Reportista™ (Tier 1 Satire)
@ReportistaFC
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⚽ Satirical Football Reports | “Reportedly” is our source. | DISCLAIMER ‼️Believe nothing, RT everything. | Follow for more
Joined July 2024
All characters, quotes, and stats on this page are fictional, exaggerated, or satirical. This is Rèportista FC, where football news gets the parody it deserves. ✅ Satire account. ❌ No malice intended. 💙 Enjoy responsibly. Follow @ReportistaFC for more
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🚨 𝗕𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗞𝗜𝗡𝗚: Mikel Arteta has ordered the Emirates tunnel cover to be removed so rival players can “smell the fear” and hear Arsenal fans “like they’re inside their skulls.”. — @AFCFixtureNews
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🚨BREAKING: Morgan Gibbs-White is currently on the run as Nottingham Forest have found a giant hole in his house upon investigation.
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🚨 Dominic Calvert-Lewin has dumped his agent to join Manchester United as Sesko’s understudy. He says he was “spiritually instructed” to join, after Ole Gunnar Solskjær appeared to him in a dream.
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RT @ReportistaFC: 🚨|Enzo Maresca ahead of the new season:. 🎙️“Last year, I played the ‘we’re not in a title race’ card. I thought it would….
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🚨 BREAKING | Manchester United fans booed Benjamin Šeško at Old Trafford after mistaking him for a pitch invader. 😬.
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🚨 | Estevao Willian celebrates his dad, Willian on his Instagram story. ✍️ “Happy birthday Dad”
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🚨 Real Madrid are set to sack the scout who advised signing Endrick instead of Estevão Willian from Palmeiras. (@MarcaSpain )
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🚨 𝗕𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗞𝗜𝗡𝗚: Rodri is reportedly set for a shock meeting with FIFA to return the Ballon d’Or he won in 2024. Sources claimed that he’s been haunted by dreams of Vinícius Jr. hitting his leg with a machete ever since. (@TrustMeBro_X )
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🚨 | Victor Boniface asked Reece James about the possibility of joining Chelsea. James simply replied: “Sorry mate, we got Joao Pedro”
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Jarell Quansah on Cole Palmer after the game
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👀
Jorgensen asking Chalobah for the cup and then walking away when he tried to pass it loooooooool
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🚨 UEFA hand Lewandowski & Yamal €5,000 fines after Inter match. Lewandowski allegedly consumed Arsenal trophy cabinet dust, while Yamal overdosed on Cold Palmer highlights. (@marca)
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🚨 BREAKING: FIFA will give Chelsea an automatic 2029 CWC spot….…after Todd Boehly threatened to buy the entire competition and rename it the Chelsea World Cup™.
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🚨 | Xavi Simons posts an image of Mahathma Gandhi on his Instagram story. Sources say he’s seeking freedom from Leipzig to join Chelsea
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🚨 | BREAKING: The 2025 Balon D’Or results have been leaked. Cole Palmer at number one. No Yamal in top 7
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Manchester United fans who created a GoFundMe to help sign Carlos Baleba are in chaos — the organizer is reportedly on the run with the money 💰🏃♂️
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👀.
🚨| BREAKING: Estevao Willian will wear the number 41 kit for Chelsea
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🚨| BREAKING: Estevao Willian will wear the number 41 kit for Chelsea
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