Ross Sayers
@Sayers33
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Author. MARY'S THE NAME, SONNY AND ME, DAISY ON THE OUTER LINE @cranachanbooks THE EVERLIVING MEMORY OF JOHN VALENTINE @fledglingpress he/him
Joined January 2015
A year ago my girlfriend lost her favourite necklace. She was running for a taxi & it snapped & went down a drain. Little did she know I contacted the council & asked them to search the drain. So. this Xmas I presented her a Topshop voucher cause the Council told me to fuck off.
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Babe is everything ok? You've barely sang 'my money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds' in the last few hours.
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Hi mate I notice you've started the Teams meeting 2 minutes early. Have fun in there. See you in 2 and a half minutes.
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Drinking when you're 18: eating's cheating!. Drinking when you're over 25: if I drink on an empty stomach I will genuinely not live to see another sunrise.
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It's true that we all have 24 hours each day, but each person has different pressures. In Queer Eye, Bobby has 24 hours to renovate a 5 bedroom house. Antoni has 24 hours to throw together a cute lil salad.
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My girlfriend just asked me if I could make her another couple bits of toast. She probably thought I'd need to get a second knife dirty. Wrong. I'd carefully rested the original knife on the edge of the sink. Been training my whole life for this moment.
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You: *pronounces Bon Iver as it's written*. Most annoying guy you know, barely able to conceal his delight: what did you just say.
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Bro is everything ok? Those are some pretty deep song lyrics you've added to your MSN messenger display name.
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Me being proposed to on Christmas day: this isn't my main present is it?.
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'Yeah, there were chocolate particles found next to the body. What's your point?'.'Do I need to spell it out for you, Scully? This was clearly the work of The Unknown.'
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He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's adding a picture. He's completely fucked the formatting. He's closing the Word document in anger.
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Oooh look at us we're Phoebe Bridgers & Paul Mescal, we're both really talented and happy and in love. Grow up.
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tesco: Β£3.99 please. me: oh i don't have a clubcard. tesco:
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Hi mate sorry to bother you but I noticed the novel you're reading has a photo from the film version on the cover instead of the original cover. So me and everyone else in this Waterstones cafe are going to kick fuck out you.
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Brand account: let's slay (our prices) for pride!. Reply from blue tick account with 57 followers : all lbgt are perverts. Brand account: we have deleted our previous tweet. We 100% stand with the LGBT community but did not realise some people don't like you. Maybe next year.
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To all the young people out there who haven't gotten the Spotify Wrapped results they were hoping for, just remember that there's no wrong path. I left school without a single Spotify Wrapped to my name and, hey, I seem to be doing okay.
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Burgers used to be called 'plain' and 'cheese'. Now they're called 'dirty mother clucker finger blaster' and 'The Whore'.
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Last night I went to a bar, with the understanding that well-behaved women make history all the time. But then I saw a neon sign which changed everything.
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Ok I'll be the one to say it. The outside rungs of the clothes airer are reserved for the very best. The washing basket A-listers.
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[louis theroux: inside scottish twitter]. louis: your friend ally was hit by a bus, how did you react?. man: told him to fuck off. louis: didn't you think that was cruel? he's your friend. man: *shrugs*. louis: *voiceover* i was getting nowhere. i had to speak to ally himself.
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chumbawamba: we sing 'i get knocked down but i get up again' 4 times. british public: ok. chumbawamba: then list alcoholic drinks. british public: good. chumbawamba: eh. then sing danny boy for no reason. british public: this will be the anthem of our nation.
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It will forever be a mystery to me how the foil completely covers a full easter egg, you eat half, then the foil is somehow no longer big enough to even cover a half.
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Ticketmaster love to email you like *URGENT ACTION REQUIRED* and the action is 'go to the gig you have tickets for'.
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'In the United Kingdom, you are forced to eat chocolates from a tin. But these chocolates, while delicious, are wrapped in muted colours instead of shiny paper, so of course this a form of torture.'
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That's a nice son you've got there. Would be a shame if the Grinch poured a full bottle of juice over him.
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Once you wear a regular t-shirt to bed, that's it a jammy top now. Sure you can try wearing it out the house after that, but everyone knows it's a jammy top, stop trying to fool yourself and retire the top mate.
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I have just told my girlfriend, Kate Nash, that she must eat so many lemons cause she is so bitter. Now to sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge there's no way she could have a rhyming comeback to that.
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Tories watching Billy Elliot like 'what a waste of a good coal miner'.
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Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I'm stumped.
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Get your fucking ass up and bring me back a wee surprise from the shop. Seems like no one wants to bring me back a wee surprise from the shop these days.
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Me every time I open the app and see a new Matt LeBlanc tweet
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Why do all these pizza chains think they're too good for chips. You're not too good for chips. 'oh but we do wedges!'. with all due respect, fuck yer wedges.
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Hi mate loving the 2024 dump. Remember when we went to Boom Battle Bar in October. you said it was the best laugh you'd had all year. didn't make your top 20 pics. 4 photos of the Charli XCX gig though. Weird.
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Oh your "out of office" is on is it. You're off "all the way through" are you. I'll tell you where you couldn't put an out of office on. It's starts with B. And it ends with attle of the Somme.
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journalists: can we get a clear answer if there will be another lockdown?. uk gov:.
Keep your eyes peeled for the next one is all Iβm sayinnnπ€ͺπ€ͺ.
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Hi lads, no 5-a-sides this week sorry, due to frozen pitch/most of the lads being away at the Battle of the Somme. Try again next week.
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Don't even buy what I actually want in Tesco these days. Want caramel wafers, but KitKats are in the clubcard offer. So I get KitKats. Yes Mr Clubcard I'll buy whatever biscuits you tell me to sir. Pathetic.
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producer: do you want to be on a show called 'kitchen nightmares'?. restaurant owner: yes sounds good. gordon ramsay: this kitchen is a fucking nightmare. restaurant owner:
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Hi mate you've got to check out the new bakery that's just opened. Do you like cookies? Do you like single pieces of Kinder Bueno? Do you like the idea of a single piece of Kinder Bueno *on* a cookie? Well then. Grab Β£4.50 and join me in the queue.
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My Β£100k salary isn't actually all that much, you see, because I have so many nice things to pay for. You, as a peasant, who only have to afford your 70p 1kg bag of oatmeal, do not have such worries.
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[High Performance Podcast]. Santa: y'know how long it takes to make a list of every child in the world? And y'know what I do when I finish the list?. Jake Humphrey: *nodding* deliver the presents. Santa: *shaking his head* check it twice mate. Jake: *grinning* fucking hell.
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He's got your ID.He's checking it twice.Gonna find out if he's legally allowed to kiss you.Matty Healy is coming to town.
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'So he's ridden on the back of Shai-Hulud, so what? He's the Lisan Al Gaib, that's his job. He's not won anything yet. Save the celebrating for when you lead the Fremen to paradise.'
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Cineworld: ok Jeff we only have one shot at this so please pronounce 'Cineworld' and 'foyer' normally. Jeff Goldblum:
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You've heard of elf on a shelf, now get ready for a full bottle of juice on your son.
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When I'm late for a film: tricky to find my seat when it's so dark. When I'm sat and see someone else come in late: good, flounder in the darkness. You have no respect for cinema. Why don't you take your whispers and your nachos back to home streaming where you belong.
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What if Chris Rock was a small child. And Will Smith was a Β£85 Grinch. And the slap was a full 2L bottle of juice.
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If Netflix is struggling, the answer is simple. True crime documentary about the Β£85 Grinch.
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Cranberry sauce looking at you from the corner of the fridge
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Contactless aye?.Aye just tap it.Too easy this eh.Aye true, too easy tae spend money eh.Far too easy haha.End up forgettin yer PIN.Aye takes me a minute tae mind it noo.Lucky it's a thirty quid limit.Aye I ken, until they put it tae forty!.Aw any day noo!.
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Sure 30,000 are dead. But what about a painting I just learned existed. I can't help but think. what if that had been from my family's private collection. Really puts things in perspective.
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[Average Super Sunday]. Jamie Redknapp: it's a penalty. Paul Merson: nah not for me. Roy Keane: course it's a penalty. David Jones: no agreement here. But I think we can all agree that the thrilling Day of the Jackal is streaming now.
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Do you like MUGGY AIR?. Do you like RAIN?. Do you like them BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?. Do you like getting wet but being TOO HOT FOR A JACKET?. π΄σ §σ ’σ ³σ £σ ΄σ Ώ Promoted by Visit Scotland π΄σ §σ ’σ ³σ £σ ΄σ Ώ.
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Hello mate would you like to come to my big party in London today. Yes my brother the pedophile will be there why does everyone keep asking me that.
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Tesco meal deal now Β£3.90 without a clubcard. Less of a 'meal deal' and more of a 'we give you three items and you give us the full amount for them'.
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Sprinkling some water on my naans before I put them in the oven
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Just checked, couldn't see it
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Scottish people truly, deeply, in our very souls, do not believe we will get two sunny days in a row. Every sunny day must be treated like it will be the last for a generation.
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To be fair, historically most children on a Willy Wonka tour end up dead, so seeing an underwhelming backdrop for Β£35 is actually a positive outcome.
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I do my hair toss.Check my nails.Baby how you feelin'?.Ach I'm okay, thanks, feeling a bit fed up but I think everybody is. You up to much this weekend? A takeaway? About the only thing to look forward to at the moment haha.
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my brain: *after i've voted* did you put the cross in the right box. me: yes. my brain: you sure? you sure you didn't vote for the opposite of what you meant to?. me: oh god fucking hell maybe.
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uk employees: why don't we have air-.con?. uk bosses:. uk employees:. uk bosses: can i interest you in a choc ice?.
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That is very bad luck. To make a transphobic comment on the one day in recorded history the British media and political class have decided they actually don't like transphobia.
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Hi mate thanks for reaching out via Microsoft Teams. I'm sorry to say I was sharing my screen at the time. Everyone on the call saw your message saying Christine's messed up your SharePoint again and you think she should be executed.
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The barrier isn't working at the Queen St station toilets so it's free pees all round. It's carnage. Folk flooding in who aren't even needing, just treating themselves.
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Bruce Springsteen at 73: I've already played for 2 and a half hours so I'll maybe just do a 7 or 8 song encore. Me at 31: it's 10pm so we can rule out watching a film, let's try an episode of a sitcom and regroup afterwards to see if a 2nd episode is doable.
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'Now press the button to unfog the glass and see who was on the other side.'
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Gary Neville: subbing Zirkzee after 30 mins, I've rarely seen that happen. David Jones: would it be fair to say Man United are making him The Fall Guy, starring Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt, which is streaming now?.
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*Microsoft Teams when you don't move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY'S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY'S AWAY. WHAT'S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY'S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
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If I were Croatia, I would simply let Scotland win and no be a big wideo.
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Accepting an Outlook diary invite but clicking 'Do not send a response'. Yeah I'm coming but I'm not going to make a song and dance about it.
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Wordle is just Hangman for people who can't face being responsible for a man's death.
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Tricky scenario when walking past a Victoria's Secret. Can't look away - virgin. Can't look twice - pervert. One simple glance will do it. It's like any other shop, to me, a normal adult.
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[Scotrail head office]. Boss 1: okay an off peak return to Edinburgh from Glasgow is Β£13. How much should a single be?. Boss 2: *snorting a line of coke* Β£12.90.
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'Am I to believe a shit was found in the family toilet, yet both daughters deny involvement? And Cher Lloyd is a person of interest? Heavens, this is a truly curious case.'
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(Gordon Ramsay meeting Big Cook, Little Cook) Wow, ok. It's a total mismatch. The big one does all the cooking and the little one flies around on a wooden spoon. Christ. Where's the little one gone? Jesus. He's hiding behind the bread bin. Fuck me.
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Omg the photo on my ID is sooo embarrassing ππ I would never show it to anyone ππ€£ππ okay I'll get it out πππ omg look at it! πππ I said look πππ LOOK AT THIS EMBARRASSING PHOTO OF ME THAT I NEVER SHOW TO ANYONE π€£ππ€£π.
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If you like piΓ±a coladas and getting caught in the rain, then boy do I have some exciting news for you about changes to Scottish Covid restrictions on April 26th.
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In a pub & the Glastonbury debate rages on. 'Play the old stuff!' one man yells. 'Mature new album!' shouts another. Working class fists are about to fly. I stand up. 'Gents,' I say. 'Old or new, it's still the same Carly Rae Jepsen we all love.' Place erupts. Madri's all round.
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Sometimes in a pub toilet I'll find myself reading the cleaning rota on the wall. 'Hmm LW cleaned today at 1pm and 3pm but missed 5pm. LW's probably rushed off his feet in this place'.
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'Two? Two films? On the same day? Christ you must be made of money. Is that Barbie one not for the kiddies?'
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MIRANDA: This Fremen guy I'm seeing keeps getting sand in the bed.SAMANTHA: Make him shower first. Once his balls are as blue as his eyes, he'll start scrubbing his worm.CHARLOTTE: Ew. I would only marry a man from one of the great houses. CARRIE: Big is moving to Paris.
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If there are six geese a-laying, statistically at least one of them will be silly.
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Yes sir, I can boogie.
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'I once easily broke into the US Capitol building and sat at Nancy Pelosi's desk.'
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Last Christmas.I gave you Β£85.The very next day.You poured Fairy up liquid and a 2L bottle of juice over my son.
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Thierry Henry: the midfield is disjointed. Jamie Carragher: they need to communicate better. David Jones: I wonder if they could learn teamwork from Godzilla and King Kong in Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire.
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