Just clocking out from the nuclear waste factory and boy are my arms fourteen legs.

Me: *playing Russian roulette and the gun clicks 5 times against my skull before I set it down too hard and it goes off*.Bill Ackman: “Textbook, Art of the Deal.”.

Check, please!.

The alleged shooter of the United HealthCare CEO was spotted and apprehended at a McDonald’s in Pennsylvania today. Someone recognized him after he refused to leave until he could “have a word” with Dr. Pepper.

Fuck this place. I’m over here. XOXO

Ask your doctor if leaving dead bear carcasses in public parks is right for you

Poor Joe Biden, eating his ice cream cake all alone in the Comet Ping Pong basement.

I’m no math whiz but I’m starting to think the person who gets the most electoral votes might actually become the next President.

RT @JoeBiden: I'm sick.

CNN: “It’s too early to tell anything but here’s what we can tell you…”.

CELLMATE: “What are you in for?”.ME: “Hopefully a great time.”.

Still think the vaccine was safe???

RT @SamGrittner: Just clocking out from the nuclear waste factory and boy are my arms fourteen legs.

New essay. Hope you're doing swell. xoxo.

I love to go to hospitals to try and buy things. I’m always at the hospital or headed to the hospital to try to purchase some things. Can’t get enough of it.

Congratulations to JD Vance for somehow managing to make me hate him even more, based purely on his vibes tonight. And his shit-eating grin. And his voice. And his words. And everything about him.

Santa is black and no one likes you.

Why is a state making a decision about anyone’s body? Oklahoma can’t tell me not to go on Ozempic. Hawaii can’t tell my girlfriend to get a nose job. New York can’t tell me I’m too handsome the nose job my girlfriend is too cowardly to get.

JD Vance looking like M3GAN.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS HAITIAN WOMAN!!!

RT @esjesjesj: “Tomorrow I’m doing 9/11” is such a cool thing to say. You can’t even be mad about it. It’s perfect.