Rick Aaron
@RickAaron
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Following
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The heat is comin' down and I'm not laughin'
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Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
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Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
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Me: Are Medusa’s pubes snakes too?
Accountant: I meant questions about your tax return.
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I’ve been sober for 30 days
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and so pfar I’ve had no pflu symptoms. I pfeel just pfine which is pfantastic!
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Happy Earth Day. You don't look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
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Judge Jeanine Pirro: “Ya down with KGB?”
President Trump: “Yeah you know me!”
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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
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I applied to work at Wordle and they asked for five letters of recommendation.
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Help! I can’t stop singing “She knighted me in private” to the tune of She Blinded Me With Science.
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As someone who used student loans to buy marijuana, I think Joe Biden is the greatest President ever.
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence.
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For 12 glorious minutes today, I get to call all my neighbors who have solar panels & tell ‘em “Your power’s out”.
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This recipe calls for “leftover bacon” & it might as well require dragon loin or unicorn shanks.
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With all the stress eating I may reach 270 before either of the candidates.
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My wife is a teacher. If you issue her a gun I’ll be dead by Thursday.
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My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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Mandatory temperature screenings will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert. If you’re hot blooded they’ll check it and see.
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The U.S. Space Force is operational and defending our nation
👾👾👾👾👾👾
👾👾👾👾👾👾
👾👾👾👾💥
I
I
I
🗼
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Shoutout to all the Dads circling the living room with a Glad bag right now.
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The Texas attorney who appeared as a cat during a Zoom hearing has been fired by his firm. I’m sure he’ll land on his feet.
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Condolences to Rep. George Santos on the death of his parents Barbara Walters & Pope Benedict XVI
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Karen, arriving in Hell “Excuse me! I was told there would be a special place for me in here!”
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Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
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Just like there’s no 13 button in elevators, there’s no 2020 button in time machines.
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Had to quit my job this morning because I ran out of passwords.
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I arrive at holiday parties like an artificial Christmas tree: pre-lit.
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Guys I have a stalker. Totally obsessed with me & relentless. Three emails & five texts today alone. Enough, Pottery Barn. ENOUGH!
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I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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I just watched “Pam And Tommy” and I think my Hulu now has chlamydia. It burns when I stream.
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Just had my 11th Pfizer shot. One more and my vaccination card will be good for a free sub!
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My wife and I have decided that we don't want any kids. Unfortunately we have two.
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Boeing is also the sound the door makes when it pops off mid-flight.
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I miss the days when Widespread Panic was a band instead of the national mood.
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I would go to the Def Leppard concert Monday but I'm allergic to gluten gleeten glouten glouben.
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The United States of America where we hold our Jeopardy! hosts to higher standards than our Presidents.
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Chris Rock’s left cheek is currently being dusted for fresh prints.
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I bet when the first knife was invented people thought it was the greatest thing since torn off chunks of bread.
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They’re running Jesus ads on TV like they’re worried about Buddha’s growing market share.
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1) Rent storage unit in So. Cal.
2) Fill with boxes of “Storage Wars" DVDs
3) Stop paying rent on unit
4) Sit back and wait
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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I’ve been to Egypt. They walk pretty much like everybody else.
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Because of an unfortunate typo on the invitation I will now be hosting a Superb Owl Party.
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Ketchup: Where are you guys from?
Salsa: ¡Mexico!
Mustard: Dijon, France
Jerk Sauce: Jamaica mon
Worcestershire Sauce: It’s hard to say
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I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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I’m not into comic books but every day I Marvel over what’s happening in DC.
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BYU vs. Wisconsin: The soberest university in the country vs. the drunkest. Badgers are favored by .08
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The Force Awakens. The Force Hits Snooze. The Force Reawakens. The Force Stumbles To The Kitchen For Coffee And Goes To A Job It Hates.
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After two marriages & dozens of failed relationships, I finally know what women want. Not me.
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Microwaved revenge is a dish best served cold in the middle.
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Because of Air Supply chain issues retailers worldwide are all outta love.
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“Nobody wants to work anymore since the pandemic”. Dude, I haven’t wanted to work my entire adult life.
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BREAKING: Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket was stolen from the launch pad overnight by porch pirates
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
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My body’s a wonderland as in I wonder how it turns a small sip of water at bedtime into 10 gallons of urine throughout the night.
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Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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Until this falling Chinese rocket comes down I’m staying the hell away from Target.
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
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Gas is so cheap I'm just pulling up to the pump and rinsing my car off with it.
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This is the worst episode of Tiger King ever. Joe looks horrible without his mullet & somebody painted the tiger too orange.
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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Studies show that people who listen to classic rock have a higher incidence of osteoporosis so Styx and Stones may very well break your bones.
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Tomorrow will be chaos at Allegiant Stadium: 72,000 fans and just one Usher.
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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
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Staring at a pile of presents to wrap: Honey, can you bring me some tape?
Wife: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
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If you guessed “the Polish chef, with a narwhal tusk, on London Bridge” you won the world’s most bizarre game of Clue.
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Watching The Apprentice in 2003 I never thought that 17 years later the wealthy CEO in the boardroom would be emailing me twice a day asking for money.
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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Returning my Trump Bible. It arrived with eight of the Ten Commandments already broken.
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Back in my day, when a princess was in trouble we just hired an Italian plumber to rescue her from a giant gorilla.
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A sure-fire way to tell an alligator from a crocodile is to wait for it to leave & listen if its friends say “See ya later” or “After while”.
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The McRib is here for a limited time only but then again aren’t we all?
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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Everybody check in to a Trump hotel, cancel your credit card and refuse to leave.
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Already broke three resolutions, seven state laws and at least two commandments.
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Now that Big Bird has been vaccinated can we talk about Cookie Monster’s diabetes and Mr. Snuffleuffagus’ obvious depression?
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I never watched Schitt’s Creek but feel like I did from all the gifs.
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Marriage is just 50 years of yelling “What?” back and forth from two rooms away.
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At the gates of Heaven you will be asked to read back all the confirmation numbers you said you were writing down but really weren’t.
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Whoever is operating the Jewish Space Laser today: Could you please melt the snow in the driveway at 3486 Maple Circle? Mazel tov!
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Sorry I’ve been so busy. I had to get a Masters degree in Computer Science from MIT in order to change the clock in my car.
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Stove Top stuffing does NOT mean sex in the kitchen. I know that now.
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Despite Axl's persistent hospitality I never really felt welcome in the jungle.
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2016 Bowl Gifts: Colorado players get an Apple Watch. Clemson players get a PS4. Temple players get the Wake Forest playbook.
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I’m afraid the notoriety we’re giving Murder Hornets will create a lot of Wanna Bees.
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