:”You say that like vapor’s something I want. I don’t want vapor! No vapor!"
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Newman reads the Game Of Thrones books just to spoil the new season for Jerry. Kramer sells the milk from his finished bowls of cereal.
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Elaine suspects her bf is gay when he's mysteriously busy during pride weekend. Kramer helps her investigate, ends up leading the parade.
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Kramer is addicted to Candy Crush, but suspects one of the levels is impossible to beat. "They're modern day carnies, Jerry! It's a con!"
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George gets an OkCupid message from an ex who dumped & doesn't remember him. George goes on the date so HE can dump HER. She dumps him again
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George’s GF refuses to tag herself on Facebook in any photos with George. G:“It’s like she’s hiding something, Jerry!” J:”She is. You."
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Elaine goes nuts trying to analyze her boyfriend’s one word text. “You can’t send the letter K with a period! A period is too aggressive!"
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George swipes right for every woman on Tinder. E:"What if you're not attracted to her?" G:"If she's attracted to me, I might be!"
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Jerry’s GF calls him bae. J:”How hard is it to say an extra b! Babe!” K:”No. It’s an acronym!” J:”How do you know that?” K:”How do you not?"
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Kramer tries to avoid all March Madness news for a month, so he can DVR the whole tournament and binge-watch it later.
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Elaine loves the way her new boyfriend smells, but when she discovers he uses Axe Body Spray, she begins to question her entire life.
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Kramer hosts a "non-recorded" podcast. K:"It's just like a podcast, but no microphones." J:"So a conversation?" K:"You don't get it Jerry!"
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Kramer meets Peyton Manning before the game and convinces him to stop saying Omaha. K: "Change it up! What's the worst that could happen?"
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Inspired by LeBron, George tries to reunite w/ an ex he dumped. She slaps him J:"He's the LeBron of basketball.You're the LeBron of nothing"
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Elaine’s boyfriend won’t stop posting BuzzFeed quiz results. “Stop it! You’re none of these people! And you’re a grown man! "
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When George brings his GF to Festivus only for her to dump him after agreeing with his dad's grievances, George vows to destroy the holiday.
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George suspects the girl he’s meeting from OkCupid is using fake pictures but he can’t confront her because he is too.
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At a Giants game, George intercepts a football that a player meant for another fan. When he won't give it up, he becomes nationally reviled.
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Jerry's GF dumps him when he tweets a joke making fun of Beyoncé. J:"I don't get it!" E:"People don't like jokes about their religion."
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Kramer pitches an insane ad to McDonald’s. “Sure everyone loves your burgers but what if you made it seem like your burgers loved everyone?"
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Jerry takes a date to Tim Whatley's Super Bowl party. She dumps Jerry when he cries at a commercial."What? The dog really loved that horse!"
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Jerry meets an amazing woman on JDate but when he begins to suspect she's faking her Judaism, Kramer volunteers to investigate.
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George wants a tattoo to impress his hipster GF but can't handle the pain. She dumps him when she sees his finger has half a mustache on it.
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Jerry's girlfriend dumps him for inadequately tipping a delivery guy during a blizzard but it's so cold she won't leave his apartment.
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Kramer has a scheme to sell off spots in Black Friday lines. But when the other shoppers find out about it they purposely trample him.
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Newman and Kramer intercept a shipment of Denver World Champions t-shirts meant for Uganda. K:"I'll never have to buy undershirts again!"
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Elaine discovers that an erotic best seller may be based on Kramer's life. Jerry's GF makes a terrible web series he has to pretend to like.
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Kramer helps couples navigate their way out of Ikea for money. It goes well until a group of roving intimidating Swedes start following him.
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When Jerry dumps a woman who works for Time Warner Cable, his Internet stops working. She won’t get it fixed unless he takes her out again.
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When a website claims Jerry is dead, he’s annoyed people aren’t more upset. It turns out Newman runs a website that spreads death hoaxes.
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George accidentally reveals to his GF’s son that Santa’s not real. Kramer pretends to be homeless because one shelter has a good Xmas feast.
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Kramer is paranoid that autocorrect is trying to read his mind. Jerry's GF makes him do a juice cleanse. It slowly drives him crazy.
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Elaine Instagrams other people's photos to seem cool. A cute guy falls for Instagram Elaine but real Elaine can’t live up to her fake life.
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Elaine’s coworker is creepily obsessed with Frozen & brings it up constantly. “You’re a grown woman! It’s for children! This is not cute!”
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George promises not to watch House Of Cards without his GF but can’t help himself. She dumps him when he badly pretends to be surprised.
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Elaine's bf is a "downgrader." "I call, he texts me back. I text, he emails. I'm scared if I email, I'll have to look for smoke signals."
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Elaine has no idea what her BF does for a living and it’s now too late to ask. E:“Teacher, I think. Or a doctor? Wait Is ‘computers' a job?"
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Elaine accidentally does a British accent in a job interview after marathoning Downton Abbey. She gets the job and has to keep faking it.
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Elaine hates Arrested Development. Everyone judges her like she killed someone. J:"There are some things you're just not allowed to say."
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Jerry's gf constantly says "hashtag." George gets a job as a "social media expert." "It's great, Jerry. You don't need to know anything!"
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George takes a date to see Gravity, but sits on his 3D glasses. The theater refuses to give him another pair and his date refuses to leave.
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After he learns it's been canceled, Kramer starts his own version of Cash Cab in his car. People think he's trying to kidnap them.
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George gets mugged but is so broke & has such a crappy phone the mugger let's him keep it all. Jerry learns he's not funny in text messages.
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Jerry discovers that Kramer keeps a list of all Jerry's passwords. K:"What if you forget one?!" J:"They have a whole button just for that!"
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Elaine refuses to change her profile photo to support gay rights, because she finally likes her pic. Her bf dumps her for being a "bigot."
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When Jerry's GF says he's no fun, he starts using emojis constantly. She dumps him. J:"I was being fun!" E:"Emoji guy is not fun. He's sad."
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Kramer is insanely paranoid that everything on April Fools is a prank. J:“ We’re going to the coffee shop. Want to come?” K:“WHO’S ASKING?!"
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Jerry breaks up with his girlfriend when she loves the new Superman movie. George discovers he unknowingly helped A-Rod get his steroids.
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A woman accuses George of harrassing her by DM-ing her. G:"I was being friendly!" E:"Oh please.There's no such thing as a 'friendly' DM."
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George keeps using his ex's Netflix because the suggestions are finally perfect for him. "I can't start over. This thing knows me, Jerry!"
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Kramer gets a job directing traffic at the Trader Joe’s checkout lines, but the power goes to his head. Elaine’s BF gets too into “juicing."
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A homeless man refuses Elaine's offer of a used first-gen iPad. George carries an empty Starbucks cup so he can use WiFi at any location.
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Jerry's vacation's ruined by the stress of avoiding Breaking Bad spoilers. Elaine's never seen the show, ruins a viewing party w/ questions.
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Jerry forgets his girlfriend's birthday which is on 9/11. KRAMER: "We all said never forget!" JERRY: "I forgot." KRAMER: "YOU FORGOT!"
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Kramer starts an offline dating "site." KRAMER: It's like online dating... but at a place. JERRY: You're describing a bar! That's a bar!
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Jerry passes on doing a Super Bowl commercial, because he thinks the idea sounds dumb. Bania does it & it's praised as the best ad in years.
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George has a map of unprotected WI-FI networks in the neighborhood. Jerry & Kramer get hooked on Breaking Bad, act weird around Tim Whatley.
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Elaine dates a gorgeous hispanic man, but she hides him from Jerry and George because she's ashamed that he’s in a subway Mariachi band.
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Elaine finds herself at the center of a controversy when a college football star uses her photo as a picture of his fake dead girlfriend.
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Elaine’s autocorrect makes her look racist in front of her new boss. E:“Why would they even program that in?” J:“I’m sure they didn’t!"
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Jerry buys priority boarding for his flight. It's actually the 4th group to board. "Why call it priority?! If anything it's a low priority!"
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Kramer gets a tip that Newman may have secretly caused Jerry to be dumped years earlier & begins obsessively investigating the “cold case."
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Jerry convinces Babu Bhatt to open a food truck. The truck is stolen. "Kramering" (bursting into rooms) becomes an Internet sensation.
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Elaine is uncomfortable about how excited her adult co-workers are for NSync at the VMAs. George's gf dumps him for liking Miley's twerking.
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Jerry’s blind date shows up drunk and heckles the screen during 12 Years A Slave. Kramer creates an app that gives you ideas for other apps.
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George discovers WebMD, is convinced he's dying. "Could I have cancer, malaria, AND smallpox? Because THAT'S WHAT THIS IS TELLING ME JERRY!"
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Elaine responds to a 2 am text from an awful ex. J:”You never respond to a ‘U up?’ text! You’re writing checks your body’ll have to cash!"
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When George's gf goes out of town he can't help finishing the TV show they're marathoning together, then badly pretends not to have seen it.
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George tries to pick up a woman by claiming to be a cop that arrested a suspect in Boston case. CNN producer overhears it, runs it as fact.
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Kramer discovers people in Brooklyn are dressing like him. George learns when you search his name, Google suggests "George Costanza Gay."
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Jerry needs a haircut for a date that night but doesn't want a bad "Day 1 Cut." Kramer has a guy who can cut it so it'll pass for a "Day 14"
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Elaine's Republican boyfriend says "Thanks a lot, Obama," whenever something bad happens. Kramer claims to have created ChristianMingle.
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