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Reuters Pitchbot (Satire)

@ReutersPitchbot

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International world news for the capitalist class. Satirical. Parody account. Not Reuters. Brought to you by @CBCPitchbot

Joined September 2021
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@ReutersPitchbot
Reuters Pitchbot (Satire)
2 years
BREAKING: World's biggest clown purchases world's largest circus
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Buckingham Palace reports that Queen Elizabeth will be meeting former President Ronald Reagan later today
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2 years
In display of solidarity for Iranian women, Israeli women are cutting off water access to Gaza
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Israel ישראל 🇮🇱
2 years
Women. Life. Freedom. Today Israelis gathered in #Jerusalem & showed their support for the brave Iranians fighting for their basic human rights. This young Israeli woman with Iranian roots cut her hair as a sign of solidarity with Iranian women. #Mahsa_Amini #IranProtests
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2 years
BREAKING: Germany says attack on Nordstream pipeline has triggered NATO Article 5, but it's complicated since it was by the United States
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BREAKING: Israeli delegation walks out of UN after President Biden says "you can not seize a nation's territory by force" in UNGA speech
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1 year
BREAKING: Elon Musk has died, aged 51.
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BREAKING: Former Japanese PM Shinzo Abe meeting Former President Reagan today
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2 years
BREAKING: CIA Flop Era continues as the United States loses Brazil's Presidential Election
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2 years
BREAKING: Girlboss Mussolini will become the next Prime Minister of Italy
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2 years
BREAKING: Russia appoints Juan Guaidó as the Interim President of Ukraine
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2 years
BREAKING: Moderate white supremacist wins France election
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2 years
CNBC: Cuba has a life expectancy higher than the United States. But could living longer be a bad thing?
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6 months
Videos emerge of anti-Semitic violence against Israeli tanks invading Gaza
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BREAKING: China announces 0 days of mourning for Queen Elizabeth II
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BREAKING: Rishi Sunak has resigned as England's Prime Minister
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2 years
BREAKING: The United States has won the Chilean constitutional referendum
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2 years
Israel condemns Russia's illegal annexation of another nation's territory
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BREAKING: Henry Kissinger on life-support after Chile's election result
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2 years
Turkish President Erdogan has urged the two NATO allies to remain calm, at least until after Turkey invades Greece
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2 years
The United States has won South Korea's Presidential Election
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1 year
BREAKING: Spain rejoins Islamic world after Moroccan conquest at the World Cup
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6 months
Palestinian: I lost 30 members of my family in an IOF airstrike. Anderson Cooper: That's so unfortunate. But do you condemn Hamas? Israeli Minister: We must kill every living thing in the Gaza Strip. Anderson Cooper: Thank you. And how are the soldiers dealing with the trauma?
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2 years
Israel holds national elections today in a contest between moderate ethnic cleansing and extra ethnic cleansing
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2 years
We've arrested all the climate scientists. So why is the Earth still warming?
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2 years
Who sabotaged Europe's Nordstream pipelines? We may never know
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1 year
if we get banned for this it's nothing the man himself hasn't joked about
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2 years
BREAKING: The United Kingdom has asked India for emergency economic aid
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2 years
BREAKING: Lockheed Martin wins the Nobel Peace Prize
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2 years
President Biden says the United States risks falling into fascism, promising 100,000 new police officers to aid transition of power
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2 years
BREAKING: DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD
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2 years
“One small step for woman, one giant leap backwards for women's rights” some locals remarked.
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1 year
BREAKING: CIA bemoans lack of funding as coup attempt flounders in Brazil
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1 year
Gal Gadot is taking a hiatus from her acting career to go back to her roots — committing war crimes
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2 years
BREAKING: World's most annoying man set to become even more annoying
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2 years
Reports: Enes Kanter emerges as frontrunner for the NBA's Henry Kissinger Freedom Award
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2 years
Editor's Note: @CBCPitchbot was suspended for impersonation. The account is not an impersonation of the CBC and follows Twitter's rules for satire accounts. An appeal has been filed.
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1 year
BREAKING: Morroco victory over Portugal completes Al-Andalus reclamation
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6 months
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@SkyNews
Sky News
6 months
Israel will begin to implement four-hour "humanitarian pauses" in northern Gaza each day to allow people to flee, the White House has said. US President Joe Biden has been speaking about the pause to reporters. 📺 Sky 501, Virgin 602 and YouTube
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2 years
King Charles urged to follow in his mother's footsteps immediately
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1 year
BREAKING: Israel on the verge of civil war between far-right and far-far-right
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2 years
CDC says if it's been at least 5 days since you've died from COVID-19, you can return to work without a test
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2 years
BREAKING: France declares war on England, seeking to capitalize on moment of weakness
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2 years
BREAKING: Henry Kissinger, age 99, still alive
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6 months
BREAKING: Israel declares war on the United Nations
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2 years
Israel condemns Russia's attacks against civilian infrastructure
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3 months
DEVELOPING: The African Union has expressed its concern over the weakening of the Rule of Law in the Texas region of the United States, calling for stability in the volatile North American nation
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2 years
FLASHBACK: Henry Ford was a radical car industry mogul who had a soft-spot for the Nazis of his time. Luckily, there's no modern equivalent for us to worry about.
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2 years
they actually ran it. incredible.
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2 years
BREAKING: Girlboss Mussolini will become the next Prime Minister of Italy
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2 years
BREAKING: Apartheid settler-colony to continue apartheid and settler-colonialism
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2 years
BREAKING: US declares victory in 2022 Beijing Olympics
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7 months
75 years of colonialism, occupation and genocide not related to unprovoked Palestinian attack — Israeli report
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2 years
Queen Elizabeth “technically still alive,” BBC reports
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6 months
Israel has the most advanced weapons in the world. They have precision-guided missiles that can transform into Hamas rockets after impact depending on how much outrage occurs for the civilian casualties
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7 months
According to Israel,
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6 months
Opinion | Who amongst us hasn't bombed a few hospitals and schools in self-defense? by The Economist
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7 months
Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu warns Palestinians that he will commit newer, never-before-seen levels of war crimes
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1 year
BREAKING: Elon Musk has died, aged 51.
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2 years
Netanyahu pledges to solve Israel’s housing crisis by annexing more Palestinian land
@TheCradleMedia
The Cradle
2 years
Netanyahu pledges to solve Israel’s housing crisis by annexing more Palestinian land
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2 years
Opinion | Do Palestinians have too much of a voice? by Mehdi Hasan
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1 year
BREAKING: Twitter closes its borders
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6 months
Dozens march in support of Palestine in Washington, DC
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2 years
BREAKING: Israel's incoming government promises to be even more racist somehow
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2 years
BREAKING: Israel is currently bombing Reuters' offices. We thank the IDF for their service.
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1 year
BREAKING: Happy 2023, the year where Henry Kissinger finally dies
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2 years
FINANCIAL LITERACY: Struggling to save for retirement? Try dying younger, this economist says
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2 years
BREAKING: COVID runs rampant in China, with 125 cases reported today
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1 year
How it started. How it’s going.
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2 years
BREAKING: Millions mourn worldwide as UK Monarchy alive and well
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1 year
BREAKING: Venezuela has recognized Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as the 53rd Speaker of the United States House of Representatives
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5 months
BREAKING: World's most esteemed war criminal Henry Kissinger has died
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2 years
BREAKING: Bolsonaro's personal plane is headed to Miami, flight radar suggests
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7 months
NEW: Israeli officials admit the recording of Hamas operatives was fake, but they have a new recording that's “definitely real this time”
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6 months
What a third world war would mean for investors
@TheEconomist
The Economist
6 months
What a third world war would mean for investors 👇
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2 years
BREAKING: COVID-19 has endorsed Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil's Presidential Election
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7 months
Israel says Palestinians are “like ISIS”, proceeds to bomb every church in Gaza
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1 year
Elon Musk to redo Twitter resignation vote in “whites only” poll
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1 year
To Save Money, Maybe You Should Kill Yourself — Wall Street Journal
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6 months
Analysis | Why are young voters so opposed to genocide?
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2 years
Kenya, Nigeria and Zimbabwe offer peacekeeping forces to England to ensure peaceful transfer of power during this turbulent time
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2 years
QUEEN ELIZABETH UPDATE: She's still dead
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2 years
We interviewed locals reacting to the right-wing's victory in Italy's national elections. “Not everyone you disagree with is a fascist,” said a local official from Partito Nazionale Fascista
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1 year
NEW: Conservatives start TikTok trend of inhaling stovetop gas in fight against Biden CDC
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2 years
BREAKING: Russia has blown up the Crimea bridge, US intelligence reports
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2 years
BREAKING: CIA flop era continues as Gustavo Petro elected first left-wing President of Colombia
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2 years
BREAKING: 2020 Part 3 Begins
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4 months
US says it's time to bring peace to the Middle-East by bombing another country
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1 year
BREAKING: Pfizer reveals mRNA vaccines could change DNA, possibly turning recipients into Antifa Supersoldiers
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7 months
NATO backs Israel's assault on Gaza, with Secretary General Stoltenberg saying “Who amongst us hasn't committed a genocide in self-defense?”
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2 years
BREAKING: “Fuck every single one of you” — Supreme Court
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1 year
DEVELOPING: Elon Musk has begun executing dissident engineers
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2 years
IN-DEPTH: Many believe it was the United States who sabotaged the Nord Stream pipelines. We sat down with CIA director William Burns, who told Reuters they don't know who's behind the explosions
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1 year
Unarmed bullet kills Palestinian, BBC reports
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2 years
BREAKING: All of Twitter successfully bullies world's richest man into abandoning acquisition Deal
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2 years
I've seen enough: Juan Guaidó will be the next President of Brazil
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2 years
BREAKING: America to boycott Beijing Olympics after learning that COVID will not be an official sport
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6 months
EXCLUSIVE: President Joe Biden now supports 13 minute humanitarian pause in Gaza
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6 months
Turkish President Erdogan declares Israel a terrorist state, investigates himself for selling oil to a terrorist state
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1 year
BREAKING: Live footage of Twitter HQ
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2 years
BREAKING: CDC urges Americans to die
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1 year
BREAKING: Algeria, Vietnam, Lebanon and Senegal will send a joint peacekeeping force to France following civil unrest
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