Pundamentalism
@Pundamentalism
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Puns don't kill people. Writer. DM for work enquiries.
Joined December 2010
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Pinned Tweet
I just published Becoming Florida Man: Part 1 — The Language Barrier
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"You know Hitler was from Germany."
"He was from Austria."
"Then how come you never saw him with kangaroos?"
"That's-"
"Or a boomerang?"
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“They were making jokes about our furniture at the weekend, and now their whole cabinet has totally collapsed.”
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Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
An alligator is swimming in a Texas lake with a knife in its head
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If you watch every episode of "The Crown" back-to-back, it takes 28hrs 58minutes, which means if you do it in the queue and take an hour for lunch, you'll arrive at her coffin perfectly on time to be a 'live' final episode.
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Quickly deleted, but can't believe he even messed this up.
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WEBSITE IDEA: "Hot Or Not?" where dads post pictures of thermostats and other dads comment on whether it needs to be turned up or down.
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"I thought you were German, not Dutch?"
"I am."
"So why are they saying you're from Dutchland?"
"It's Deutschland."
"Exactly, not Germany."
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Ok, I'll admit - this one even caught me by surprise.
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Disappointing they went with this headline rather than: "NOW IS THE SUMMER OF THIS-C***'S-TENT"
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I've got a joke about Sean Connery's sister's baby daughter. It's a little niche.
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Why does every ‘no mask selfie’ picture look like they’re staring into their microwave, waiting for a ready-meal to cook.
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You wait 30 hours, then it’s just a coffin. But enough about the Tory vision for the NHS.
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Seems a waste to have such a long line of people and not at least TRY to break the world conga record.
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Mum just said "you treat this place like a hotel". Which she may regret when I give a lower score on Tripadvisor for 'rude staff'.
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
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I haven’t watched for a few years, but it seemed much more wholesome when he just took on the Daleks.
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How does she always manage to look like she’s been illustrated by Quentin Blake.
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Out of respect for John Terry, the Chelsea players will take turns to leave their wives unattended for 26 minutes at the party tonight.
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[courtroom]
"I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair. What happens next will shock you."
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Ha - mildly amusing
Haha - funny
Hahaha - sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha - stayin' alive
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@GaryLineker
Yeah, but if you really care, how many Ranieris are you going to let move into your house, Gary?
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"Mr. Zuckerberg, theoretically speaking, could the data be used to identify people with an abnormal interest in writing coded letters to the police in the late 1960s?"
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Helped a French lady translate ‘Le Monde’ this morning. It meant the world to her.
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@Cc54518746C
Dear Egg, nobody from the countries on the banned list has killed an American on US soil. Your evidence that this will help?
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A Swedish woman, two Swedish men, and another Swedish woman walk into ABBA.
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The US will either have a leader who is a woman or one who hates immigrants. In the UK, we've got both. In your face, America.
#Election2016
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Seeing a Mother Superior drinking a pint is the strangest thing I've seen, bar nun.
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Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?
Ooh, heaven is a
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I'm going to open a shop selling very mature French cheeses, called "Fromages Ago".
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
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Whoops! Quickly deleted, but an unfortunate typo...
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They say UK racism isn't on the rise, but I've just watched thousands of people literally chase a Kenyan through the streets of London.
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Poor Katie Hopkins.
Not sympathy, just an assessment of her finances now.
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Amazon delivery times are insane - ordered a trampoline 10 minutes ago, and it just landed in the back garden.
#StormCiara
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Not like him to make a big song and dance about a phantom.
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BREAKING: A thesaurus belonging to Elton John has been stolen. The singer commented, "It's sad. So sad. It's a sad, sad situation."
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Joey Barton said to be devastated about 18 month ban from football for gambling, as he had £20 on it being 2 years.
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Get your Belinda Carlisle name by taking the first name of one of your mum's friends, and adding a northern town. I'm Angela Ripon.
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Laurence Fox looks like a mouse that a Disney witch has turned into a human.
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*knock*
Who’s...
*knock*
Who’s...
*knock knock*
Who’s there?
*knock knock knock*
Who...
*knock knock knock knock knock*
Fuck off, Fibonacci!
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"I'd like a bowl of soup please."
"Any sides?"
"I hope so, or it'll go EVERYWHERE."
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UPDATED 2020 CALENDAR:
January: Coronavirus
February: Coronavirus
March: Coronavirus
April: Coronavirus
May: Coronavirus
June: Coronavirus
July: Everything is cake
August: Coronavirus
September: Neil Buchanan isn’t Banksy
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BREAKING: Elon Musk labels local firemen ‘nonces’ for putting out orphanage fire with hoses instead of using his ice-laser rocket ship.
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Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
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Presumably loads of teenagers in Africa are opening their "Lynx Europe" gift box, which smells of fear, hate, and disarray.
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FUN FACT: The reason there are no other Chuckle siblings is because their father had a vasectomy, vasectoyou.
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Just bought a house with period features. Though she HATES that as a nickname.
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BREAKING: Britain now the same temperature as Hell, but with a less likeable leader.
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Norwich have scored 6 goals. Soon the fans will have to start counting on their other hand.
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Tabloid editors finding out that there's now an England v. Germany game:
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The Run DMC lyric, “But it’s like that, and that’s the way it is”, is exactly the kind of sentence I used to write when trying to hit a minimum word count in an essay.
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We shouldn't criticise Piers too harshly for typing tweets - at least he's tapping his own phone this time.
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Forget the Nukes, how many Xbox 360 games does Kim Jong Un have?!
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It's a cabinet reshuffle, but in the same way I shake the Quality Street tin on January 4th, hoping there might something good left in there rather than just toffee pennies.
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MERKEL: Hey, *cough* who is *cough* this an *cough* impression *cough* of? *cough*
MACRON: I *cough* have no *cough* idea *cough*
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WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
- Machine Maintenance
- Chocolate Production
- Quality Control
- Singing when kids die
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Been fired from my job at the pasta factory after a fusilli mistakes.
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@LucTros
@Cc54518746C
I see. So a smart tactical move not to include the countries whose citizens have carried out attacks in the US then?
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I've got a joke about Sean Connery's sister's baby daughter. It's a little niche.
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Anne Marie Morris admits she was wrong to use an old-fashioned, outdated term, saying she understands "very few people now have a woodpile."
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Is Boris Johnson perfect? No.
But is he doing the best job he can under the circumstances? Also no.
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I've got a joke about Sean Connery's sister's baby daughter. It's a little niche.
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[ENTER NEW PASSWORD]
Believe
[PASSWORD NOT STRONG ENOUGH]
BelieveByCher
[REALLY DON’T THINK IT’S STRONG ENOUGH, NO]
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Prince Archie has been alive for 3 days and on 2 of those, English teams have pulled off some of the greatest results in our country's European football history. Would it be too bold to suggest we make him king now?
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When Salt Bae dies, the relative scattering the first dirt on his casket has the opportunity to do the funniest thing of all time.
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me: parents out?
bae: no
me: can i come over?
bae: no
me: why?
bae: sir, this is british aerospace engineering. we don't 'have people over'.
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I’m all for sophisticated wordplay, but in the bathroom at the airport earlier today, someone at a urinal let out a long, fairly tuneful fart. Guy next to him said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Louis Armstrong…” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
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*Zebra walks past a tree*
Monkey: Beep!
Zebra: Really? The barcode scanner joke AGAIN?!
Monkey: Never gets old!
Zebra: Fuck you, Phil.
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Congratulations to Vladimir Putin for winning the election by the same score I got when teachers told us to mark our own tests and I didn’t want to make it look too suspicious.
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It's now hard to imagine a world without Piers Morgan and Donald Trump. But it's well worth the effort.
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I'm celebrating May Day by pretending to be strong and stable, whilst in reality having absolutely no idea what I'm doing.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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So sad that it will probably only be posthumously that history will remember Britain's most versatile athlete.
http://t.co/ptmETasw9w
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