President Warren G. Harding Against the Machine
@PopeAwesomeXIII
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Following
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Media
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Statuses
118,086
Commercially Inviable. ✌️ 29th US President (1921-1923) 🧐 Tip jar! ❤ He/Him 👍 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏴☠️ ❤️ See pinned for migration info
Joined February 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Insta: (same handle)
Mastodon: (same) @ mstdn .party
BlueSky: (same) .bsky.social
Follow me there so we can bail on the billionaire dipshit.
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If I text you “🇳🇴” it means Nor Fucking Way
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We need a Disney princess who has killed before, and will likely kill again
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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Betty White is trending again and PLEASE STOP THIS, every time her name pops up I get so worried that she's dating Pete Davidson.
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I don’t mean to tell Banksy how to do his job but it would’ve been the funniest thing ever if after the Queen died he just stopped painting for like a year, until everyone was like, “Hang on a minute…”
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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This holiday, I'm specifically requesting to sit at the kids table.
Do I wanna discuss the Middle East with my boomer uncles-in-law, or do I wanna discuss Fortnite with my tiny nephew? No-brainer.
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October 30th.
He will save us.
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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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Hear me out: Beeker of the House
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Imagine finding an alien baby in the middle of your cornfield and naming it Clark.
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Smoking weed while gardening and listening to music, so I've got red eyes, a green thumb, and a bluetooth
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PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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Imagine dragons.
Okay now imagine them kissing. ❤️
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Spelling Bee Announcer: Your word is "scrubs"
Me: Can I get a definition?
TLC: *deep breath*
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Me: So what was it like when the meteor hit?
Dinosaur: At first I was afraid
Forest: I was petrified
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fuck you FUCK YOU
i won't I WON'T
do what DO WHAT
you tell me YOU TELL ME
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Granddad: When I was young, I went to Europe to fight Nazis.
Me: You had to travel for that?
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@Browtweaten
Cop: What does fascism mean
Me: Why don’t you look it up
Cop: *sobbing* I can’t
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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The point of the Indiana Jones movies was that whatever your belief system, whatever your educational level, seeing Nazis burned alive by God is good wholesome family entertainment.
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Reverse cowgirl implies the existence of Skip cowgirl and Draw Two cowgirl
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Are you there, God? It's me, Morbius
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Obviously we want him to keep painting, but this is objectively a good bit.
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You're telling me a plane trained this automobile?
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Glad this happened in 2020 and not 1991 because the last thing anyone needs is Blockbuster late fees on top of this shit show.
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Mathematically speaking, you could be scared half to death an infinite number of times.
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Youth pastor: (turning chair around) you know who else they wasted three days looking for
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*pronounces Joe Rogan like Oregon*
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*day 86 of quarantine*
Starbucks manager: We have a large problem.
Starbucks CEO:
Starbucks manager: *sigh* We have a Venti problem.
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Therapist: This “Tony Hawk.” Is he in the room with us now?
Me: *sobbing* I… I DON’T KNOW
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Food delivery options:
🔵 X gonna give it to ya
🔘 X gonna leave it by your door
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Does anyone else think it's weird that chill comes in pill form but whoop ass only comes in cans?
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If porn is supposed to be fantasy how come none of them are doing it in a racecar bed
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I disagree, I think Elon has been so helpful. Thanks to him, any woman can drop his name on a first date, and if the dude across the table starts singing his praises, she knows immediately to excuse herself, go to the bathroom, and climb out the window.
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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I've been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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Aren't we a few years overdue for a song that contains instructions on how to dance to that specific song?
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@JazzCochina
@MidniteMadwoman
Celebrity: *choking to death, turning blue*
Sean Evans: (not breaking eye contact) This camera, this camera, tell the people what you’ve got going on in your life
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I had a hilarious tweet about how a forklift implies the existence of a spoonlift, but then I realized that's just a catapult
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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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The existence of ghost busters implies the existence of ghost daves
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One horn = Unicorn
Two horns = Bicorn
Three horns = Triceratops
Four horns = JAZZ
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Replaced the holy water with Mountain Dew and now all the babies are Baja Blessed
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“Foghorn” is a beautiful name for a boy
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What's the whitest job you can think of?
I'll go first: Yacht Interior Designer
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If they can build a massage chair, they can build a massage sofa. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY
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saw a political ad warning me of BIG MARIJUANA and now i want to know where i can buy some big marijuana
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Last day as a vampire hunter: I am never doing that again
Last night as a vampire hunter: What’s that knocking
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Interviewer: What's the best thing about turning 99?
Betty White: *hits blunt* One year for every problem
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
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Fear Of Missing Out ("FOMO")
has been replaced with
Fear Of Quarantine Never Over ("FUQNO")
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
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I haven't seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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In the future, everyone will be Prime Minister of England for 15 minutes.
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@ginnyhogan_
"Barbie is anti-male" every Chris Nolan Batman movie averaged about 3 women in speaking roles. Dunkirk had zero.
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*at the Tony Awards*
Tony Stark: I just wish Tony Hawk was here to enjoy this.
Tony Hawk: Yeah me too
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
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The fact that there's gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn't doing his god damn job
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@Browtweaten
*checks zillow* What does this mean 'there's always something happening, usually quite loud?'
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@UNSTABLEPOSTING
Did they miss the part where we laughed at six billionaires dying on the Titanic in 2023
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John Wick except it’s Gonzo and the mob just killed one of his chickens
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me: don't talk to me until I've had coffee
them: u drink coffee?
me: no
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@tough_and_rich
Once towed, see if they'll separate the tires from the rest of the car. Don't tell them where the tires are. They should've thought about that beforehand.
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WHO'S THE WORST PRESIDENT NOW, BITCHES
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UberEats implies the existence of UberPrays, and even UberLoves.
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Reporter: What is this administration's plan for Tony Hawk?
Joe Biden: He's not really part of our agenda.
Reporter, who is also Tony Hawk: Aw.
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What is Joe Biden's plan for getting my hoodie back from my ex?
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Long Island Ice Tea implies the existence of Long Island Mariska Hargitay.
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The person who named the wah-wah pedal should name more stuff
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Me: Alexa, how many years since Shakespeare died, and where is his body?
Alexa: 404 Not found
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A sitcom starring Samuel L Jackson entitled, "How I Met Your Motherfucker."
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The existence of a Majority Whip implies the existence of a Majority Nae Nae
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Please, my chainsaws. They’ve been massacred.
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Trump fans today: This is just awful! *gets free health care* I hate this so much! *collects unemployment* What is wrong with people! *takes vacation overseas* I truly weep for this country! *buys a house*
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@Browtweaten
Dude paid $44B for an app worth maybe $20B and is mad about having to pay $5,000 a month or whatever.
How has he not been declared a health risk yet.
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Quick, all the girls are at home listening to Taylor Swift. Gentlemen arise and take back your hoodies
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If I text you "🇫🇮" it means i'm finna land
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Why give SpaceX billions when NASA can just slap a Taco Bell logo on the side of the rocket and say 3 2 1 Baja Blast Off, that’s a trillion dollars easy
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Me: See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It's... uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly...
Me: Don't touch the thermos tat.
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
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*first day as a coroner*
Me: They died of natural causes.
Them: He fell off a skyscraper!
Me: Gravity is pretty fuckin' natural, pal
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@jowanabueser
@StorySlug
Michelle Yeoh once jumped a motorcycle onto a moving train, you will treat her with PROPER respect 🫡
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Semi-colon is short for Semisweet Colonoscopy
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Me: I'm terrified of Canadians
Therapist: I'm sorry?
Me: *screaming*
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Is this anything
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Biblically accurate Grimace
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When little old ladies get into a fight that's Myrtle Kombat.
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Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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Jurassic Georgia
Park
🤝
Re-opened too soon
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Okay YouTube, if I'm gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I'll wait.
But if I'm going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting "PIZZA HUT!"
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