CORINNE FISHER
@PhilanthropyGal
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comedian. author. director. pundit. 🖤 LISTEN 2 MY PODCASTS @guyswefcked & #withoutacountry
New York, NY
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
🐯EYE OF THE TIGER TOUR 2024🐯
Tickets for all cities on sale now!!!
➡️
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The fact that we’re all listening to the same album at the same time is the closest we’ll ever get to a coven.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Women’s number one enemy is a man in a feminist t-shirt.
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Happy 4/20 to all my friends who are literally high every day no matter what.
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Odell Beckham Jr. speaking to the other ppl on the plane in a manner most of us only dream about 😂😂😴😴
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Changed my mind on having children. I’m going to adopt a bunch of 17-year-old girls and start training my own personal militia. I think realistically we all saw this for me anyway.
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Every guy I’ve told about my TV show has verbally cast himself in a major role. Every woman I’ve told has said, “Congratulations!”
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I’m excited to date Pete Davidson in 30 years when he hits rock bottom. I play the long game.
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I just need to become famous enough to be on that show where the guy makes you eat spicy chicken wings.
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@DailyLoud
Just came over to here to check that the comments would be exactly as fucking foul as I knew they would be. Keep up the predictable work, gentlemen🥱
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Abortion needs to be legal for everyone bc abortion needs to be legal for everyone and get the fuck out of here to anyone who makes you share a traumatic anecdote to change their mind. It’s not their decision, it’s yours.
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IDEA: Flights for people who fly all the time and flights for people who fly once a year for vacation. I truly hope you enjoy your trip to Disney World, but I cannot travel with you weekly.
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Guy next to me at the gym just put the following items on the ledge of his treadmill: a quart of milk, 2 York Peppermint Pattie wrappers, an open book of sheet music, and a conductor’s baton. I literally cannot wait.
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I always thought being hot was a disability and now I have proof.
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If you haven’t told a man to shut up today you’re not fighting hard enough for abortion rights.
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I’m gonna say this once and once only: if you go to see The Batman and you are asked “Do you want the Batman collector cup combo?” SAY. YES. Otherwise you will be sitting here with your dumb paper cup as your boyfriend has the time of his fucking life with his awesome new cup.
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Always the people who are least likely to fuck that are most anti-abortion🧐
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someone just tried to roofie my Diet Coke while I was on stage. a bitch literally cannot live. stay vigilant, my babes. and shoutout to the male comic who told me not to drink my drink. appreciate you.
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Bday woman turning in for the night. Thanks for showering me with love and attention. You can go back to calling me a fat c*nt now. I honestly like that better😂Until next year, my friends🥳🥳🥳🥳
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Having children we are not ready for or don’t want in the first place keeps women behind and that’s what they want. Simple as that.
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I didn’t want it to cum 2 this but I guess I’m gonna have to fuck a lot of Republican politicians raw this Summer. Scare tactics work both ways.
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The amount of energy women put into heterosexual relationships:
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More people publicly demonizing Amber Heard than Harvey Weinstein. If I didn’t wanna cry I would laugh.
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I look so good people are accusing me of lying about getting plastic surgery on Instagram LOOOOOOOOOL bitch I don’t have Call Her Daddy money this is Nivea and not having a kid
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You gals know we need to go absolutely apeshit if SCOTUS overturns Roe, right? Get comfortable showering in front of strangers cause it’s about to be Arrested Girl Summer 🧼 🌞
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it bothers me so much that women wear engagement rings and men don’t it will never not bother me.
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Hotels today are all like check in at 7pm check out by 4am. We loved having you as our guest💞💞💞💞
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Today’s a good day to text all the guys you’ve fucked and ask them what they’re doing about the war on women’s fundamental rights.
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The most useless man in society is the “your father must be proud” reply guy.
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Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead is one of the greatest films of all time fight me
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I love this new narrative that period products are causing pollution. Yes it’s the scraps of cotton we shove in our vaginas to sop up unused baby houses and not the 57 Amazon boxes every American orders each week.
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The literal fucking audacity of the dude who just texted me asking what I was doing tonight.
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@PopBase
this is a couple people near the camera chanting it for attention (which you’re giving them) and you’re making it way worse for Hailey by posting it with this idiotic headline. Chill.
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My 24-year-old boyfriend just informed me he chose the restaurant we’re going to bc he once saw Jaden Smith there on Instagram.
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Gave up my seat on the subway for a lady who just had an abortion.
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Shayne from Love Is Blind 2 looks like PC Principal😂
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If you don’t stack your bin at the airport after grabbing your stuff from security you are the problem in every area of your life.
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If men supported their long-term female partners the way women support a dude they’ve been dating for a month we would have gender equality already.
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Guys I’m literally begging you please stop suggesting alternate punchlines to comedians after the show. Your idea is fucking awful. I promise you.
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I literally become unattracted to ppl when they tell me they don’t vote bc it doesn’t matter.
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Please stop naming your children after where they were conceived it’s so weird.
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If transphobia is stopping you from drinking a beer you probably should be sober anyway.
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Love Is Blind would be a way more interesting show if most of the people were ugly.
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I’ve literally never met anyone who’s used a dental dam.
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The main thing Kanye needs to remember is…that’s not his wife anymore.
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UPDATE: I replied that I was going to a protest like any reasonable person would be doing tonight and sent him a poster with the info. He’s coming & he shared the info on his IG. A fairy tale ending!
The literal fucking audacity of the dude who just texted me asking what I was doing tonight.
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Few people worse than those who refer to pizza as ‘za’.
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@fiImgal
I can! Nothing beats a funny boyfriend. Sadly, as a professionally funny woman I can say a lot of things beat a funny girlfriend in the eyes of heterosexual men😂😂😂😂
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I don’t think you should get fired from your job for cheating but then again I’ve never been cheated on by anyone who had a job so who the fuck am I?
(ANSWER: A woman who got cheated on by a guy with no job.)
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my most embarrassing secret is how long it took me to realize childish gambino is just donald glover when he sings.
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I feel like I was born in the wrong time period bc I have no interest in fucking a man in the ass using a plastic dick strapped over my puss.
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There’s only 2 things that can get me to clean my apartment: a dude coming over to fuck or 90s dance music.
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First person at first meet and greet was there to tell me I offended them😂 Off to a great start, Colorado🙆🏻♀️
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The replies to Kim Kardashian’s tweets are repulsive. The world thinks there’s some sort of protocol for how a divorced mom should act…there’s not. Moms can be sexual & enjoy their fucking lives. Maybe if your parents spent more time doing that they wouldn’t have raised idiots.
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Imagine having to post a selfie of yourself actively bleeding to make a point. And people still won’t listen.
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I accidentally spent 15 minutes learning about Shake from Love Is Blind and on my deathbed I will list that as my one regret.
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Do what you love and you’ll work way harder than you would’ve if you just kept that desk job it really wasn’t as bad as you made it seem in your head you’re so effing dramatic, Corinne.
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@KeshaRose
When I got dumped in a Panera Bread in 2012,
@KrystynaHutch
& I launched
@GuysWeFcked
podcast. Since the beginning, you have been my number one dream guest. Perhaps now is the perfect time…And more importantly…I’m sorry I know it sucks 😢
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Just know once you cum in me I know where you are forever. You dropped a pin, bitch.
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The hottest guy I’ve ever seen in a Dunkin in my entire life just went out of his way to speak to me. I’m wearing what I slept in (which includes hospital socks). I am unstoppable.
Either that or he thought I was suicidal and was trying to reach out.
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Listening to women in the wild verbally eviscerate Amber Heard is part of why the cycle of abuse will continue. I hear it everywhere I go irl & online. I just walked into my gym and the women at the desk were all huddled up shitting on her. Why can’t we help ourselves?
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: 3 separate men have gifted me taxidermy bats.
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Just re-listened to “The Break-Up Episode” for the first time in years and wow any time I feel sad I will just remind myself I’m a goddamn living legend bc wow
@krystynahutch
and I were ahead of our time.
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All the men being tight-lipped about abortion rights now are gonna have a long Summer of no lips. Neither set.
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UM GUYS LEWIS CAPALDI’S GF JUST WATCHED ALL OF MY STORIES I THINK I AM IN TROUBLE FOR BEING A BAD GIRL🙃🙃🙃🙃
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My favorite thing about jlo’s Instagram is there’s literally no sign of Ben Affleck. It’s all her. Sprinkling of kids. And then back to her. Her secret weapon is her. Yes.
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Men are always jealous of how much more affectionate I am towards my dog than them and it’s like my dog catches scary apartment bugs and physically attacks cat-callers. Show me that same loyalty and I’ll gladly whisper in your ear that you’re my good boy.
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So many sports games on today it’s like we get it Jesus was a boy.
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Already had a man text me “my blood is yours” so 2023 off to an incredible start.
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No bigger 🚩 than someone who is friends with all their exes. I’d feel safer dating a convicted serial killer.
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My pussy’s def not doing dry January I’ll tell you that.
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Today’s the day the ladies decide if we will be having June 24 hearings next year🙃🙃🙃🙃
I vote yes😇
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All the hottest guys I see are like 5’7 and 5’8 I think you all have made a grave mistake.
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Ok don’t kill me but I wanna see the movie about Channing Tatum dating the dog.
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my favorite thing about abortion is it has nothing do with elon musk.
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No higher career high than getting an email offering you 15% off tickets to your own comedy show.
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A mass shooting on the 4th of July. Happy Birthday, America!
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To everyone whose boyfriend convinced them celebrating Valentine’s Day tonight is more special bc it’s a Saturday night please know you’re being scammed.
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if you think you have a special unique connection with someone just know you don’t🖤
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Stripper just recognized me at the strip club from
@GuysWeFcked
and literally have never felt more cool in my entire life.
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Honestly surprised we haven’t dated.
BREAKING NEWS: Hunter Biden Exposed Recording Himself Driving 175 MPH While Smoking Crack
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Just told the audience to “go get Woody Allen if you’re so concerned” when they gasped at a joke and then closed by telling them to maybe not be such “pussy ass bitches”. And that was me having a good set.
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There’s a woman who I met while I was rolling on molly at Lollapalooza and of course I asked her about her dreams within the first 5 mins of meeting her bc drugs and I promised her I would play her music on GWF and I did and we still watch each other's IG stories, a love story.
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Constantly disgusted by the sacrifices of self women make to be partnered.
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Working on a Sci-Fi script where a woman rightfully wins a defamation case and everyone is happy for her.
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It’s almost like Will Smith shouldn’t have hosted a show about standup comedy.
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Big day for all the same people who like to blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles.
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