Poor me

This thread can be read here:

All we can do is our best under the circumstances. Ignore the rest, and ignore those who feel they know better. Much love -- John

But wherever the needle falls for you as a parent, the simple and difficult task across the board is to be a loving one. And that means not being too strict a judge of your own character, especially in a climate where virtue signaling wins the feed.

If keeping realistic expectations is a method of achieving that, then sure, be an average parent. If you're just trying to keep the cycle from repeating, average is a solid region to aim for.

The parenting approach which seeks to prepare them for every unforeseen event - loss or triumph - will produce a slightly more neurotic and co-dependent child than the rugged, weather-beaten symbol of noble, forgiving strength that we all hope for our children to become.

Kids benefit from learning stuff through their own experience.

So, we've A/Bed it. For and versus being an average parent. And once again, there's no clear answer. So, because it's all I've got, here's what I believe:

Aiming for average may not be an entirely unwise way to raise children. Besides, let's not ignore the hurricane of toxic positivity which suggests that being a good dad is somehow about whitening your teeth and wearing certain brands of T-shirt to the next suburban garden party.

So you might give up one day and drop the ball entirely. Plenty of parents simply check out when it becomes too hard. Maybe James is onto something by consciously choosing to fly below the radar of his family's expectations.

If this is what cabin fever feels like at 6 weeks, with all the benefits of the honeymoon period and paid maternity leave, what is it going to be like when we've got a stranger in the home all day caring for the child and no honorable escape hatch from the inevitable drama?

Then, you start to realize how difficult it's going to be.

Decisions like this used to be a lot more clear, before I grew up and faced the complexities of gambling on a committed relationship (versus the complexities of gambling on any other outcome). Because obviously you don't want to be an average parent. You want to be a great one!

So, at this early point in my journey into fatherhood, there's no way for me to know whether James is offering good advice or a recipe for a parental split.

When James and I were about 11, his parents split up. Suddenly, his dad wasn't around any more when I went around to play cricket in the garden. Be an average parent, he now says.

He laughs. He's taking a bit of time off to visit Cape Town for a while. He's always laughing. I laugh along. People like this guy. His kids love him. Let's call him James.

"The trick to being a good parent," says an old friend, while sitting on the balcony having a beer, "is to be an average parent."

Should you aim to be an average dad? A thread ⬇️

Having a child changes everything. It's a hard reset. Your partner might suddenly (and quite justifiably) feel entitled to become a totally different person. You see a new type of instinctive defensiveness and a potentially vicious protectiveness you've never seen before.

This is, of course, if you're fortunate enough to be in a loving relationship where your partner is an active and present member of the family and has the child's interest at heart.