I can be sweet or I can be sour. The choice is yours.

The part in Moby Dick where the ship owners are like, "Yeah, Captain Ahab was named after an evil king from the bible. It's kind of a sensitive subject so don't bring it up." That's how I feel about being named after the protagonist from Home Alone.

Wool socks. It's not even that cold yet but I'm still wearing them.

Andrea Dworkin's Israel For Women: an idea whose time has come

The Towns of Karl-Anthony is an 18th century verse romance about a prosperous burgher who is destroyed in his pursuit of a beautiful fraulein.

You have to invite me into your home before I can enter because I'm nervous and insecure.

The Sun is farting and shitting on us.

Imagine an NBA superstar named Thadeus Grove or Adrian Mountebank.

I'm trying not to find out what the elites do want me to know.

👋

Primitive man made a substance called goop out of pine resin and wood shavings which he used to slather and incinerate his enemies.

*Doctor examines with a magnifying glass the twisted expression and jutting limbs of an ashen corpse* Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It looks like another case of that mysterious illness that's been going around.

I don't worship the Sun, but he's definitely one of my guys. I respect his work.

Restore HP in my Wisconsin RPG by simply stepping over a korbel bottle.

I finally changed the clock back in my car this morning. I got the alarm clock and oven yesterday. I can rest easier with this feeling of accomplishment.

I'm sorry for calling your bedfellow strange. They're eccentric, even alluring.

I'm calling on all the heroes of Canada in her time of need: Celine Dion, William Lyon Mackenzie, Jim Carrey, The Rest. 🇨🇦🍁🥌🦫🐻🇨🇦

How it feels to stand on guard for Canada

"If I was Italian I would have a cool name like Ludovico" - A certified Giuseppe

The wages of sin have been death for thousands of years. Meanwhile cost of living is through the roof.

[seeing the mayor’s new LED sash that has built in speakers] I’m worried about corruption in our town