Rachel Johnson
@R_D_Johnson
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PhD Student @Baylor_DeptRel ▪️New Testament & Ethics▪️Pauline studies▪️Dynamics of peace & violence▪️Disability & Pain▪️Eshet Chayil
Waco, TX
Joined June 2022
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Eshet Chayil
Known to many as the infamous “Proverbs 31 Woman.”
Translations often render her as “a good wife” – but this is not who Eshet Chayil is.
She is “a woman of valor”
She is strength, power, might. A WARRIOR.
Eshet Chayil is not something you do. It is WHO you are.
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(No offense intended!)
As someone who is deeply invested in Pauline theological interpretation, I had an immediate thought when I saw this photo. Sigh.
The panel on “The Theology of Paul’s Letters” by Douglas Moo is standing room only…
@mbird12
with a riveting response!
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Hi, bible nerds, I've been sitting on something I'd like to be vulnerable about.
I'm hoping this thread is cathartic.
I'm currently on a leave of absence from my phd program, after "successfully" completing my first year. On paper, I'm good. But I'm not okay.
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@CatherineMcNiel
Linda Belleville has a wonder article on this, for those who may want to dig deeper. I've linked to JSTOR below where the abstract can be found to whet your appetite :)
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More swirling around in my head and heart, but this is all I have energy for now.
If you like, pls send prayers my way. I don't know what next steps are. I'm scared. I'm struggling to discover who I am if I'm not achieving something tangible, and prayers for my family also.
TY.
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If you made it this far, thx for hanging in there. Wanted to esp thank those who have been particularly welcoming of me in this digital space.
@carmenjoyimes
,
@albpeeler
,
@MattThiessenNT
,
@jasonstaples
,
@isaacsoon2
. Thanks also to my friend
@AndrewRillera
for your support.
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I have an update.
I worked hard to get here, and so I think I owe it to myself to give this one more try. I (cautiously) registered for the spring semester.
This is very much a test-the-waters scenario.
Hi, bible nerds, I've been sitting on something I'd like to be vulnerable about.
I'm hoping this thread is cathartic.
I'm currently on a leave of absence from my phd program, after "successfully" completing my first year. On paper, I'm good. But I'm not okay.
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Achievement unlocked! Presented an academic paper for the first time!
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But I need a gentle life, and I don't think this path gives me that... as much as I wished it did. I wanted to overcome this, overcome pain and sickness, persevere and come out on top, but I've run myself into the ground and I need to stop.
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I did not expect this post to blow up the way that it has, and I am a little overwhelmed by it but also grateful for the responses I have received, and esp. for those who have shared their stories in response. It all makes me feel less alone.
Hi, bible nerds, I've been sitting on something I'd like to be vulnerable about.
I'm hoping this thread is cathartic.
I'm currently on a leave of absence from my phd program, after "successfully" completing my first year. On paper, I'm good. But I'm not okay.
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This has been the most isolating and devastating year+ of my life. Somehow I ended up in a great, fully funded program--and I'm thinking about walking away.
I know deep down, I cannot continue. It all feels forced and entirely unsustainable. But the death of a dream is painful.
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Through the years, I've collected other chronic pain disorders. All of which are incurable. I'm in pain every day, all the time. I have arthritis, ruptures disc's, spinal cord compression, and now a litany of mental health issues.
How can I perform at this lvl? It's too much.
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I'm still coming to terms with all this. I feel like I am throwing away my shot, my chance to make something of myself, to have purpose and make a difference. I wish I could change the system, the way the structures of this world work. But also, why can't I be enough already?
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I've met some wonderful people, and some incredible grad students who are going to shape and form a whole new generation of thinkers and teachers. Too many to tag, but you know who you are! You are doing good and hard work. I only wish I could continue the journey with you.
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My mind, body, and spirit have been ravaged. The stress has created great pain in my body, triggered panic attacks, ptsd, and drove me into a suicidal depression. I felt trapped, esp. economically (the move financially devestated us), I couldn't see a way out.
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You see, I have a severe migraine disability; chronic and debilitating. I was diagnosed when I was 5. My migraines worsened when I moved to TX, but I kept pushing. I took exams when I could barely see the pages, wore sunglasses indoors, and came to seminars sick.
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I've worked hard my whole life, but grit isn't enough to get me through this. I'm trying to unlearn the toxicity of that mindset. My mind is capable (or was before depression set in), but my body is screaming at me to stop.
I've been ignoring my body my whole life...
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Staying does not seem healthy. I wanted so badly to be a part of this community, to be peers with all of you who have encouraged me and inspired me. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I won't be and grieving feeling shut out from this community.
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Better late than never...my SBL book haul.
This is the result of GREAT self-restraint.
#sblaar22
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Rn im trying to heal. I have drs and help. I acutely feel like I do not belong, and I've spent the past year+ trying so incredibly hard to be a part of this academic world. I loved biblical studies, but I've been utterly miserable here, and I cannot feel that love anymore.
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@MattThiessenNT
I think that we often think that convoluted=superior, and simple=inferior. Both as reader and writer. But just because something is said in a clear, straightforward manner does not make it less intelligent or insightful. We can say profound things simply.
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@LShalott
An event for the exhausted and overestimated. Everything turned "down" (lights, sounds). Designated places for diff restorative foci. Women can choose where to go. All focused on presence/awareness, breath prayers, guided meditation, a dark room to rest. No need to speak or be on
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I got to teach a class of undergrad honors students today.
It. Was. Great.
We went outside with our books and talked about Dante. It was fun and engaging!
I will be riding this high all evening 🥰
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@bethallisonbarr
"Distinctly feminine" is a concept which, in my primarily white, non-denom, evangelical background, has caused so much damage.
I just can't anymore with all this.
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Agreed that "early career" should mean exactly that. I do think it disproportionately excludes women, who often have family-related responsibilities that prevent them from starting their journey early. I'm already too old and I just started my PhD program. This feels antiquated.
Re:
#Lautenschl
äger Age Restriction
Colleagues in theology and religion, I have drafted a letter to send to the organizers of the Lautenschläger Award asking that the age restriction requirement be removed. If you would like to sign it, go here:
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Squeezing in one final read before the winter break ends. I've already laughed aloud and teared up. I'm thrilled to be reading this.
@DanielNayeri
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@NijayKGupta
@BrazosPress
I love
@isaacsoon2
s cover, that he drew himself (on a napkin I believe!). It's fantastic.
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Things have been difficult and dark. But there are bright moments. My body is learning to breathe again, esp in everyday moments. My youngest has been baking with me lately, and it's such a joy. TY
@JohnsonJaredR
for capturing the moment. This is holy ground; a healing moment.
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I did not expect this post to blow up the way that it has, and I am a little overwhelmed by it but also grateful for the responses I have received, and esp. for those who have shared their stories in response. It all makes me feel less alone.
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Achievement unlocked! Today we took the requisite "blue bonnet" photos of our girls.
@JohnsonJaredR
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First date in 6 months! PhD life is tough y'all, but this helps 😍
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I have no words. This scene wrecked me. How many times I have asked the same question, "why haven't you healed me?"
I'm learning to speak more openly about my disabilities.
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I didn't know I was coming home for my grandpa's dying. Grateful to be here.
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Inking is *done* (forcing myself to stop 🤣). And yesterday, I did a color test on regular printer paper.
Pray for me. It's a scary step in art to do something you cannot undo, but I'm working on pushing past that!
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@blind_scholar
Thank you for this, Eric. I appreciate what you are saying. I'll probably re-read this! I'm a first generation student, on both sides, and I rly wanted to make it all the way and be an example to my girls of what's possible. Now, it seems I'm teaching them a diff lesson.
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My office this morning. Lots of bird activity, cardinals, hummingbirds, with a gentle breeze. It's quite lovely.
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I've got a hot date tonight with a TX beer flight. The cute bearded man is a bonus 😘
@JohnsonJaredR
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I didn't register for SBL. I felt it would be too hard, painful, etc. I sorta wish I could just drop by to see everyone, esp. since it's so close to me. Feelin' a bit sad about missing out.
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Flowering the cross. A new ritual from me, but profoundly moving. An instrument of death reworked into an image of new life and new creation.
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@krtalls
@moorloc
@sheilagregoire
@bcastlemiller
F-P robs us of our voice. It's violence. It's time we realize that being peacemakers is not the same as being a doormat.
This is what I hope to do with my research. It's now my passion. It haunts me, grips me, and won't let me go.
Ladies, you deserve far better.
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@NijayKGupta
@lucepeppiatt
Agreed. Thing is, it's exhausting to live in that space. We need more work done, esp by women, but at least for me I didn't want to spend my career justifying my own presence. It's hust not a hospitable environment. And I couldn't take it on anymore. I hope others can.
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Sure miss walking through the forest on our family's property back in Oregon 💚
I spent much of my time in these woods with my grandpa. Sweet memories I got to share with my daughters.
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Today, my youngest baked bread for eucharist tmrw. Thankful for this time together ❤️
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9 years ago, after a traumatic complication and emergency c-scection @ 28wks...I was living in the NICU, and on this day I felt hope and warmth when I discovered this beautiful garden off a diff floor of the children's hospital.
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Instead...
My oldest (9) instantly, and seriously, said, "I'd ask God to make it so you're never sick again." And then youngest (5) year old said, "yeah! Me too!"
And they both crawled into my lap.
And I teared up.
And we talked about resurrection.
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This exp has not been what I wanted. So I want to see if I can exp something better in the spring.
I don't know what will happen. I'm not sure I'm rdy. It may not work, and I've made peace with that.
I have a plan in place and many many boundaries.
It will be what it will be.
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@carmenjoyimes
Yes. I spent nearly two decades working with kids in church contexts. I just have to say, we desperately need a solid children's curriculum. I'd often deviate to offer a more full account, or end up writing my own. I wish there was more children's materials written by academics!
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Approaching my youngest's 5th birthday, and Facebook reminded me that I was allllll belly with her.
This was the furthest into a pregnancy I had ever gotten. She was born a few days after this pic was taken.
P.S. my girls want me to have teal hair again 🤣
@JohnsonJaredR
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Waco celebrated the reopening of the suspension bridge with a "cattle drive" across the river. Probably the most Texas thing so far we've seen ✔️
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@krtalls
@moorloc
@sheilagregoire
@bcastlemiller
That changed everything. Took me out of that place, into a NT PhD program no less. But, it taught me about false-peace. F-P is all about control and order. It silences the voices on the margins. And esp. women in evangelical circles are taught to "keep the peace" this way.
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@KyleJamesHoward
This is awful. I hate that this happens. It's not okay. This sounds like it echoes my own experience. I was fired after I spoke out against the toxicity and damage happening to myself and others. None of it new information. They *knew.* Things like this make me bristle 😤
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Day 17 of this migraine attack. I'm finally checked for an iv infusion (which I have been trying to schedule since day 11). Hoping this breaks the episode and lessens the pain. I've been living with chronic migraines and status migrainosus since I was 5, and it never gets easier.
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This has put words to my experience this past year. The pressure to produce makes me feel windy insufficient. Many days, I'm not sure I can make it. The toll it's exacting on my body is so high. Yet I love biblical studies, and I love teaching. I want to stay.
#AcademicTwitter
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Not too far off from PhD rejections either. I always wondered, if everyone who recieved them actually *did* have a good application packet...that is, if a packet wasn't up to snuff how would someone even know (let alone improve) if all they ever get is this cookie-cutter thing?
People in academia are concerned about ChatGPT, but there's one thing it can help with a lot: Rejection Letters.
I asked ChatGPT to write a rejection letter and look at the draft below.
Rejection letters read exactly like this. I know because I received quite a few 😂
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Also received these incredible, customized journals from
@JohnsonJaredR
for all my disst note/idea needs. They KILL me. And are also 💯 accurate.
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@_the_last_echo_
This was the women's networking event she posted about, right? I'm not familiar with the ETS side of things, but a panel would have been great!
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This morning, I'm taking great comfort in fluffy, homemade sourdough toast
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Yesterday I got to spend time in a room of amazing manuscript facsimiles, including the *stunning* Codex Sinaiticus. It was such a joy and a privilege.
@Baylor_DeptRel
@BaylorLibraries
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Also... don't mind my 5 year old saying "horse butts" and then giggling to herself...
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I have an update.
I worked hard to get here, and so I think I owe it to myself to give this one more try. I (cautiously) registered for the spring semester.
This is very much a test-the-waters scenario.
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We have missed hiking in the gorge! Today we went to Latourell Falls. 2.5 miles hiked today. ❤️
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This exp has not been what I wanted. So I want to see if I can exp something better in the spring.
I don't know what will happen. I'm not sure I'm rdy. It may not work, and I've made peace with that.
I have a plan in place and many many boundaries.
It will be what it will be.
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@KaitlynSchiess
Love it! A colleague and I just had a similar situation in a class outside our area, where we also feel lost, but something just came up and suddenly we were chatting about "over realized eschatology" and "apocalyptic"
It was super fun
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You go girl
For many, today is the Feast of Hildegard of Bingen. A theologian and musician during the 12th century, Hildegard broke through the glass ceiling for women in the church to commit her life to preaching and teaching.
She was smashing the patriarchy before it was cool.
1/2
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@FlatheadMama
@CatherineMcNiel
I know. Im sorry 😫
Can you search your library journal database for specific journals? This was published in the Bulletin for Biblical Research in 2019, volume 29, issue # 3. Maybe the refernece librarian can get it for you. 🤔
The doi is below also
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@JemarTisby
This is me, every moment of grad school, and it's killing me. So I'm trying to do better. I have been setting boundaries, but the anxious feelings that arise in my body are harder to wall off. I'm working on it. Doing some trauma informed yoga to breathe and reconnect to my body
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@krtalls
@moorloc
@sheilagregoire
@bcastlemiller
I stayed for years, as the token female pastor, and it was hard. Honestly thought I could be a force for change on the inside. So did many of the congregants. In the end, leadership (men) kicked me out. Causing profound pain and damage (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual).
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@bcastlemiller
@krtalls
@moorloc
@sheilagregoire
Becky, I would love to chat with you about this some time! I am convinced that stories like ours are more common than ppl may realize. The shadows have kept us quiet and hidden. It's time to illuminate those spaces.
I am sorry this sort of thing was part of your journey too.
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@CatherineMcNiel
I'm glad to help, it's a wonderful piece that I hope continues to get attention. It certainly cannot be ignored in the discussion!
I quite love Greek exegetical work, for exactly reasons like this. There is so much to see and discover.
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Today I saw a Twitter prompt for questions to ask God (silly answers only). I thought it would be cute to ask my kids. I left off the "silly" part bc it's bound to happen naturally, right? 🤷♀️
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The magic of Bible Nerd Convention. So great to see a fellow PDXer.
@timmackie
@bibleproject
#sbaar22
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Recently, I'm getting more and more bothered by (esp. Xn) rhetoric of "hang on" and find "purpose in the pain."
Not sure all pain ought to be endured, and that all pain has a purpose... sometimes it's just painful and we want it to stop.
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This entire thread is so important 👇
Self-advocacy alone is not sufficient, effective, or fair. It's also exhausting, esp. as a grad student. There are not enough hours in a day to work, eat, sleep... let alone challenging systems and shouldering the weight of institutional pwr
I'm tired of disability orgs upholding the idea that every student should learn to advocate for themselves. Self advocacy is only good in TANDEM with systemic change. These orgs are setting students up for failure bc they cannot shoulder this alone. 1/5
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@AndrewRillera
@MattThiessenNT
@nick_elder
We will be reading from this in our Paul seminar this fall. Looking forward to it
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@lindsayfickas
I had a psalty cassette tape I would play in the car as a young child. Good times, psalty.
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Snow falling at Multnomah Falls, in Oregon. This was my "backyard" for most of my life. My heart, my home, I surely miss it! ❄️
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@KSPrior
@CTmagazine
"What happens when we study for ministry in a context that doesn’t always support women in ministry?"
I really wish my seminary had addressed this. It's disorienting to go from a supportive academic environment and feel unsure how to find that IRL church contexts.
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@isaacsoon2
@OUPReligion
@HenningMeghan
Absolutely! I'm in my first year, but already thinking and trying to gather resources and notes as I come across them. Very excited about all this.
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And again. The 5 yr old said, "my dream is for you to never be sick, ever again."
I wish it were so. The fact I'm not "well" for them tears me up.
Their level of compassion and grace is astounding. I am proud of them, and love to dream of them and their ❤️'s out in the world.
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One of my daughters classmates wrote and gifted her a poem today. "Empathy is in you." I'm so proud. It's all I ever wanted for her. She has a huge ❤️.
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