I Lost my girl to a covid test. Don’t call or text

I build farms in minecraft to give me every buff but won’t take my vitamins

Pretty sure COVID started with the guy I watched clean his hands in the piss trough at wayhome

Gabby signs off her on the classes she TAs like Philip de Franco ending the news

The $5 foot long was a lie perpetrated by the social elites

Me re-entering the zoom call after getting stoned ready to munch some chips in the mic

Yo why does the Star Wars story sound like someone’s summarizing their dnd campaign

@Probs_Matt I'm eloping with Tom Nook, he's the real sugar daddy

Gabby thought it was cute I got her animal crossing but little does she know she’s paying off my debts to that fucking raccoon

“I don’t want to do a 23 and me because the mormons will have my DNA” Ok @gabbyrxse

Dudes that watch POV porn when they realize they live in the first person

The Ontario lockdown happened because with christmas -> New Years -> my birthday, shit would be too hard to keep families apart and stop the spread of the virus

Is the transport truck from cars considered a marsupial?

My gf just called me cringe. Little does she know I’m sick as fuck

Who’s name do I moan in the gfs ear to freak her out?

Just wait 5 bucks says if you plot those monoliths on a map it spells out “gotcha”

Only 328 days untill Halloween 👻 🎃🧙🏽

Sponge Bob Square Shmeat

Me watching the lights reflect off @PRIST__ head this Christmas

Smh aquaman can keep her 😞

Hands down Milk Chug Matt