Sahaj Kaur Kohli
@SahajKohli
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She/her. LGPC, MA.Ed&HD, NCC. Creator, Brown Girl Therapy. Psychotherapist🧠. Advice columnist @washingtonpost . Author @penguinbooks (5/7/24). #CulturallyEnough
Joined December 2010
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If you are a books influencer, in media, a freelancer writer, or a reporter and want to cover my book, But What Will People Say? please let me know! My DMs are open!
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who left their own homes before they even knew themselves and moved across the world w/ partners they may not have known very well only to birth life in a new country and plant roots in an unknown land.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who moved across the world to plant roots in an unknown land. The ones who didn't have a roadmap and are trying their best. The ones who never looked back in order to create a life where we can intentionally make choices they never had.
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Many children of immigrants experience hidden grief or disenfranchised grief that is not acknowledged by society or the systems we live in. Here are things you may need to process grief around as it relates to family, identity, friendships, romantic relationships, & stigma >>
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who moved across the world to plant roots in an unknown land. The ones who didn't have a roadmap and are trying their best. The ones who never looked back in order to create a life where we can intentionally make choices they never had.
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who left their own homes before they even knew themselves and moved across the world w/ partners they may not have known very well only to birth life in a new country and plant roots in an unknown land.
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My immigrant dad took me aside yesterday to tell me he’s been restless because he doesn’t want me to lose work by posting things that are “inflammatory.”
He said I should just focus on mental health, not politics.
And here's how I responded >>
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ONE in FOUR children in the U.S. has at least one foreign-born parent. So for World Mental Health Day, I want to highlight the unique mental health struggles that immigrant children & bicultural folks, like me, can experience at the intersection of our two differing cultures >>
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As a child of immigrants, you may have been loved fiercely, but you may have also been loved in pieces. And when you are loved in pieces, you are taught that there are parts of you that are unworthy and unloveable. That sticks with you.
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who left their own homes before they even knew themselves and moved across the world w/ partners they may not have known very well only to birth life in a new country and plant roots in an unknown land.
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You may grieve lost oral history or inaccessible generational stories because parents/elders don't want to talk about it. You may grieve entire relationships you weren't able to have or sustain because extended family lived far or you couldn't communicate in a shared language.
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I am not chasing success in the same way you are. I know you worry about me, but you have given me the privilege to seek alignment, liberation, and ease."
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who moved across the world to plant roots in an unknown land. The ones who didn't have a roadmap and are trying their best. The ones who never looked back in order to create a life where we can intentionally make choices they never had.
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Relationships with immigrant dads can be fraught and complicated. I know mine has been in the past, but today I want to acknowledge his journey, and those like him, with compassion and gratitude. >>
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You may grieve the years your internalized shame took from you -- years you turned your back on parts of your identity or where you are from. You may grieve a loss of your language, roots, traditions, and heirlooms that were left behind in your parents migration(s).
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Mental health and politics are intertwined. I cannot be a good therapist or DEI educator if I am not also trauma informed and culturally inclusive. And this means integrating and speaking about the reality of our systems and the world we live in.
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I am rooted in my values. Values you taught me as a Sikh, as an immigrant, as a father. I root into my ancestry and history to have the strength to fight for what is right. I know it’s scary to you, and I know you don’t always understand.
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I took a deep breath and told him:
“You came here in survival mode. You had to prove yourself to this country. You had to redo exams, you had to take what you could get, you couldn’t ask for more, and you were scared to rock the boat.
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You did what you had to do to protect yourself and take care of mom and us three kids. You have given me the privilege to move beyond survival. Even more, I am in a self-sufficient space where I can speak out when others may not be able to...
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All others saw in you were what you could provide & how you could be useful. No one cared that you were kind, generous, funny, gentle because it didn’t matter. For fear of being rejected you had to push those incredible attributes aside & harden yourself for stability & security.
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You may grieve your childhood experiences and apologies you'll never get for situations you were put in. You may grieve not having access to your community because it's not available where you live or because you are not welcomed because of the choices you've made.
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You may carry grief that was passed down from your parents' traumas or because of what wars, imperialism, or colonialism took from your ancestors. You may witness your parents' grief of what they left behind, absorb it, and help them carry the weight as an immigrant kid does.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who may have never explored their own passions because their only dream has been that we are provided for. The ones who never felt like they did enough even though our whole worlds exist because of them.
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Many children of immigrants have access to resources our parents didn't have, and prioritizing healing & growth is great & all... but can we please talk about what it REALLY feels like -- and how incredibly painful & hard it can be -- to emotionally outgrow your parents & family?
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You may grieve what your siblings or cousins had access to that you did not. You may grieve the fact that you've lived entire lifetimes without your parents' knowledge that consisted of secret romantic love and secret romantic heartbreak/loss.
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Peel back the layers of your grief. Consider creating a grieving ritual that allows you to express or feel what you have not allowed yourself to express or feel -- dance, scream, create a memento, write a letter, or so on. & find support where you can share your grief w/ others🌱
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I am thrilled to announce that I am WRITING the book I always wish existed!!!
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You may grieve heartaches in friendship that are not recognized because your family doesn't believe in their importance. You may secretly grieve experiences that are stigmatized in your family, culture, or society like infertility, divorce, or suicide.
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who left their own homes before they even knew themselves and moved across the world w/ partners they may not have known very well only to birth life in a new country and plant roots in an unknown land.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas whose love was never expressed verbally but rather shown. The ones who always ask if we need anything, anything at all. The ones who always want us to be safe, comfortable & secure. We see you & appreciate you.
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For children of immigrants, there's a number of reasons why it may be difficult to show up wholly and authentically in your everyday life and relationships. >>
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Dear children of immigrants in the U.S— being the “first” can feel like a burden AND a privilege. But you’re breaking generational cycles. You’re making history. cc:
@KamalaHarris
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who may have never explored their own passions because their only dream has been that we are provided for. The ones who never felt like they did enough even though our whole worlds exist because of them.
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who nurtured their children’s growth regardless of where it would take us. The ones who spent their whole lives putting themselves last, catering to our every whim, and making our everyday lives easier, often without appreciation.
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who found their own voice by nurturing their children’s. The ones who argued with our fathers so we could have the freedoms they never experienced themselves. The ones who never felt strong but were adamant on raising strong women.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas whose love was never expressed verbally but rather shown. The ones who always ask if we need anything, anything at all. The ones who always want us to be safe, comfortable & secure. We see you & appreciate you.
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ONE in FOUR children in the U.S. has at least one foreign-born parent. For World Mental Health Day, I want to highlight some of the most common cultural conflicts that children of immigrants & bicultural folks, like me, can experience, impacting our mental health >>
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who get made fun of for their accent. The ones who didn't understand our teenage angst & never showed their pain when we may have wished they were more Western. The ones never taught self-expression but who've tried to understand ours.
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In my recent
@washingtonpost
column, a reader asks me how to handle when longterm friends & colleagues mispronounce their name. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised by the comments, but folks really don't understand how harmful this can be to a person's psyche.
Here's my advice:
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who will drop everything to be there for us. The ones who are like mind-reading superheroes because they always know how to make us feel better. & the ones who never let us stray too far from what is good & right. We love & appreciate you.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who never showed their struggle b/c of what they were taught it means to be a man. The ones who internalized feelings because they were never told it's OK to ask for help or express emotions. The ones who think they have to do it alone.
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Many children of immigrants experience hidden grief or disenfranchised grief that is not acknowledged by society or the systems we live in. Here are things you may need to process grief around as it relates to family, identity, friendships, romantic relationships, & stigma >>
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who became fathers at the same age we are still exploring what we want. The ones who were parenting themselves as they were learning to parent us. The ones learning to be fathers without their fathers to guide them.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who get made fun of for their accent. The ones who didn't understand our teenage angst & never showed their pain when we may have wished they were more Western. The ones never taught self-expression but who've tried to understand ours.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who became fathers at the same age we are still exploring what we want. The ones who were parenting themselves as they were learning to parent us. The ones learning to be fathers without their fathers to guide them.
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As a daughter of immigrants, I am constantly mourning a loss of my cultural identity & family history. This has been especially heightened since my last grandparent died a few years ago.
So in grad school, I focused a part of my study on how to cope w/ cultural bereavement 🧵
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who are trying to navigate an open & more healthy relationship with their kids even though they may not have had that with their own parents. The ones who may sometimes grasp at control because they feel so out of their element.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who never showed their struggle b/c of what they were taught it means to be a man. The ones who internalized feelings because they were never told it's OK to ask for help or express emotions. The ones who think they have to do it alone.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who became fathers at the same age we are still exploring what we want. The ones who were parenting themselves as they were learning to parent us. The ones learning to be fathers without their fathers to guide them.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas whose love was never expressed verbally but rather shown. The ones who always ask if we need anything, anything at all. The ones who always want us to be safe, comfortable & secure. We see you & appreciate you.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who may have never explored their own passions because their only dream has been that we are provided for. The ones who never felt like they did enough even though our whole worlds exist because of them.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who get made fun of for their accent. The ones who didn't understand our teenage angst & never showed their pain when we may have wished they were more Western. The ones never taught self-expression but who've tried to understand ours.
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For curious minds, I no longer work at HuffPost. My last day was Aug 6, & I am now focusing on pursuing my second career as a therapist (in training) & officially making Brown Girl Therapy a small business (where I create, do speaking engagements, write, & facilitate workshops).
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And now as an adult, you may have to tend to those neglected parts of yourself, nurturing them as you wish they were nurtured when you were a child. Embrace & love the messy, softer, different, & continuously evolving parts of you.
You deserve it.
You are enough.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who are trying to navigate an open & more healthy relationship with their kids even though they may not have had that with their own parents. The ones who may sometimes grasp at control because they feel so out of their element.
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Dear children of immigrants, your family’s overpowering love, sacrifices, expectations, hopes, or encouragement doesn’t prevent you from experiencing your own mental health struggles. One does not determine the other. You can be loved AND you can be grateful AND you can struggle.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who never showed their struggle b/c of what they were taught it means to be a man. The ones who internalized feelings because they were never told it's OK to ask for help or express emotions. The ones who think they have to do it alone.
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Are you an immigrant kid who struggles with guilt? Do you feel like you are close with your family, but also feel responsible for them and struggle to differentiate the two?
Here are some thoughts and tips from a mental health professional 🧵 >>
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Note: Relationships with immigrant dads differ for all of us, and they can be fraught & complicated. I know mine has been in the past, but today I want to acknowledge his journey, & those like him, with compassion & gratitude. Pls feel free to share your immigrant Papa stories!
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Dear children of immigrants,
I know you may carry guilt as you charter this new territory without a roadmap from those before you. I know that it can feel heavy & you question if you’re making the right choices.
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BIPOC folks have been historically gaslit and encouraged to bottle up their anger and package it away nicely. To swallow grief and pain for the sake and comfort of others. If we speak up, or use our voice, we risk being seen as threats, and scary, and too much.
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who nurtured their children’s growth regardless of where it would take us. The ones who spent their whole lives putting themselves last, catering to our every whim, and making our everyday lives easier, often without appreciation.
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Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who are trying to navigate an open & more healthy relationship with their kids even though they may not have had that with their own parents. The ones who may sometimes grasp at control because they feel so out of their element.
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who found their own voice by nurturing their children’s. The ones who argued with our fathers so we could have the freedoms they never experienced themselves. The ones who never felt strong but were adamant on raising strong women.
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Self-care for children of immigrants can look different. It’s learning to differentiate between what is good for you & what looks good to others. It’s learning that your independence & choices won’t actually kill your parents or family members, no matter how much they say it will
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While this is not an exhaustive list, here are 10 benefits of going to therapy for children of immigrants >>
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You love them but you can't heal them. You love them but you understand things in ways they don’t have language for. You love them but you're left having to rationalize their behaviors while simultaneously working through how it may be affecting you.
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Recognizing that your parents did the best they can is not meant to excuse them from the very real pain & hurt they may have caused you. They could have did their best AND you can wish they did things differently.
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I have literally dreamt about being a therapist for more than a decade. I went back to grad school at 30 to pursue it. Now, I have been working as a (supervised) therapist for over a year. Let’s normalize making our dreams come true in non-linear timelines.
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Your parents may have had a particular frame of reference in which they measured your goodness or judged your intelligence. They were (consciously or not) selective when it came to who you were & what you needed...
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Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who will drop everything to be there for us. The ones who are like mind-reading superheroes because they always know how to make us feel better. & the ones who never let us stray too far from what is good & right. We love & appreciate you.
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Dear children of immigrants, you have inherited so much from your parents. Often, you are the one tasked with finally unpacking the generational trauma that's been passed down in your family.
But don't stop there. You must also unpack the generational strength, too.
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I totally understand the whole “check on your friends” posts, but I feel like we’re well beyond certain people needing to be checked on and have entered a place where everyone is struggling with something pretty significant, from loss and grief to anxiety, depression or burnout.
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focusing in on the parts of you that they believed would make you stronger, more successful, and smarter -- all in ways they understood these to be defined and based on their own experiences -- in hopes that it would ultimately lead you to security and stability.
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For many people, it's not unusual for work, identity, and worth to be intertwined. For children of immigrants specifically, there are a number of ways this can create unique struggles for you in your workplaces & in your careers. >>
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It might seem like a small thing, but in fact, when others continuously mispronounce someone’s name, or assign a nickname for their own ease, it’s considered a name-based microaggression.
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Just because you’re not white doesn’t mean you don’t have anti-racist work to do. >>
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Phew. If you are a child of immigrants, I see you! This is heavy work. But ya'll show up - for yourselves & for others. If you love a child of immigrants, love them a little harder. Just because they carry their trauma, burden (& respective privilege) well doesn't mean it's easy.
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At one time or another, children of immigrants are often stuck in a place where they have to love the people, pursuits, hobbies, & things they love in secret because it doesn't align with what's expected of them, what they were taught, or what they'll be supported in.
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For children of immigrants, it's not uncommon to develop self-sabotaging behaviors for various reasons. >>
1. You may have been told that you're one thing or that you should be or do one thing, so now you may try to make your life work in that box, even if it doesn't feel right.
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We constantly grapple with how our parents are not necessarily the enemy (this doesn’t include all family dynamics of course), & as such, many children of immigrants learn over and over and over again how to practice extreme empathy & understanding for others’ shortcomings.
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1. In one culture we may be taught that seeing a therapist and/or talking about our mental health struggles is selfish and shameful, and in our other culture, we are taught that caring for our mental health is a sign of courage and bravery.
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For children of immigrants, there’s a constant duality in our hyphenated existence. We have the freedom to pick & choose from both cultures, identities, and communities, but with that also comes the isolating reminder that we don’t totally belong in either.
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Can we please talk about how our NEED to be resilient is often due to systemic issues (read: capitalism & white supremacy) & that yes, being resilient is psychologically important AND so is dismantling systems that require us to be so in the face of adversity & tragedy.
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I did it! Officially a master of clinical mental health counseling!
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As children of immigrants, you may struggle with discerning between and practicing self-soothing and self-care. Here are 8 reasons why:
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4. In both cultures, we are told to be grateful. Grateful to be here. Grateful to have opportunity and resources. Grateful to have "made it." This ongoing expectation of gratitude in all parts of our lives can compound our imposter syndrome, and it feeds our negative self-talk.
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Many children of immigrants live a goals-driven life, not a values-driven life, constantly chasing the next thing rather than making decisions rooted in what is important to them
So HOW do you figure out your values?
Here are tips & exercises from a mental health professional🧵
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2. In one culture we're taught that groupthink -- or maintaining the harmony of, making decisions as, & considering the betterment of a group/family/community -- is most important, and in our other culture we are often encouraged to nurture our individuality & our self-efficacy.
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A painful grief we don’t discuss often enough is the one when we lose our familial ties to our “home” country.
Here’s what I mean >>
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Many children of immigrants feel pressure to always be pursuing the NEXT goal or achievement. Slowness, intentionality, & contentment may be privileges our parents/elders didn't have.
If you struggle with this, here are some reflections & tips from a mental health professional:
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by moving to a foreign country, our immigrant parents have given us the freedom — and the burden — to break generational cycles.
it’s okay to question how — and what — you’re doing.
there is no roadmap.
you’re doing great.
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Let’s normalize talking about our mental health struggles & all of the unique, difficult, beautiful, messy ways we exist as whole beings in our lives. After all, we challenge stigma by confronting stigma, and it's likely if you are not an immigrant child, you probably know one.
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As I’ve built out a community by and for children of immigrants, I am blown away by how strong, kind, & resilient the community is AND how much we collectively struggle to take up space & value ourselves because of our own internalized beliefs that we will never, ever be enough.
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Thank you
@waouwwaouw
for this beautiful article on the importance of inclusive and intersectional mental health care, and thank you for interviewing me for, and featuring me in, it!
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A thread in photos for all non-children of immigrant friends, colleagues, and allies 🗣 I recently polled our community and here are 30 things COIs want you to know and consider about our experiences:
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but just because you struggle to find a sense of belonging or direction doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to take up space ✨
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5. In one culture we are taught to chase security & comfort, while in the other we are taught to chase passion & purpose (a privilege many before us didn’t have).
6. One of our cultures has commodified self-care while our other culture has commodified service & self-sacrifice.
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Hey.
The next time you beat yourself up about something you’ve done or said, instead of thinking,
“Why am I like this?”
I encourage you to consider,
“Where did I learn this?”
🌱
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Feeling vulnerable admitting this, but THE DREAM is to build an institute for immigrant mental health: a research hub because it's presently limited, a training hub for professionals to better serve the community, and a social impact hub to increase access to care and education.
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