Ray Kump
@RayKump
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Comedian, Host of Kump podcast,
NYC
Joined February 2012
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Pinned Tweet
My dad just blurted out in the middle of dinner, “What’s a gender binary?” So I just grabbed him and pulled him across the table, and started hitting him on the temple with a salt shaker screaming, “You entitled white fuck! Don’t you fucking embarrass me at the Olive Garden!”
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Thanks Elon, but I’d prefer to receive my blue check the old fashioned way: Getting an entry level job at a media company writing blogs about how candy is racist and having 432 followers.
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Can’t wait to see what happens when Jada starts dating Pete Davidson.
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They literally don’t care anymore. They’re a year away from being like “We did 9/11, so what?”
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Pretty cool that nobody gives Chapelle shit for smoking indoors.
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Keep your woke bullshit out of the model train community. We have enough to deal with.
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Every waiter on Kitchen Nightmares is a rat coward who caves immediately. If Gordon Ramsey ever tried that shit with me, telling me that the food is disgusting, I’d launch my face into his plate and start eating it all like a pig with no hands, and then ask him to fuck me.
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If you’re afraid of Nuclear War, your parents definitely pay your rent.
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I’m not a conservative, but it seems insane to bog down our young children with needless discussions about sexuality and gender, when they haven’t even had the chance to be recklessly prescribed Adderall, or be murdered in a mass shooting. Let kids be kids!
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Spotify needs to be held accountable for the dangerous misinformation which they stream on their platform. I literally just found out that Dr. Dre is not dead and locked in Eminem’s basement.
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Just watched a guy on the news say that Ghislaine Maxwell was a MILF, and then the woman next to him was like “Pedophile Schmedophile”, and then they cut to the weather guy who was shooting heroin.
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My 4 year old son just told me he wants to donate his Easter basket to “Those people in the hospital”, lol what the fuck are they gonna do with a chocolate bunny and a Blu-Ray of Frozen 2? He’s so dumb, I hate being a father!
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My son found out that Santa isn’t real when he woke up in the middle of the night one Christmas Eve and saw me trying to steal his computer so I could buy a gun to shoot myself with.
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It would be kind of awesome if Trump never leaves the White House, and he and Biden end up living together and fighting over snacks and pointing guns at each-others dicks every night until one of them dies of natural causes.
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I wonder if Shia LaBeouf ever runs into Machine Gun Kelly while he’s drunk at a bar, and is like “I used to star in movies with your girlfriend!”, and Machine Gun gets really awkward, because Shia is waving a giant knife around and there’s a bleeding girl in the corner.
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Just found out that my ex-wife is dating her parole officer, and he’s apparently teaching my son how to smoke brisket. Huge betrayal.
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If Dana White agrees to give free Gatorade to all his fighters, then I will get into a knife fight with my landlord and post it on YouTube. He has 3 days to respond.
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I gotta be honest, my grandmother’s Twitch stream is total trash. The only game she plays is Dr Mario, and she’s fucking terrible at it. Claims she’s doing it to raise awareness for my niece who was kidnapped, but that was like 6 years ago. She just wants to embarrass the family.
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BILL WATERSON: “It’s called Calvin and Hobbes. It’s the story of a mischievous young boy who’s best friend is an imaginary tiger who joins him on a series of adventures and...”
AMERICA: “PISS!!! Make him piss!!!Make him piss all over my truck!!!”
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If we put the vaccine in bullets, this pandemic would be over in a week.
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I once saw James Gandolfini at a restaurant in Long Island while I was drunk, and I kept saying to him, “Hey Tony! Hey Tony! Are you gonna fucking whack me!” until he took me aside and quietly explained that his friend he was dining with was just diagnosed with cancer. Class act.
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Blaming Joe Biden for Afghanistan is like blaming Jackie Kennedy for not shoving her husband’s brains back into his skull, which by the way, I do.
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My 4 year old daughter just asked me why some people are homeless, so I’m trying to explain it to her, but she’s really confused about the part where Hillary Clinton murdered Seth Rich...I think she might have a learning disability.
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Cool to know that democracy can’t survive a guy who kills elk with a bow talking about a vaccine.
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The cast of Ted Lasso just announced that we’re invading Iraq again.
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I stole elk jerky from Joe Rogan and almost gave him Covid. Not sure if that makes me left or right wing.
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Just ordered a snake on eBay. I hope it’s not a little bitch, I need this thing to kill me.
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At the end of all this, your reward for surviving every single Covid variant will be a Boston Dynamics robot literally fucking you to death.
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Taco Bell just announced that if any of their employee’s need to travel for an an abortion, they can have a free Cheese Quesadilla to take with them. If they want steak, they will need to pay the difference.
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Recall Newsom, bring back Schwarzenegger, have him say “You’re terminated” every time someone dies of Covid, make Cory Feldman Lieutenant Governor.
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“2020 is the WORST year ever!”
-People who don’t live in Iraq, Syria, Pakistan...
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Breaking into Seth Rogen’s car, over and over again, hopelessly trying to get him to feel anything.
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On a day in the not too distant future, President Biden will call a press conference to announce that Ghislaine Maxwell has been nominated to the Supreme Court, and many of you will be shocked, but I won’t be.
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Just saw Jon Hamm walk out of the 7-11 at Delancey and Clinton. He cracked open a Monster energy drink, pounded it in one long gulp, then without making eye contact he gave me a fist bump, and said “I gotta go pay for some abortion.” Salt of the Earth, no notes.
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Just tried water for the first time in 6 years…still hate it. Do people really drink this crap?
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Student Loan forgiveness? Maybe instead of majoring in Socialist Culinary History, you should have gotten a degree that would make you money, like Predator Drone Maintainance, or Cocaine Lobbying Studies.
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I don’t want to paint all gun owners with the same brush, but literally EVERY person I know who owns a gun has, at some point, aimed that gun directly at my face, and told me to stop stealing food from their home.
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My cousin took out $80,000 in student loans in order to get a philosophy degree, which he uses to make videos on YouTube about how Muppet Babies was a nihilistic endorsement of rape culture, which average about 185 views. But according to my mother, “At least he isn’t fat.”
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Last year, my mom stormed away from Thanksgiving dinner and didn’t return until dessert, because I asked “Do you think pilgrims sucked each other off?” while I was saying grace.
I’m thankful that this year, she won’t be able to ruin dinner like that again.
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I’m in Philly for the first time and want to try a cheesesteak. Which Subway should I go to?
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This guy at the grocery store walked up to me, real close, and yelled “Why are you still wearing a mask?” So I said “Because I don’t want to be confused with a repub…” but before I could finish my sentence, I realized he was jerking me off, and that I hadn’t been wearing a mask.
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I once saw Trevor Noah flick a lit cigarette into some kid’s face as he walked by, and when the kid’s dad confronted him, Noah started screaming “I’m in the C.I.A.! If you hit me you’ll go to jail!” and then he jumped into a blacked out Suburban, which immediately sped away.
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If Joe Biden wins tonight, he is going to officially announce the end of The War on Drugs, and then officially announce the start of The War WITH Drugs. You ever bayoneted a baby on Ketamine? You will!
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Alex Trebek was the king of asking contestants something about themselves, and then acting completely disinterested in the response, making a brilliant person feel like an absolute dumbass. RIP
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Accidentally gave my 6 year old son a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and I’m feeling like a terrible father, because I know he prefers White Claw.
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It’s wrong to wish Coronavirus on ANYONE. That includes the volunteer fireman who fucks my ex-wife, and tells my kids that I’m going to die alone. Fuck you Dennis! That’s not something you say to a child. I’m the daddy! You prick! You Volunteer Coward! Give me back my dumb kids!
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My son has died due to complications stemming from No Nut November. Please send money.
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Our country will heal, and come out of these difficult times stronger than ever, by doing what America does best: Mercilessly bombing another country under false pretenses.
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Biden could probably win a lot of votes if he did a 180, abandoned the idea of withdrawal, and committed to the goal of winning the War in Vietnam.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but my deaf neighbor’s smoke detector has been going off for hours.
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1. Ghislaine has a video of Prince Andrew.
2. The FBI releases the video online.
3. 75 Million People watch the video.
4. Those 75 million people are all convicted of downloading child pornography, and imprisoned.
5. The FBI drops all charges against Prince Andrew.
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I don’t think Joe Rogan’s point was that he was would never get Covid, but rather that he was healthy enough that if he did catch it, he would still be able to scissor kick 2 babies in their skulls. But he definitely wouldn’t shoot the babies with a gun, he made that very clear.
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Squid Game is a better Sopranos prequel than Many Saints of Newark.
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Just discovered that Roe isn’t short for Joe Rogan. My mind is blown.
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I’ve only been back in my hometown for an hour, and I’ve already been asked to leave three different stores after accusing them of running pedophile rings. Nice to know that some things never change.
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The LA comedy scene is just 62 rapists who are all competing for the same T-Mobile commercial, and 1 guy who’s trying to legalize incest.
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Joe Biden just announced that he will begin wearing a mask in public. The announcement took 6 hours and he forgot his own name 37 times and then bit a pregnant woman.
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When my kids ask me what happened to The Hard Rock Cafe, I’m going to say to them, “You came to prison to ask me that? We only have 15 minutes, tell daddy who your mommy is dating!”
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No one who runs this country gives a shit about what their mother’s stuffing tastes like. They literally shoot missiles at hospitals.
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My dad just called me a “Hipster” because I told him that Polio had been eradicated.
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Tim Pool is like if a guy who hung around skate parks and offered to buy beer for teenagers also pretended to be a journalist.
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You may think that 2020 is a bad year for your industry, but the C.I.A. has gone from coups and proxy wars to picking the Transportation Secretary.
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Can’t wait for the “Covid’s laced with Fentanyl” phase of the pandemic.
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My ex-wife writes YA novels about a group of magical children who bully a fat walrus with dry skin who’s apparently based on me.
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SNL feels like a sketch that a corporation plays at a shareholder meeting, right before the CEO announces that they’re won their latest wrongful death lawsuit.
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Forcing my son to watch Cobra Kai to shame him for not using karate to stop the active shooter at his high school.
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You went to college.
I spent all my money on Magic The Gathering cards and a porn collection that I lost in a fire.
We are the same.
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My dad told me today that the protests have really moved him, and made him question his entire outlook, and that he is now in favor of abolishing the Police...at which point I ripped his shirt open, and of course, this motherfucker was wearing a wire, so I burned both his thumbs!
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Spending the entirety of my first appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience asking Joe to teach me Karate, and completely forgetting to plug the GoFundMe for my mom’s wheelchair.
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Very cool that Twitter has apparently figured out a strategy that 40 years of Cold War generals on either side never could.
“Just strike first”
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Pretending that Olympic athletes represent America is like wearing a suit to court after you murder your kids at Disney World.
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World War II would never have happened if they’d just gotten Joe Rogan to moderate the Treaty of Versailles.
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If you told me ten years ago that I would be forced to show my vaccine card to a bouncer who has Tuberculosis, in order to gain entry to the TGI Friday’s in Times Square, I would have tried to rob you for drug money.
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So does Osama Bin Laden automatically become president of Afghanistan again? or do they need to have an election?
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Baby Yoda has been fired for refusing to acknowledge the Armenian Genocide.
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Getting really negative vibes from the guy who’s fucking my wife.
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If the Queen doesn’t get remarried I’m gonna fucking kill myself!
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Huffing gasoline is now more expensive than cocaine, at least that’s what the guy who I caught having sex with my wife told me as he was putting his pants on, and using my toothbrush.
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Just saw Bo Burnham on the street, moving huge wads of cash from one duffle bag to another. Then some people passed by and he pretended to eat out of a garbage can, and then went back to stuffing cash in a duffle bag. I asked him for an autograph but he flashed a gun at me.
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I’ve always known, from a very young age, that I would one day die tragically in a boat fire, while drunkenly celebrating after winning a frivolous lawsuit. This realization has brought me peace, and great humility.
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At this moment, there are hundreds of white guys sitting in virtual writers rooms for countless comedy shows, all trying to write the same joke about Trump being in a bunker, just like Hitler, but they just can’t get the wording right. And we won’t begin to heal until they do.
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